Carrots and Sticks

It doesn't hurt anymore.
I used to think you'd changed.
But that's not true.

My perfect lover turned into the perfect fool.

Everyday with you was perfect.
Everyday with you was terrifying. 
I couldn't be sure whether I would be loved or hurt.

Carrots and sticks.

I was the mare,
And you were the whip.
Everyday my will was being broken.

But, I loved you more than I loved anything.

I was addicted.
You were new.
The doors you opened up for me...

Thank you. But, now I can't say I love you too...

You broke my heart.
You never appreciated me.
You made me feel so low.

There's so many things that I want you to know.

It doesn't hurt anymore.
You've surely not changed.
So... Why am I writing this?

I'm trying to save your next slave.

I Love You More Than Rain

The room lays dim.
But it isn't dark.
It is filled with love and forgotten fears.

The walls are cold,
And so are my feet.
I twist my body wildly around in the sheets.

I turn on my side.
I can feel rain coming in my bones.
Two strong and pale white arms wrap themselves under and around me.

The bed smells of sweat and perfume.
But I feel no shame.
That was awhile ago; I am clearing my name.

A movie plays.
It is a very depressing movie.
I drift off into a light sleep.

I can feel him around me.
He's already in my heart.
Brushing the hair out of my face; on my forehead he kisses me.

I slide my arms loosely around his neck.
He tips his head back and shuts his eyes.
My lips rest near the nape of his neck; we breathe quietly suspended in time.

I stretch out.
He has little bed room to work with.
I can feel his fingers tracing my lower back; it tickles.

I come back into consciousness long enough to know he's not there.
Little bursts of panic plague my chest.
I reach out until I have found his hand; a calm comes over me again.

My whole hand wraps around his pinky.
My other hand grabs for the collar on his shirt.
I drift off to sleep once more; feeling safe.

I feel him get up.
I don't know how much time has passed while he let me rest.
He fixes my shirt so that it covers my shoulders, tummy, and chest.

It could have been the movie..
It could just be my wishful thinking; my dreams hitting their strife.
But I swear I heard someone whisper,

"You are the love of my life."








 

Help Me Make Anything But Sense

I can't see anymore.
Disguises don't exist.  
I'm somewhere in Neverland.

The truth is,
I can't seem to find it.
Can you tell me what everything is about?

I'm thinking about
Everything.
And nothing.

I'm anonymous.
I'm anonymous.
So shut the Hell up voices.

I am a fighter,
Losing a fight I can't see.
There are invisible people in my corner; they are cheering for me.  

The memories keep pouring back it seems,
The older I get.
I wake up to those days flowing back one by one.

I am the black hatter.
Just call me love.
Love is always the answer.

Best friends forever but,
Will you chance it?
He calls me beautiful.

I'm not even a good dancer.
But I dance till my feet bleed.
Happiness is frightening.
 
I would say your name,
But you'll never see
It.

Come back.
And let me be.
Let me be your friend again.

There are too many sides of me.
It's night time in my mind,
I need help just as much as you..

I'm writing letters that will never reach heaven.
Pain my nails red.
Now I am broken.

I had a dream,
And it never felt more
Real.

My wrist wouldn't stop bleeding.
I could feel the pain.
And it hurt so bad but I wouldn't cry out in shame.

I didn't seek help.
I knew no one would listen.
It should have been scary; I wasn't frightened.

Sense
But
Anything.

Make
Me
Help. 

Little Things

If you had given me the chance,
I could have loved you forever.

Toast with me to fairytale endings.

The perfect life.
The perfect something.
The perfect someone.

Don't you dream if it too?

Look into my eyes.
Love me.
I want to feel it in my soul.

Promise me that you will never let me go.

I want you to understand every little part of me.

Sometimes

Sometimes when I am alone,
I sit.
And
Think.

I think about all the people I used to know.

I ask myself.
"Do they miss me?"
 And I come to the conclusion of..
 "No.
No. They don't."

We would sit in the silence,
Just us three.

I always wanted something.
A place to belong.
Someone  who would understand,
Even when I was wrong.

Softer

Hold my hand,
And run with my.
Until the time,
When love won't hurt so bad.

It won't break my heart anymore.

Kiss me soft.
Like a flower beginning to bloom.
Teach me to be who I am.

After all, I am in my most impressionable hour of life.

It's not enough just to listen anymore.

I want to sing and dance.
I want to be heard.

Please don't say a word.


I'm softer,
The world has taken a different view.
I'm softer.

Softer than I once was.

Until We Have Faces

You are sure as Hell,
But I'm waiting on Heaven.

You're world is falling apart,
But to me it seems as if everything is together.

Dreams are like journals,
They never really tell you what you want to know.
Or they reveal things you don't want to believe,
When you dream, do they ever remind you about me?

You never wanted to dance with me,
But you ran up to her.
Maybe I'm mixing up my past and my present.
But the only difference is the faces have changed; our time together evanescent.

Your body looks so frail and thin.
The impression you made on my heart is fading away.
That's it. Game over. I win.

Your soul is still too young to dream.

I know it's late.
But, will you count me in?
Put a face on my heart.
Whose face do you see?

Pain ripples through my heart,
Like a never ending parade of thunder.
It's all so sad..

All of my tears are trying to take me under.

I Will Feel So Bad To Go

There's a girl somewhere deep inside me.
My life is just one big tragic rerun.
Hurry, don't help.
All of my insecurities are crashing on in. 

What's left to say...
What little is left for you not to do...
All of my suicidal tendencies are poking on through.

Fix me.
Save me.
Don't let me push you away...
But when you push harder, that really doesn't make me want to stay.

I can't do this.
Let's be honest.
I deliver kisses to the kings.

It's a feeling I have..
And I can't really explain why it is there.

But it's pushing me.
Hoping to break me.
What happens now?

You make me mad.
Sad.
I just can't put back all the pieces.

Don't feel bad for me.
I want to go.

12 October, 2012

Today was a good day.
I got home.
Nobody fought,
And there was no sign of anyone's depression.

Today I got invited to a party.
I painted a beautiful picture.
Nobody complained,
And it started to rain.

Today I modeled.
I came home to cupcakes.
Nobody denied my request to order ham pizza for dinner,
And I found a great pair of jeans at the thrift store. 

Today was a good day.
I was happy.

In Remembrance of Me

You better hurry and find me,
You're time is running out soon,
All of these words are suffocating me inside of my room.

Don't get married in white,
You are not all that pure.
I'm turning my back on you; you I no longer adore.

My happiness is fleeting,
I really want to go.
I can't look out to my future without seeing a shadow waiting on my front door.

Don't feel bad for me.
I live in the state of depression,
In a depression,
Where everyone is praying for an end to this recession. 

Give me a chance.
Let me show you my world.
Help me to blossom, like a flower petal beginning to uncurl.

All of these emotions are pouring out of me.
It tears be apart inside because none of you can see.
This is just the saddest part of life:
When nobody remembers that you are alive.

Don't Twist My Thoughts

I miss the days when she didn't wear so much makeup.
I miss the way her face was without drugs, alcohol, and so many boys chasing her.
And all I can see now is an old soul, who would rather not deal with me.

I remember when you would cry.
You didn't believe me.
I always told you that you were beautiful.
Did it take the world's approval for you to finally understand?

A shiver goes down my back; like a sinner newly saved.

My world turns,
Blanketed in darkness.
I wonder what my life was like,
Before I saw the sun.

Here I kneel,
I'm tired and weak,
Though my heart may fail.
My prayers I lay,
Before the Son.

Small in stature,
Feel my might.
My eyes burn with questions,
As bright as the sun.

There's got to be a world;
A world better than this.
My life would be so much better if I had never gone on that date I was debating to miss.

I would like to believe that I am beautiful.
I would like to think that I am not fat,
Or that I am worth it to you to keep our friendship persisting.

I would like to think that I am still the same person even though all my thoughts are twisting.

I promised you.

I'd always be there.

But I think you've forgotten me.

So,

Is it OK if I slip away?

I am that girl.

Would you expect it from me?

I'm, "Nice."

I'm, Sweet."

If you had to pick whose would be empty the next day...

Would it be my seat?

Sentimental Silence

When I ask if you want to play a game the first thing you ask is,

"What are the rules?"

And that makes me sad.

Because no one has ever stopped to ask me that before.

I am undecided on so many things.

How I feel about you.

What you must feel about me.

And every broken and twisted thing in between.

I'm like a radio caught in a tug-of-war of two stations.

I start on a pop station,

But slowly static takes over until country music blares for a few seconds.

It's a cycle that I don't care to break.

I just lay beneath my sheets, 

Lost in my thoughts.

Trying to find something poetic in nothingness;
Debating whether or not I should slam the radio into silence,
Or blast the madness into my ears.

You don't care about anything lately.
So why should that matter?
You don't notice a thing.
The way I look,
The way I act,

The way I am reaching out for a friend; no answers today.

Follow Me Through My Heart

When I was three,
Doctors told my parents that I would be severely handicap in my legs.
They said I wouldn't be able to run.
And I was in love with my cat named, "Gato."

When I was seven,
My best friend's name was Michaela.
I had a crush on a boy named Slade.
And his was the only Valentine I signed with a heart.

When I was ten,
I didn't like peas.
I believed in a Prince Charming,
I loved the darkness,
And I dreamed of going out on a date with Joe Jonas.

When I was twelve,
I started junior high.
I had my first boyfriend.
And I liked to hold his hand.

When I was thirteen,
I met a boy.
He wasn't a very good kisser.
But, I kissed him anyways. 

When I was fourteen,
I got rejected by one boy,
So I hunted for another.
And he was sweet so we dated for a year and four months.

When I was fifteen,
This boy broke my heart.
My best friend moved away,
And my other best friend started dating him.

I am still fifteen.
The boy who was a bad kisser found me again.
He's actually a pretty good kisser now..
So, I'm giving love another chance.

Just Listen

Today I made a mixed tape.
And I called it, "Just Listen."
Because I hate when people judge my music.
I just want them to listen.

I want them to enjoy.
I want them to feel how I feel,
And I want them to try and understand me.
And why I feel the way that these songs make them feel.

Last night I was scared.
And I was mad.
Because everyone was judging a girl named Amanda Todd.

She commit suicide.
And people were being unkind.
I like to keep my mouth shut about these things.
But, I wonder what you'd say if that girl was me.

Would you spin the story to make yourself look good?
Would you look like the victim?
You guys are the people who most likely would be my killers.
But that's OK, right?

My life obviously wasn't worth it to you.

There is this girl.
Her name is Destiny.
And I love her.
I do..

And there is this boy.
His name is Roman.
And I made him this mixed tape.
Because he is my best friend.

And he is probably why I started writing this.

There is this person
The name will not be said.
And you can only imagine what needs to be said between us.
And I hope you get the courage to say all the things you have ever wanted to say to me.

All you really need is thirty seconds.

I'm talking about you.

The bad thoughts left.
But, I didn't really understand why they came back in the first place.
But they did.
And these two were there.

I hated her.
Because she wouldn't believe that I was going to get help.
And maybe things were going to be alright.

I put her on loudspeaker.
And I let her listen to me talk to my mom.

My mum told  me that she loved me.
And she said that everything would be OK.

I felt better.
And I went to bed at around one o'clock in the morning happy.

I woke up.
And it was really beautiful out.
My dad came in.

He told me that he loved me.
And that whenever I was feeling sad,
I should think about the women in my family. 

Earlier this week,
My youth group told me to think about who the smartest person I knew was.
And now I realize,
My dad is a pretty smart cookie.

He brought in food when he came to talk to me.
And while he talked.
I wanted to cry.
Because I knew that I had disappointed him.

But I also knew things were going to get better.

I went to church today.
And I almost started crying.
And while everyone sang,
I kept thinking about how sorry I was.

I told God I was sorry.
And I know God forgave me.
But I kept thinking it.

And I then I started whispering
And I knew God forgave me.
But I kept whispering.

I closed my eyes.
And I held back tears.
And I talked to God.
And I told Him that I was sorry.

And the girl next to me said, "What?"
Like I had been talking to her.
But I shook my head no.

I know He heard me.
And I know it didn't matter how loudly I had said it.
Because everything felt right.

I left church,
And walked to Goodwill.
I listened to music on a borrowed iPod.
And I talked to God.
And I told Him about my day.
And I told Him that I loved Him.

I saw a fish bowl.
And I wanted to buy a fish.
Later that day, I bought two.
I named them Charlie and Sam.

When I got home,
I decided to make lasagna.
And danced around the house to Cheap Trick.

I reminisced about my day.
And I wrote a Facebook status.

My church served us pumpkin pie today.
I sat there watching everyone after service and imagined that we were all one big happy family on Thanksgiving. 
And we were all thankful for Jesus saving us. 
Yeah, that's a nice thought..

Then I went off to play tennis in the dark.
And I was mad.
Because I was content with making sure my lasagna was going to be yummy.
And I wanted to write this.

I pulled my shirt over my head,
Neo was telling me that he would love me.
Until I learned to love myself. 

And I was hoping that I would remember this thought: 

"You're going to have to love me forever then. 
And if I don't like myself, I must not be a very happy person. 
And if I am not very happy, Neo. 
I hope that I find the strength to let you go.
 And be happy.
 Because I sound like a very depressing person to be with."

I came home a few minutes ago.
My lasagna was burned.
And I'm not all that proud of it.
And I wanted to cry.
...Over my lasagna.
But I think that is OK.

And I think someone would understand if they saw me crying.
Because at least I am not bottling it all up inside of me.
Because that would make my heart hurt real bad. 
And I don't want that.

I am about to paint my nails.
I got the polish for 93 cents.
The color is Pink Promenade Creme.
And even though I do not know what, "Promenade" is..
I think it must be beautiful.
Because I think that this color is beautiful.

I want to cry again.
But it's a happy cry.
Because this song makes me really happy.
And I think my lasagna tastes wonderful.
And  I love thinking about the people that I love.

I'd like to think whoever is reading this loves me.
But, I can never be sure.
That's OK.

Because in this moment,
I feel infinite.

sHE BeLIEveD.

The walls are cold.
I am being pressed close.
My heart is strung out;
Freshly wounded.

There is a pang in my heart.
Could it be regret?

My body begs.
Fix me.

Look back at all the mistakes.
I'm ready to make some more.
Let go.

And I fall to the floor.

I see lights,
I feel a slight pain.
I look at my cuts and scoff with such distane. 

I shiver at your touch like a sinner freshly saved.
He is ok,
Because she lied.
I was supposed to be your bride..


You never tried to protect me.
Or maybe you did..
But I think it was only so you would not feel guilty.
I'm teetering here, baby.
 
"He promised.
He lied.
She believed.
She died."

Reality slapped me.
Literally, in the face.
For the blood;
I have a strong distaste. 

I feel no shame.
Because, I'm broken.
I know.
I only wish people would stop telling me which direction to go.

I have no other option,
I slip into the night.
I have no choice,
I can't put up a fight.

..And when all is not said, but surely done,
I look into the distorted mirror and wonder what she is running from.

Fairy Tale

She lives in a fairy tale,

Too far away for us to find.

Anonymously angry towards everyone.

Noise.

Noise will soon be cast to the streets.

So, tonight I will run away,

And find the sister piece of me.

Slowly slipping,

But laughing helps.

Only on the inside,

Because the hole in my heart is at least a mile wide.

Make the world your own.

You can't do that with blood stained hands,

Or tears in your eyes.

I'm an untamed dreamer.

Come and get me.

Changed;

For the nightmares hold me close.

Rise from the ashes.

Here comes a rose.

The only time I feel pretty,

Is when I lay in your arms,

Or pull your sweatshirt over me.

It makes me feel tiny..

It makes me believe...

Or maybe this is all just a fairy tale.

It's taking place in a place far away from you.

You'll never reach me.

The jokes on you..

I don't tell them anything.

(Anymore.)

There's nothing I can really say.

Maybe someday,

You will be the one.

I think the bigger guys are happier.

They are so much better at giving hugs. 

Not a curse,

But I'm reminding myself of all my blessings. 

No need to feel alone..

Not tonight.

Lost and never found.

Tangled up in a fairy tale.

Does it really exist?

Someone please tell me if,

Life gets better than this..

I debate it a lot..

I just want to scream.

I just for once want everyone to stop.

STOP.

And just listen to me!

God sent me a dream,

And in it was you.

I'm holding onto the closure.

Don't you dare say that you ever loved me too.

Sunshine that's broken.

What does that look like to you?

Hopelessly running.

 I woke up this morning,
And my heart was on fire.
I gave myself a tattoo.
It looks just like barbwire.

Fix me.
But when I learn how to breathe again,
I don't want to hear anyone talk.

Hurt comes in waves,
Crashing down on an unsuspecting victim.
Girl.
Trapped.
Never alone forever.

I live in a fairy tale,
It's too far away for you to find.
I'm here, but escaping to the back of my mind.

Fears Vs. Dreams

Hello faithful Blogspot.com followers!
    Wow. This is so much easier than trying to write a poem. Hopefully, there will only be a few poems thrown into this little post. Just for the heck of it, of course. I'm going to try this out. (You know. The whole talk-to-them-don't-give-them-Confucian-metaphor-shit.) So for the thirty of you who read often, and the ones who pop in from time-to-time, I hope you enjoy. The least you can do is, JustListen.

I've been thinking a lot. Fears vs. Dreams.  If you're thinking to yourself, "Gosh! That sounds vaguely familiar," you would be correct. Fears vs. Dreams is a branch of "To Write Love On Her Arms." They aim to remind you that you should never give up on life, and that YOU as an individual are worth loving whether it be by others or just learning to love yourself. It's like...Coming to terms with who you are, but in a positive way. The whole experience is meant to help you grow. Need an example? Ok. Let's start with me.

Fear: Having no one to turn to 

Dream: Love myself

Seems easy enough right? Well, that little bit took me about twenty minutes. I have so many fears and insecurities that it was really hard to choose. I had to think, "Which one would I want to rid myself of most?"

And as for dreams. That one wasn't as tough but, there was a point in my life where I was just like, "Ok. This is it. What is there to look forward to now?" Sometimes I truly did believe there was nothing left for me. But, that is a different story..

To Write Love On Her Arms.

Is that what you preach?

How can you even say that?

You have put so much distance between us,

I'm out of your reach.

Fears vs. Dreams.

 

What happens when my fears come like Hell descending on me?

Are all my dreams just going to drown in smoke?

Which one is the devil?

My fears or my dreams?

Because everything and everyone aren't always what they seem..

Please: STAY ALIVE

There's not much I can do.

I'm only one me.

And I'm not very important to a lot of people,

So that's not helping my case much..

Yeah, that didn't rhyme very well,

But rhymes aren't so important when you are trying to save a life.

I got lost in the dark,

And I couldn't find myself.

Until I found myself wondering, 

"How do I save a life?"

 

How did I answer that question? How could I? I needed to start with me. To Write Love On Her Arms has this new campaign that I am REALLY excited about. Please: STAY ALIVE. Genius right? I've probably said that a hundred times. 

A hundred times.  

That's scary right? I think it is. It scares me that at one point someone I love was ready to give up. 

But why didn't you? 

You had FEARS. 

And guess what else you probably had?

DREAMS.

But if you didn't have either of those, don't get mad at me for it. I'm just blogging. And you are, JustListening.

This month was suicide awareness month. And honestly, I should wear my freaking "LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT" T-Shirt every single day of my life. I really do believe that. Maybe if we just start loving everyone and everything around us, everything will turn out peachy. I don't really know. I do know that we should love ourselves. 

 

I love you. Please: STAY ALIVE.

Love,

          JustListen

 

How To Say Nothing With All Of Your Heart

Bleach blond locks,
Beauty to you is such a wild fantasy.
Whiskey and sleeping pills follow you from the night,
Into the back of your mind the next day.

It wasn't your fault,
He just called the cops first.
Jump town to escape the pain,
It's hard to believe that the victim can also be framed.

Together in the grey of light,
I reach for his fingers; wrapping my tiny hand around just one.
Heartbeat's fast; mine is ever so still.
We lock weary eyes, comfortable with the ominous chill.

Yet another doctor; knowing not what to do.
Collecting loose change to pay my own bills.
Rolling my eyes while nurses hook me up to more machines.
I want to scream.

Tell them to cut the poking and prodding me,
Because I'm through.
My visit to the pearly gates is long overdue. 

My eyes are up here, but please don't look at the bruises.
Fade out, and hope for a better life next time around.
Sometimes you have to let yourself break into a million pieces..
So that you can put yourself back together again.

In cased by freedom; thinking anything is something you can do.
The smoke's not clearing,
It's just turning to tension thick as fog.
Maybe it's because you just stopped caring.

Sometimes in the process of helping everyone,
You need to learn to love yourself too.

As I shout out my fears; sixbillion insecurities,
No one is listening.
I should have known right from the start..
So, I'll just be saying nothing with all of my heart.

Trapped

Here you find yourself;
Trapped in another guy's room.
You wonder if you will ever sleep tonight.
Dollars; you have to make a few.

Kisses like poison.
Your feelings have been played too hard,
And you have been hurting too long.
Your moral compass is broken.

Nothing seems wrong.

You were never good with creating mirrors with smoke.
You laugh at yourself and ask if this life is a joke.

You curl into yourself,
And you press your back away from him.
Looks like your love has gone cold.
But if you're going to play games with me...

Your story will not go untold. 

A boney spine is the outcome of what you do.
The scars on your arms highlight your veins of blue.
And I'll just pull you inclose because I understand you.

I will hold you like Katniss; the way Katniss holds Rue.

Your a game inside a puzzle;
A piece within chess.
Now go out and find your next victim,
Put on that tight dress.

You are blinded by faith and light.
When are you going to wake up?
You are trapped in an empty space;
A boxer with no one in her corner.

     Wake up;
                   Wake
                    Up
                   To
                  Face

             The
                   Horror. 

Pass Me A Note Sweetheart (Because I'm Always Here)

Alright.
Okay.
Let's burn some more bridges today.

I've fallen off the ledge,
I'm grasping onto two ropes.
One is pulling me up while I hold onto the other by the fingertips.
What happens when he cuts his own throat?

Sweetheart, what are you doing?
What...What are you doing to yourself?

Why can't you see who you are hurting?
You are hurting everyone, and you're pushing them away.
I'm picking up the casualties of people who are trying to save you.

I can't save you.
But I know you want to listen.
Do you want to hear my voice again?
God.. I'd sure love an answer. 

I can see you.
You're pale with a glow of lost in your eyes.
That's not how you see yourself. 
But, you're a mirror of what I once was and:

The
Mirror
Never
Lies.

I lay myself down with a strange person,
Very unfamiliar to me.
He was your best friend one though, right?

I think he came in somewhere between loving me and losing me.
You just want to replace me.

Pass me a note,
Because I know you think about me.

Do you feel bad?
Are you sad when you stop thinking about me?

Yes?
No?
Maybe?
So?

You're wrapped up in it.
And that is such a dangerous thing to do; nothing I can do.
I can stay pushed into the back of your mind.

But for how long?
 Everything has turned out so horribly wrong.
I've missed you ever since I decided that you were long gone.

I'm always here.
But that's something that you don't want me to be.
I'll just be that ghost of a best friend; lost in your own identity.  

13 Reasons Why

I'm so caught up in giving in,
I'm looking for an easy way out.
But, nothing.
Nothing is ever easy.

I keep saying to myself,
"Let me go. And then the rest will follow."
My heart is so weak and hollow.

I can't reach out anymore.
You all let me slip away.
13 Reasons Why.

Darlings, I made the tapes.

I don't want to hurt you.
You are all too sweet.
So I'll push them in a corner,
They will be mine forever to keep.

13.
Reasons.
Why.
..Maybe this will save me from truly saying goodbye. 

Rocky Horror Picture Show

All of my hate got caught on
       A
              Wrinkle
                             In
           Time.

Late at night;
Early morning's noon.
I ponder my future, alone in solitude.


If it were up to me..
No one would have to go hungry;
                           Searching
                                            An
                                                     Empty

                                                                     Pantry.

The wooden floors,
Allow for visitors to easily be heard.
Should this scare me?

Is life coming back at me for
                     Round
                  Two
Of
                   A Lesson
Well
Learned?

The walls stare back at me.
They wait to hear me scream.

I listen for the moon
    With.
         No.
            Reply. 

I listen to my memories
 Singing
           Lullabies. 

Twelve-oh-nine in the night time,
This is a perfect time for me.

I read the letters over and over.

I'm trying
 To find
                           Peace
                         Within
                     Me.

I hum to the wind chimes.
I created them you see.
Their tiny box advertizes:

Peace,
              Love
                         & Harmony.

I'm just trying to find all that inside of me.

Lay me down to sleep,
I pray to Lord that you not
     Let
Me
     Weep.

Let the beads catch the light,
I'll force a smile with all my might.

Someone's
        No
 Longer
                         Watching
               Out
                         For
                                       Me.

Kiss me.
Kiss me.
Now you're going to miss me.
    How cruel.

Everything
      In
 That
                    Statement
 Is
       True
             For
You.

Now do you just miss me?

My mind is best described as:
A
      Rocky
                                Horror
       Picture
                  Show.

See Me (The Photographer's Lover)

Messing around with a camera,
A click catches his smile.
I'm alright with this.
He can stay awhile.

Words are unnecessary,
They just get in the way.
We're running on a week here.
Doesn't really matter to me how long you stay.

I'm addicted.
I know you are too.
What is this going to be?
Are we really seeing this through?

You had to go,
Promised me you'd be right back.
Tiny tears began to fall from my eyes.
What is it that I really lack?

See me smile.
I'll believe you.
 I'll ignore all this denial.

  
Running on the fumes of candy and energy bars,
Wondering how much longer you can survive like this.
Pressing on anyways,
Pushing your limits. 

Beaches are the best places to mend a broken heart.
Or the worst,
Depending on if you reflect or reminisce..

Cry and blame it on some sand in your eyes.
It doesn't matter to me.
I just want you to be OK in the end.

We have another broken heart on the mend.

Come take a walk;
A walk on the dark side with me.

I'll show you something,
But if I do,
You have to promise not to run away.

You have to promise me you'll stay...

I wish I would have fought for more things than I let slip away.

Take me for what I am;
A firework packed with secrets just waiting to explode.

Someone help me,
I'm carrying a heavy load.

I hear you wear your heart on your sleeve.
I only wear tank tops.
Sorry to disappoint.

Beaten down underdog;Without anyone by her side.
All the while smiling..
I'm too high on life.

Somewhere through all these search lights,
I find my guiding light.

Scrolling down past names on a cellphone,
I shall never call any of them again.
These people hurt me most.

My heart was on the mend...

"Smile. Your beautiful."
What should that mean to me?
Beauty is only skin deep.
My body once again becomes my enemy.

See me.
You can't take you eyes of that camera lens.
You can't see me;
The me who is going to end up hurt in the end.

I left so many things in life unfinished.
I am stupid,
Because my heart thinks faster than my brain can.

But it's my heart telling me when to run.

That's where living hits me hard.
My lips are covered with battle scars.
Boxes and boxes of pictures; trying to find a person left in one of them that means something to me..

...That I meant something to.

Don't take this the wrong way.
Maybe I just don't have a picture of you. 
Or maybe you didn't have the heart to see me through.

See me.
Me who I am.

Don't change the lighting.
Don't airbrush my trials or hid my truths.
I'm the photographer's lover.
Everyone should know not to judge a book by its cover.

And He Told Me We'd Name Her Ireland

I stood by my kitchen sink,
I scrounged through the empty drawers.

I heated up another night's dinner consisting of Top Ramen.  
I prayed, "God, don't let him hit me again. Please. Thank you. Amen."

I remember the days when I believed in love,
But it's alright.
Don't worry.
I'm fine.

I remember laying on the beach,
Two couples kissing in harmony.

I remember the touch of his hands, Dear.
I remember him wanting me.

I asked him, "What if I get pregnant?"
He said,"Don't worry, Baby. It's fine!"
And he told me we'd name her Ireland.

I really thought we had a future,
But it turns out our relationship was just an example of internal destruction of Cupid's architecture. 

He left me alone,
And I thought, "Just let me die here."
There was a baby inside of me.

I sat in the heat of day,
All my options spiraling around in my head.
I knew that I had made my own bed.

He left me for some life; a life that stayed very near.
This life came with a slut named Layla.
Days later, I wore a black veil.

It turns out that's just how our story turned out; a broken fairy tale.

Everything I knew had been turned upside down.
So, I went to go jump of a bridge.
There was a man running in the fog.
But I couldn't see him, because of all the smog.

In the distance I heard, "Don't worry, Baby. It's fine!"
While I felt two arms wrap around me.
I knew, I wanted him to be mine.

He said, "I've always loved the name, Ireland."
And that was good enough for me.

This man, he taught me how to dance.
And I couldn't believe my luck now.

I'd been given another chance.

He wasn't the man of my dreams,
I'll make that very clear.
But if I wished it to be so; I wished very hard,
It was as if life had dealt me all the right cards.

When the times get rough,
I close my eyes and think.
I think about my future.
And I think of my unborn baby girl.

Ireland is the place that I have always wanted to be at.
I want to admire all the gingerly hair.
I will run with the dogs that hunt wolves. 

The gentle man told me to keep my head up.
While he sang me down to sleep.
I thought I'd never see the day.

So...

I'll name my baby Ireland.
That way I'll be able to see the land of a thousand welcomes everyday.
I'll greet my infant with joy.

The lad reassured my fears that everything I thought I knew was wrong.
But he said,"Baby please try and see, that I'm going to try my best for you and me."
I needed to be Wych Elk tree strong.

I prayed to God.
He communicated to me that we will one day move into the highlands.

I don't think about him much these days
Because he doesn't mean a thing anymore.

That name sounds so beautiful.

It's funny how I once imagined him to be my future husband.
It was on that night when I slept on his chest; when I held his hand in my hand.

And he told me we'd name her Ireland.

Midsummer Night's Dream

Grass under my bare feet,
Two brothers and a sister by my side.
I look past the holes in the backyard fence,
Knowing that not far away is the boy and girl that made me the victim of their love's hit-and-run.

A hammock swings, occupied.
Every exhale is noticeably tinged with the smells of beer.
But it is my older sister who is glowing.
It is a comfort to her knowing we are here.

Walking inside,
The cake has been neatly dissected with only a few flipped over casualties;
Those pieces are simply left unclaimed and rejected.
Champlain is being poured as the young couple smiles.
The rest of the family and I pour a glass, getting a nice buzz on for awhile. 

We stand in the corner of the kitchen;
Politely shaking hands with the men and woman who claim to know us.
We reminisce; laughing a great deal.

Our stomachs mumble as strength leaves us.
Everyone is leaving.
The busy mother of the bride wraps up to go bags for those who depart early.
The father of the bride is nowhere in sight.

Glass shatters; an heirloom is broken.
Fortunately, my oldest brother puts himself out there for me, taking the blame.
Beer cans drop on the floor,
And it is laughs all around.
How very little there is to worry about.  

I've never liked lasagna.
Until I ate it in the dark.

There is a very high possibility that I will never love a lasagna as much as I loved that one.

All other guests have finally cleared out.
Leaving just a jumpy mother and the rest of my siblings.
I came to terms along time ago that this man would one day become my brother.

The backyard is lit with dangling lights.
Candles illuminate the tables.
We eat in the darkness; but not in silence.  

Pandora takes the role of entertainment.
It is an endless cycle of the songs I grew up with.
Jackets and coats engulfed all of us,
While I caught the table on fire.

The croaking of frogs make us feel like we are in a different time and place,
Occasionally knocking back another cold one,
We would tell another story.
I'd give anything to have stayed forever, in that moment.
Everything was perfect.

It was a midsummer night's dream.

Notes To God

If I could pass notes to God,
Oh, what would I say?

Would He write back telling me to get my shit together?
Would He say to go out and find another way?

Does He know how much I'm hurting?
Can He see my tears that I'm crying?
God...
Is the Bible lying?

Why aren't You here?
I'm doubting everything.
I'm even doubting You.

Lord, please tell me that You are going to come through..

Do You love my honesty?
I want to shriek, " GOD HELP ME!"
I need You to clear up such a large cloud of confusion that has been surrounding me.

I pass notes to God,
They come in the form of prayer.
It would help me if you would write me back.
Check YES or NO if You are there.

What's Your plan for me?
I don't know which way to turn.
So, I am going to run to You.
Do you need me too?

What would He say to a poor girl like me?
I'm falling down on my knees for judgment.
I want to spend the rest of eternity with You.

I'm writing a note to God.
But all that I can force out is,
"God, I miss You."

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

I'm leaving.
Just trying to find a way out of here.
Don't know which way to go.
But I'm leaving on a jet plane.

Smile for me.
There's a fresh pot of coffee brewing.
When the coffee's cold,
I'll already be gone.

I'll hit the road.
You hit the books.
And maybe we will see each other again one day.

Hold down the fort,
While I go out and find a better version of me.
Thank you for being so understanding.
But I'm leaving on a jet plane.

Close your eyes,
And search your heart for me.
I'll never be farther than a phone call away.

Let me go.
And babe, please be happy.
Why me?

I'll be back again someday.
But don't hold your breath.
I've had enough promises for a life time.
I know what it is like to have backs turned, and doors shut in my time of need.

I'm leaving on a jet plane.
Not sure which way to go.
You'll have to guess,
Just like in a traveler's game of Russian roulette. 

Don't tell me that you'll wait,
I don't know if I will be coming back.
Times are changing,
People too.

But close your eyes,
Search your heart for me.
When I close my eyes I remember that soft smell of beach on you.
I really will be missing you.


We will both wake up one morning,
Looking for one another.
It will hit us.
The other person is gone.

 Not for long..

I try really hard not to make promises I can't keep.
No need to wait for me,
I might not make it back from across the world like you expect me to.

I'm leaving on a jet plane.
I have my ticket in hand.
I don't want to hurt you,
What happens if you find out I've found another man?

Let me see you one more time,
Keep the love inside my heart warm.

You've got me beat on the troubles ahead that you will face.
Don't take my word lightly, but that is how I will tread.
I'm leaving on a jet plane.

I'll be standing at the gate,
I'll turn to face you, maybe next time I see you is judgement day.
Bundle up and let loose.
I hate that you have to go.

Where does this plane take me?
What am I leaving you to?
The adventures don't end for us here.

Smile.
Please don't follow me.
It may seem pretty far,
You could never get there in a cable car.

Spin the globe,
Think of me.
Think of the days when we won't have to worry about being worlds away.

Smile.
And if you ever want to find me.
I'll be missing you too..
Close your eyes, search your heart for me.
That's where I will always stay.

But today,
I'm leaving on a jet plane.

 

They Forgot About Me

I was waiting,
It was just a waiting game for you.
Because you never showed up,
Even though you promised to.

You promised again,
And pretended to be sorry.
But I know you weren't.

I just held back tears and said,
"It's OK. You just forgot about me.."


I'm spinning.
No one is stopping,
Because they forgot about me.

I want so badly to push everything away,
Because no one ever asked me to stay.
I want to scream.
I didn't want anyone to leave.

Did I push you all so far?
Did you ever thing about how your decisions effected me...?

Obviously not.
You just forgot about me.   

I'm used up.
Misplaced,
Left in the corner,
While you wait for me to have a brighter perspective on life.

I think I'm addicted,
To believing that everything turns bad.
But who can really blame me?

I was forgotten you see.

Cars pull in,
Not one looks familiar to me.
Could it be?
Was I forgotten once more?

I walk on,
In a town where it is possible that I am easily recognized by people passing.
But a face like mine is easy to dismiss from your mind.

These thoughts,
They are constantly running through my soul.
I scream once more inside.
My name will one day me forgotten with time.

Don't forget about me,
And how much our friendships made me believe,
That maybe you wouldn't be the same;
The same as those people over there.

They forgot about me..

Don't Look Back

You walked through the streets today,
Wearing the same pair of jeans you were the day that you got kicked out..
Your face is dirty; a mix of tears and sweat.
Things will get better,
So don't look back.

I've found that the less money you have, the happier you are.
I've come to realize the difference between what I want and what I need.
That doesn't always stop me from obtaining what I want.
And when people ask,
"Do you need some money?"

I smile and say,
"Nah. Just pray for me."

I admit,
It's hard.
But it is your choice how much harder it gets on you.
You understand?

Having bare feet is one of the things that I used to love,
And wearing tennis shoes with an everyday outfit was taboo.
But these days, no shoes results in rocks and glass in your feet..

You do what you have to do.

There is a place in town,
Where there plaques with writing on them pined onto the brick walls.
They say things like,
"Spa."
"Backyard."
"Kitchen."
And, "Bedroom."

It's just a field behind a beat up 7-11,
But that is usually where you will find me. 

I like to imagine,
That these places exist.
The neighborhood kids like to play along too.

Asked one of the older kids,
She was probably eight or nine,
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

She told me that she didn't know.
But when she did know,
"I'll take it, and run with it."

That's how I see my life,
Right now it may just look like a collection of different fights.
Or a bunch of different jerky twist and car crashes.
But that's life.

You take it,
Run with it,
And don't look back.

  

You Caught Me Saying Sorry..

I think I should tell you,
On nights like this..
I really miss you.

I'm sorry your fight came to an end..

But a, "sorry" really doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't fix anything.
Doesn't change anything.

You are gone..

I'll light up a paper bag for you;
Drawing your face,
Trying my hardest to describe your love.
Crayons cannot do you justice. 

I miss you so much...

I miss you.
I want you to guide me.
Somewhere.
Anywhere..

I remember crying in my room saying,
"Noe, please don't die."

Chalkboard thoughts,
Repeating through my mind.
"Don't go."
"I miss you."
"Don't go."

"DON'T GO!"

But then you did...

I know you don't want me to cry for you.
But I have to,
Even though you never asked me too.

Most nights..
I don't know why,
But my mind turns to you.

My mind turns to how beautiful you were,
And how special you were to everyone, including me.

I need you...
I needed you to stay with me.

It hurts.
It hurts so bad.
But all I hear is nothing..
And sometimes...
That makes me mad.

I'll see you in Heaven.
There will be a smile on my face;
You wait and see.

Are you watching over me? 

I'm strong,
And you are too.
You caught me saying sorry.
But all I want you to hear coming from my lips is,

"Noe, I love you."

Daydreamer

I am a daydreamer,
I just let my thoughts go without a word.
You can't see my insides;
You can't see how much it hurts.

It's not reality,
But I love what I have.
So please don't be startled when a smile crosses my face,
Or I laugh.

I'm lost in my thoughts.

Go to sleep little daydreamer.

I wake up in the morning now,
Crossing my legs.
I take in the sunlight; streaming on my face. 

I thank God that it is the warmth I feel instead of tears falling down.

I want a belonging place.
I want that place to feel accepted;
A place slightly tinged with love. 

It's funny how the places in my mind that scared me,
Now make me feel so safe.

I'm not always here,
But in the best kind of way.
This is the place where I really want to stay.

"Hush little daydreamer..
Hush..
Go to sleep."

I fade in-and-out.
I'm so sorry.
These kinds of things just happen to me.

I don't think I'm that dangerous.
I'm not a threat to the world.
Sometimes these things are just out of my control. 

It's all broken pieces,
Broken pieces of me.

Visions.
Puzzling thoughts,
& half completed memories.

These thoughts just consume and take over me. 

Skinny Dipper

I ran beside you tonight.
I looked into your crystal blue eyes; illuminated by the full moon's light.
My eyes only grew darker as the night drew in the darkness.
Because I know tonight I can get lost in you,
Never having to think about me.
Who I am,
And what I have done..

None of that matters.

I snag on the barbwire, as my bracelet made from yarn and beads holds me back.
I find it to be very symbolic.
I'm caught on the borderline.
It is the borderline between my past and my peace of mind.

I hesitate,
Just for a moment.

I slit the bracelet down the middle.

Another bridge burned as I continue crawling on my way;
Under marked off areas and caution tape,
Ignoring the signs I no longer care to read.
Those signs had held me back.

I held onto my fears and "what if's" when I stayed on the safe side.
But not tonight.
Tonight I kept running.   

I find peace in the way the darkness hugs my curves.
No boy could ever envelop me so perfectly.

I'm naked.
But at the same time I've never felt more concealed.

I walk toward the water.
I stop at the point where the sand turns to mud; letting it seep in between my toes.

I laugh.
Because I've never felt more beautiful.

Someone comes up behind me,
Brushing his fingers through my dramatically shorter hair.  
I tug at the tips,
And when I turn...

No one is there.

I let my self feel tired.
Laying down on the bank,
I sleep.
When I wake up,
I have been crying.
And this time,

There is someone holding me.

I sit up.
And he tells me to go into the water.
I can't swim.
But it doesn't matter.
Because he slowly begins nudging me in.

I let myself go, as the water swallows me up.
I don't think I even made a ripple in the water.
I'm not fighting anymore.

Everything feels so cool and dream like.
As if I could get lost in this world,
And never have to return to the surface.

I dive farther under,
When I look up,
I am not afraid.

I am too far gone.
So I stay suspended in contentment.

I know that when I return to the surface and ask,
"Did you miss me?"
I will only get a shocked reply of,
"Oh! You were gone?"

Tonight,
The world was mine.

I wait for the moment when I can feel my lungs are about ready to burst.
I pull my legs under me, like a ball being held under.
I'm practically waiting for a referee to blow a whistle; signalling some kind of foul.

I push for the surface,
Because lately water seems to be my worst fear.

The first thing I see,
Is my own face being reflected back at myself.  
It's coming from two blue eyes that have been searching for me. 

The water laps up around us,
He's pulling me close.
I can feel his steady breathing on my neck; steam's on the lake from our soft voices colliding.

My body is tight,
Most likely from the cold chill present on this summer night.

My hair lets beads of water drip down,
Reminding me of my total bareness.
Tonight I will sleep in sheets laced with a spider's delicate web.

I will lay on my back,
Finally in touch with myself.
I kissed the air,
And kissed my own broken heart; hoping that my own kiss holds the same power to heal as others.

I know it isn't fair,
To expect you to know what I want.

But I lay here tonight,
Eyes closed and excepting;
Ready to give myself to you.

His hands are around my waist,
But this time, no one needs to hold me up.

I'm going to swim on my own. 


 

Wildfire

There is a bridge going nowhere;
Know where it leads.

You ever played with fire?
Lit a match?
Of course you have.

My body is a tree,
And the world keeps trying to cut me down.
But if a tree falls willingly in her bedroom...
Will it make a sound?

The only time I have control over anything,
Is when I write.
Most of my time is spent writing.
Because maybe if I acknowledge it.
It will go away..

Just maybe.

My heart is a wildfire,
When I scream no one is around..
No one is really listening anyways..
But if you are,
Could you tell me now?

My rings of age; sprung up from many trials,
Can be found on my wrists.
Neatly placed.

None were mistakes;
Just the people who caused them.

Knives were held to my face,
So I just lifted my hands in the air; signaling my surrender.
Why do you think trees reach for the sky?

The wind just blows right through me; never thinking anything of me.
What a mistake.
I shouldn't have let the world run right over me.

Fire dances up my spine,
Wrapping all around me until the only thing to put out the fire is a rain of blood.
It's a vicious cycle.
Because my fires never truly die..


The smell of smoke; especially that of a freshly lit match,
Makes my whole body awaken.
When that match touches my skin,
I feel like I can focus.

Even though my whole world has been shaken.

Do you know how sick this all is?
Sick.

That is the only word to describe me & you.

Wait.
Wait JustListen.
I have a question!
Who on Earth are you talking to?

I'm talking to myself.
I'm not talking to anyone.
I'm not telling my secrets anymore; I'm done.

I'm looking for the antidote,
For this rare tree disease.

I don't want to be:
 Ill,
Diseased,
Unwell,
Or morbid anymore.

I am a one woman wildfire. 
It's all this hate inside of me.
Who is coming to my rescue?
It makes me even angrier thinking of all the things I should have said to you.

I took the liberty of carving your initials into my tree trunk.
How many night has it been since I haven't gone to bed wishing I were drunk?

I'm suffocating everywhere I go.
Because you took away all the air.
Do you really think this is fair?

Children climb over me,
Snapping me out of my daze.
But my wildfire heart takes all the good out in a fiery blaze.

In the night time I am left with nothing,
Maybe a bottle of empty promises,
And the forgotten hopes of a better tomorrow.

My heart is a wildfire.
You knew how to lite it so well.

My wrists are just sawdust;
Chopped down by your disrespect for me.

My soul is this tree trunk,
If you knock, you'll find it hollow.

If you looked closely at my words,
You'd know that I don't want to see you tomorrow.

This One's For J (Yes You My Dear..)

I am the oldest ballerina.
When I get up on that stage,
I will have to turn my face away,
Because the girl who I'd always watched up on that stage,
Is not going to be in the front row watching me..

What am I suppose to say?
What do you expect me to do?

Darling I hope you're reading this
You know, the girl who's making my life Hell?

Yes, this one's for you. 
So focus on every line,

J,
Listen well.

Are you reading religiously everyday?
Hoping your name won't "pop up" on my blog?
Don't worry, it won't.

Actually, I would be worried..
But you know..
That's just me.

I'm not worried about what you think.
And I'm not afraid to die.

Are you going to remember the last words I ever said to you?
What's that?
Your shitty attempt at goodbye?

Is there something wrong with me?
I ACTUALLY thought that I DESERVED what you did to me.

..What you are doing to me.

I don't.
I don't deserve this.

And I'm sorry this isn't a pretty little poem.
I'm sure I could rewrite it if you'd like..
But I feel like I need to get a point across to you.

You don't need to dissect a rhyme of mine.

How do you think I feel!?

What did I mean to you?
Clearly not enough.
What did you think I was crying about?
I'm just boxing up your stuff.

Really?
Really...
What kind of fucking best friend are you?

"A terrible one."
 Yeah.
Those are your words too.

Yours.
Mine.
Everyone.

Do you think that's the way to earn respect around you?

I'm not coming back.
Got it?

I don't care if he knocks you up and leaves you on a corner. 

Whose side do you think people will take?
Will they listen to your pathetic love story?
Or will they believe in me?

Fuck it.
Just someone tell me what is wrong with me!

I tried to die.
I tried to die for you.
I tried dieing for everyone around me who took back that,
"I love you."

I guess that just makes it suicide attempt number: 2.

Why is it that everyone is just leaving me?
I'm not sure what else to do..

Please tell me.
What did you think?
I know you weren't thinking of me.

You suck.
So get me away from here.

Will you come to my funeral, lovey?
I just hope they won't both be on the same day.
Because now I know whose funeral people would rather attend.


They will cry over the casket of the girl who's last hope was murdered by her best friend.

Have you ever seen an animal that has been hit by a car?
It's sad.
But so interesting at the same time.

It automatically knows it is dieing,
But it still scrapes at its surroundings to hold on to life.

You know it won't survive.

That's what it is like for me.
You knew I wouldn't make it.
So why not put me out of my misery? 

It's not me putting this gun to my head; it's you.
Yeah, you.

These pills in my hands were prescribed in your name.
But thanks for offering it up like free candy.

What lead me down this path?
That is something I often ask...

I don't even want you back anymore.
Neither of you. 
I'll just get out of your way.

I wrote a list,
The list that caused my downward spiral.
Are you on that list?

Don't worry.
You'll find out in a little while.

It twists and it turns,
A snowball effect if you will.

Just because I'm telling you this story,
It doesn't mean I'm coming out alive. 

So come on,
Bring it.
Put me out of my misery. 

Chicken Noodle Soup For A Cold Soul

I'm falling asleep at the wheel,
So I just kept smiling at all the insecurities of life.
While you are in the fast lane in front of me,
Ready to be done with me.

I need some chicken soup; chicken soup for a cold soul.

So I bundle up,
Because lately I've never felt so cold. 
I'm cold on the inside,
And I can't really tell you why..

I'm so sorry.
I'm giving up on today.

I'm giving up on today,
Forever & always,
And tomorrow.
I don't want to continue on drowning in my sorrows..

It was too much to take,
I was beginning to break.
So, I gave into you.

How did you pick your heart's broken pieces up?
Can you teach me how?

Five sweatshirts isn't enough.
I've thrown all my socks on.
But still the fire inside me is gone.

I'm sick.
Really sick.

I made some chicken noodle soup,
Hoping it would brighten my perspective.
But it did nothing but make me place my hands over my tummy; and up to rub my ribs..
All it did was make me feel ashamed.

So I prayed that I wouldn't make myself throw it back up.

If I die,
I hope that they connect the dots.
That way it will lead right back to you.

I stumble often,
And I fall even more.
I collapsed and had to tremble; pulling myself up by the refrigerator door.   

Do you think they make a soup for
Such
A
Cold
Soul
As
Mine?

Please don't listen when I say,
"Don't worry, I'm fine."

Did you really believe everything those people said?
Dig a little deeper,
I'll show you the real me.

My soul is cold.
I just wanted to feel something..
So I let you have me.

Run away.
Go ahead and write a "tell all" about me.
Of course, you think you know so much.
But you don't know anything.

I need some chicken soup for a cold soul..

My head keeps throbbing,
This world is spinning; though I'm not even moving.
I am shaking.

I was so sick of being strong...
And now I'm so weak I'm sick.

Am I confusing you?
Too bad.
Keep up.

They should invent a game.
Call it:
 Connect the Scars.

Do you think you're name would pop up in my life's mystery?

Suicide notes can be so..
Thought provoking.
Don't you think?

You'll try your best to dissect it.
But will you truly understand it?
Of course not.

You don't have all the pieces.

I know what you did.
You found a million and one ways to hurt me.

Don't let me go...

I'm drowning.
Maybe I'm suffering from hypothermia..
When you reached out to grab my hands,
Did you notice how cold they had become?

Promise me you will never say goodbye?

I need some chicken soup,
Because my thoughts are becoming bolder.
The look in my eyes is becoming older..
My soul is becoming colder..

I need some chicken soup for a cold soul.
 

7 Days For A Middle Class Miracle To Happen

You have seven days to walk out that door,
Never come back forever more.

Pack up all your belongings,
Or leave them all to collect dust till the new owners arrive.
I don't care how you will survive.

It doesn't mean anything to me. 

I'll throw my life into tiny blue boxes,
I'll wipe my mommy's tears,
And I'll fake a smile when I say,
"It's OK. I didn't really want to stay anyway..."

Where will we live?
Alone with no sheets?
Do you think I can crash with my long lost Aunt who lives on Misery Street?

How can you be so cruel?
I guess I will be having self invited sleepovers for quite awhile..
But I hope you will never know.
I have nowhere else to go.

It's all about how you finish..
Please, I'm not asking for any sympathy. 
I just want my mom to be able to look in my eyes without feeling so bad for me.

It's not really that bad.
So why can't she see?

I know we will be alright. 

Middle class tragedy.
Too wealthy to have to not pay for school lunches,
To poor to always bring our own.

You have seven days.
So you better get out.
I don't care how you'll survive.

It doesn't matter to me if your dead or alive.

You are just middle class; a middle class tragedy.

Look Up For Me

Not even my family will listen to me.
A stranger is more likely to do so.
But isn't that what they are?
Just strangers.

I walk by,
And sit nicely at the table.
Strange looks are thrown around as I open my mouth to speak.
But no one is really listening.

Someone look up for me.

I sit at my desk.
And I start a conversation with Sarah...
"Hey. You want to hang out sometime?"
She mumbles a, "Sure."
And continues her note writing while flirting with the TA for our class.

I'm pushed to the side,
But in reality I haven't moved an inch.
Just a cold shoulder putting miles in between us.   

Someone look up for me..

I stand among my fellow coaches,
While trying to make a little boy listen to me.
I wave my hands in the air.
I call out his name,
But it is just a wasted breathe you see..

I walk over,
And snap my fingers in his face.
He averts his gaze.
I know I'm not invisible,
But I pinch myself for good measure. 

Someone look up for me!

I pace in the locker room;
The ticking time bomb that I am..
I press my hands up on the mirror and I stare back at my refection.

I don't understand.
Why doesn't anyone listen!?
Can't I make an impression on anyone...?

Look up for me.

A girl walks into the bathroom,
She just ignores me.
I lift my head,
And look myself dead in the eyes; the mirror reflecting my anger back at me.

I can't take this anymore.

I scream.
And she looks up.

Welcome To My City

Imagine a place.

A place where as a child you can roam free;

Free to fall victim to the surrounding world and all it's wild dangers.

If you weren't born here,

Dare to go outside.

This is a place where Christmas lights dangle from the roof tops and bushes.

All the while notice it is nearing the end of June. 

This is a place where community is strong,

And friendships are stronger. 

Houses are kept private with multicolored sheets,

Instead of curtains being drawn.

And when I see a four foot tall mom with eleven kids,

I pray that one of them will make it out of here.

..I pray that I make it out of here. 

This is a place where McDonald's has become the nicest place in the city.

And there are couples making out in front,

With matching tramp stamp tattoos. 

You can only hope that that little girl you saw walking down Main Street; little brothers hands in each palm,

Won't end up like the McDonald's chick. 

This is a place almost everyone has an orange or lemon tree in the back of their house,

You need to know Spanish just to order a sandwich, 

And dresses are down to your ankles unless it is your profession to wear miniskirts.

Dare not wear red,

Dare not wear blue.

...If you do the gangs will come after you.

This is a place...

Where we can make a meal out of almost everything; served with beans. 

Where my grandma picked strawberries just to proved her family's means. 

So.

Welcome to my city.

Where most of us live on food stamps.

This is a place the government just tends to ignore.

Welcome to my city,

It seems that you don't care about our future anymore.

What Do You See In Me?

It was still cool;
The clouds were still gleaming.
I was surprised to see so many people stirring in the early morning's hour.

I just needed to get away;
Escaping my thoughts.
But it turns out I was just running into them.

It's not my fault they shoved you across the tile towards me. 
Your friends looked at you like some kind of offering,
As if I would look up from my cup of black coffee and maul you.
I'm not a lion after a piece of meat.

I am a person you know. 

I'm not asking you to be my hero.
But that would be nice..

You sat beside me.
And you told me I had pretty eyes.
So I walked away.
You seemed to have on that pretty boy disguise.

I dug into my past;
There; where my memories didn't hurt each time I looked back.

I just wanted to be left alone.
Why couldn't you get that?
Maybe I was acting like a lion.
I was like a cat pinning down a rat. 

No one asked you to be nice,
I'm not a freaking charity case.
It's sad that wherever I go I feel so out of place..

You tried to make a conversation with me,
But I couldn't care any less..
When you pushed the bangs out of my eyes,
Couldn't you see I was a mess?


When you followed me,
And opened my door.
I asked you..

What do you see in me?"
 ...Because I don't even know what there is to me anymore..

Remember When You Loved Me Too?

I lay my head on this chain link fence,
Just like I would if it was under your chin.
I would kiss behind your ears while you would cover my neck.
Even if those kisses were just tiny pecks..

I bury my face in my hands; iPod blasting.
Runners on the track glace up at me and some elderly men take their shirts off.
I'm flattered guys.
But I'll pass.

I snuggle up to the edge of the bleachers,
Occasionally letting my eyes flutter open to glare as a car passes by.
Reality starts to fade away as images and still photographs of you play in my mind.
I need this to stop...

I hit my leg hard.
And I claw at the chain links like a dog in a kennel.  
I'm going crazy.

Slipping my ring off my finger,
I contemplate all this bullshit that I've been going through since you've been gone.
I dig my ring into my wrist until I can feel the bleeding begin.

Oh, sweet clarity.
Why must you come at the price of blood?

Did you ever think that when you moved on to her..
That you had two hearts not one?

It's clear now that I didn't mean anything to you.
You are a dick.
I am the slut.

I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.

I wish I could crawl into a hole and die...
I just want to escape these thoughts of you for awhile..

It's not true what doctors say about mental hospitals.
That aren't what is best for you.

It is true what I say.
They make you worse.

I should know.
I spent a week there being forced to think about what pushed me off the edge,
That's you.

I've come to terms that there will not be another life saving phone call coming from you..

You've moved on,
You are finally OK.
But to me it still feels like you left me yesterday..

I hate you.
And that is what makes me angry the most.
I don't want to still be in love with the past's ghost..

 You never really were good at reading in between my lines,
Or seeing past my fake smiles..
So I will be as straight forward as I can for you.

You see...
You turned into everything you said you wouldn't be.

A Poem Not Named Jessica..

Show me something beautiful;
Something that I want to be.
She is standing there;
Right in front of me. 

You eyes told me stories,
Deeper stories that you weren't quite ready to tell.
But that's OK, because when I first met you,
I was very much inside my shell.

I love the ways you would pick me up after a fall,
I promise you I will be here through it all.

Under the blankets,
Facing opposite directions in my sleepy haze,
We promised we would be America's Next Top Model one of these days..

Your voice grows fainter;
The sleepier you get.
But my memories keep flooding back.

I guess I am in your debt.
But that's not what makes you my friend.
Greater adventures for us are just right around the bend.

You are so beautiful.
So why can't you see it?
How about we switch places and you can be me?

We can trade places,
I think the first thing I would do is play dress up.
Because dying my hair blonde is always something I have wanted to do.

But I think it is best if I stay me.
And you
Stay.
You.

In the dark of the night,
Sometimes it is the first light of morning..
You would talk to me.
And we would account for all of our life mysteries.

You held me while I cried,
I shook and I remembered.
Sometimes I hate to remember,
But sometimes in the dark I let out a smile.
Because that remembering makes all my tears worth while..

This poem is not named Jessica,
It's interesting to think about where we once were..
I hope she knows..
I couldn't live this life without her.

I Can't Help Falling

It is days like these,
I wish I could share with you..
But then I remember,
You didn't ask me to.

It's scary how I sleepwalk right into your arms.

There are a million things I would like to say..
I'm sorry that I drove you away.

I look over my shoulder and I know exactly why; why you broke my heart and made me cry.

Was it my fault?
Is this really how our story is going to end?

Is it going to end with you knocking me to the floor?
The words you said shook me to the core.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

You left a hole in my heart.
There is a, "No Vacancy" sign scratched into the walls.
You didn't set the key under the mat.

Oh, no.

You threw the key at my face,
And broke down my door.
You grabbed all your clothes and pictures; so I will see you no more..

You covered your tracks so well that you disappeared.
But at 11:11 is still wish that you would show up here..

I dream that you come over to me and kiss me like it is fine.
You would then whisper to me,
"Don't worry, baby. I'm back. There is no one else I would want to call mine."

My visions don't end there no,
My mind is too cruel..

I spend whole days with you,
Living in my dream.

Then I'll lay by your side just like we used to.
You take me in your arms; so strong and safe.
But then I wake up.

I wake up,
And I squint up into the sunlight; looking for you.
But it seems that you don't even want me to.

So This Is What It Is Like

My sniffling was only worsening. I could literally count the steps till our journey together would be coming to an end. I just wanted you to know that it had been an amazing three years with you. I couldn't choke out the words because only sobs would begin to escape right up from my heart; tinged with all my memories.

    You kept up the brave face, the one you hold up so well, 

As you walked me towards this life without you.

 Can we just call it Hell?

 I fell apart in your brother's arms, of course it was hard leaving him too.
But who was really doing the leaving?
Me or you?
    
I just looked at you. I couldn't stop. I was trying to take in everything that was you. "Please be careful. Don't do anything stupid." I warned you. But what could I really do?

I remember the last day of school. You wrote me a letter.

The letter summed up our past. 

 I was praying and praying that those days would always last.

And I'm sorry it wasn't everything that you might have hoped it would be.

But these past years have meant everything to me.

It was bringing tears to my eyes thinking that this was the the first signs and steps of having to say our final goodbyes.

We were walking on the beach.

 The tides were rough and raging closer and closer in.
The sands of time were slipping away,

It's sad to think that our last day together was today..

I held your hand in mine. I squeezed hard, like maybe we could become one person and that we could stay together forever.  What could I say? The words just slipped out,

"Please stay."

It was such a hopeless plea.. It was an answer I already knew. She had to leave for her new life a world away. 

The thought of her leaving used to make me angry. I used to hate looking at her. Sometimes I would have to walk away from her and just cry. My crying was heavy and my breathing became rapid. No one would ever understand. No one would understand that she was all I had.

Okay, Okay.

Maybe that statement isn't entirely true.

But why would I care about the rest of the world?

All I needed was you..

I thought about our lives together and separate.

 I will think about you every night.

 Because that is what I did sometimes when I was going to give up the fight..

You looked me in the eyes and said, "Baby girl, you will be fine." I know that she doesn't expect me to be fine in just one day. That would be impossible. This healing will take time. 

I dragged my feet in the sand, stumbling here-and-there. I slowed my pace. I didn't want this to be over.

"Remember what I told you I wanted before you left?" 

She paused and pondered. But did she already know? 

"No, I don't think I do."

I told her to forget it,

And added, "Never mind."

  But that had been the only thing on my mind for quite some time.

"Remember what I wanted?"

But I already knew.

"I want a kiss from you."

I told her that I remembered. But I wasn't so sure. Would this change anything between us? I would hate to mess a good thing up. I didn't want you to leave; leaving me heartbroken.

We walked on. You told me that usually these kinds of kisses happened in the water where the ocean meets the shore. I told you that I wasn't much of a romantic. You said you weren't really one either. The truth is that I am a hopeless romantic most of the time. But you aren't just anyone; you are special.   

What will I say when you are gone away...?

I'll say I loved your soul,

And in my heart that is where you will stay. 

Will you say to them that you loved me too..?

Was it all just pretend..

Even when you said, "I do."?

I asked you if we would still be, "Best friends forever." It wasn't really asking. I was just choking out the words; unsure if this little whimper of a voice was me. You were so sure of the answer to every question I asked.

I told you to kiss me.

Can this be Destiny?

This is the girl I once knew?

This can't be the same girl who saved me; the me without a clue.

You gave me a kiss.

But did you say goodbye?

I know I will see you soon,

This is but a wrinkle in time.

No. I can't remember where I put my hands or if people were staring at us disapprovingly. But that means it was a good kiss.

 

I have this theory. If you can remember every little detail about your kiss, it must not have been very good. 

The second she kissed me,

Chills went down my spin.

But that is OK,

Because in that moment you were mine.

She was mine. She wasn't with anyone else. I didn't have to turn away awkwardly as she kissed some boy who's name I didn't know.  I didn't have to watch her heart break a million times. I just hope I am not the reason she will go home and cry. 

I really can't describe it. I would do anything to have that kiss again a hundred times over.

You looked me one last time; straight in the eyes.

All the colors of the world dancing,

As I let out a sigh.

We were down to our final steps;

 Sand turning to broken pavement. 

It was just like our journey together. 

Not everything had gone smooth.

But it was like you were sending me off with just my bare feet and bag filled with memories.  

To a life I would have to live without you..

You pulled me in for one last hug and asked, for one more kiss. But one kiss was all I would need. Because the first kiss was just perfect for me. 

I looked back to find you..

I wanted to run back into your arms. 

But I knew I would never make it.

Besides, I didn't want my fresh tears to raise any alarms.

I walked in the parking lots. 

I crossed a few streets. 

What happens now?

 I feel like my life is not complete.

I wonder what I might have looked like to the surfing hopefuls passing me by.. What did the cafe goers think of me? 

Did they think some boy left me broken? 

Why was I all alone? 

 Why did my words when I answered, 

"I'm okay," sound so monotone?

And I sat alone with my thoughts. 

I wiped my tears; stared at my phone.

I silently whispered, "Thank you," for all the kindness you had shown. 

I always thought our story had no end..

"So this is what it is like to lose a best friend."