Sitting on the outside,
Watching, Waiting.
Search your backpack, no homework to be done at lunch.
Sitting and watching on the outside of the group.
No one makes the effort, no one is trying to save me.
It makes me remember.
Oh, how easy it is to just...slip..away.
I remember those days.
The days I would look everyone in the eyes one last time and think,
"Your never going to see me again. I won't be coming back."
Scary.
Ready to die,
Terrified to do it.
I think to myself, "I can't let that happen again."
I didn't have a lunch today.
Again.
Nothing in the house to make a decent lunch.
But I guess a microwavable cup of soup is betting than the agitated feeling I get when hungry.
When you don't have food,
It tends to be all you think about.
So I sit on the outside.
And beg for food.
There is a science to begging.
I would know.
Flip your bangs to the front, not in an attractive looking way either.
The I-just-ran-a-mile kind of look.
Drop your chin,
Make your best puppy face. Don't smile. Just stare them straight in the eyes.
Bingo.
Half a sandwich.
I don't need to work on this.
As I look back at today, I just did it. Like an autopilot survival mode.
I say thank you of course.
I'm happy with anything that takes away my needy feeling.
Only rely on others if absolutely necessary.
I am off to find a friend, I need her homework.
I pick up her lunch bag, and take a quick once over.
Empty wrappers make my heart sink.
I'm sure everyone has felt that feeling at least once.
When all you are craving is waffles, but then you get home,
And the box is empty.
Devastating.
I see that she has fruit snacks, and she tells me "Take 2."
I rip open the bag; I take 4.
She lets me get away with it.
"You took more than two didn't you?"
I give her a weak smile, she nods.
She understands.
I go back to the classroom I spent most of my lunch in,
Sitting quietly, doing my Spanish.
(I managed to score a chocolate milk on the way back.)
When it is finished I look up. No one has acknowledged my presence.
I take out a book and read.
In the book, the girl made a mistake.
She needs to take a chance.
I stop and think to myself, "Take a chance."
I pull out my phone and send a quick text.
What have I got to lose?
I leave the book on the table, a nice crease in the page to mark my spot.
Maybe this could be the start of something.
I walk into the classroom next door,
I panic. I hate uncertainty.
The room is a bit too cool for my liking.
Like an igloo.
Hey Jude is being played on someones guitar.
It doesn't sound half bad.
I walk out.
It may have been less than two minutes I sat on the counter returning to my reading.
But then I hear a whisper.
"Don't slip away."
I do not know if that girl took the risk,
Got the boy,
Or fell in love with him.
I'm thinking they lived happily ever after.
But you never know.
What I think matters is that,
I took the chance.
I went back.
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