Coastal Highways

I have a team.

I have a family.

I have more than just a family.

I have a tennis family. 

My road to self discovery began on coastal highways.

We are a family,

We win together; we lose together. 

We cry together, we sit up all night in hotels together.

We talk about life, and boys.

Which boyfriends that we hate...

Which ones are aceptable to date.

What teacher gives out the most homework.

These people make my life better.

We have all grown up together.

From the time we were old enough, we have hit the tennis court.

Slowly..One by one beginning to form a bond.

I was the one of the last ones in, the youngest.

I had to make my mark.

I had to show that I was worth it, like I had a right to be with these people.

But I always felt like I belonged. 

I do belong.

I have injuries.

Two bad knees,

And a recent injury to my ankle.

After matches, we would travel down the coastal highways.

We would go thru cities; some very shady.

I'd have two sore, SORE knees wrapped up in heating packs, knee braces, and I'd be loaded up on asprin.

There I was..

Seven people to a car, and there I was.

I always took the back seat, far right corner.

I would snuggle inbetween the coolness of the window,

And the body warmth of my teammates; all wrapped in blankets.

If we had to leave in the morning, we would meet at a donut shop,

And start the day off with pillow pet under arm, Uggs on our feet, and Blenders in hand.

Freshman and I felt like I belonged.

That's a family..

We would always drive down the coast line to get home after a match, just at sunset,

Frozen yogurt in hand; singing to whatever was on the radio, or whatever CD we had burned for the trip.

I got in some serious trouble,

Three months.

No phone, no going out, no boyfriend.

As soon as the match was over...

As soon as my dad (coach too) was out of sight...

One of the captains would slip me her phone.

But what I will never forget...

I promise you...

I'll never forget this..

We would go down the same strip of coastal highways after every match; just around sunset. 

Everyone would set their phone to camera..

And take a picture of the ocean.

Flip through our phones, you'll see the pictures of the many sunsets.

And you'll see the silhouettes of the people who made everyone of them so special.

Driving down those coastal highways..

Endless Summer

I can't remember much.

Blakely left two years ago. He was short.

And he was feisty.

But he had such a positive outlook on everything.

It seemed like when things couldn't get any worse; they did.

That didn't defer the smile from his face.

I hear the stories.

You've gotten lost in the snow storms,

I've always had to laugh and your text messages. 

Forever trying to carve out your place in the ice...

Blakely stayed with us for most of the summer.

He slept on our couch.

..An endless summer.

It could have stayed that way forever.

That summer was waking up to you every morning sprawled out on the couch.

Every morning I'd give you a newspaper to the face to wake you up.

Or sick the dog on you.

What ever mood I was in..

There was work to be done; children to teach tennis,

And a pink box filled with donuts, waiting to be eaten.

Everyday I'd put on a skirt,

A size-to-big T-shirt and throw my hair up.

It takes a real man to appreciate the beauty of a tennis player.

That is all our lives were:

Tennis, swimming, friends, and lunches at the beat up burger place a block away from the courts.

That summer should have lasted forever...

You were always so nice.

Blakely always had something to say about everything.

He was like my brother;

Just a year older than me.

He gave me a concussion.

We were having a yard sale.

Everything that was lay out in front of us all looked pretty worthless...

Except for the stories we put out on the table.

There was me and you,

And a not very sturdy clothing rack.

I can't remember how you gave me a concussion. 

I only remember the stories we told about first loves, sadness and our lives.

But we all know you had to leave.

You left us..

You left behind the beach and the tennis.

You left your school, our couch, and our lives; if not only for a moment.

That summer should have lasted forever..

 

At Least You've Got Your Eyes Closed..

Things get scary.

Lives are forever changed by the wrong doings of others.

People are hurting others; and you just let them.

People are hurting and you need to know it.

I'm getting hurt, I'm being shoved.

 

But, Hey. 

At least you've got your eyes closed.

People are walking by you, and it might just be the last time you ever see them.

I did a test once..

You've probably heard of that guy who commit suicide.

One day a man jumped off the Golden Gate bridge.

 When the police went searching through his house afterward, they found a note. 

It read:

"Today I will walk to the bridge. If anyone smiles at me, I won't jump."

I did a test.

I walked through the halls of school.

I did not talk, I simply walked.

No one smiled at me...

What happens now?

What happens to that kid who actually will go through with it?

I make it a point to smile at everyone I see now.

But this doesn't relate to you right?

Of course not.

You've got your eyes closed.  

A girl has beauty, 

In almost every girl I've found it.

Almost every girl.

I can't find it in me.

But don't we all feel that way?

Sometimes we look in the mirror, and can't find it.

Oh that's right,

We've got our eyes closed.

I love music.

Since I was 4 my dad would play his guitar, and I would sing along.

Sometimes I would fight him asking me to come sit down on the couch with him...

I'd perch myself on the arm rest like his canary; echoing the words he would sing to me. 

Cat Stevens, The Eagles, Simon and Garfunkle.

I grew up on them all.

This is how a childhood should be.

I chased butterflies with a net that had a hole in it..

Everything always escaped; like childhood innocence. 

You don't see it disappear.

Kids are having to grow up too fast to raise the younger. 

My mom teaches kindergarten; she buys crackers.

Not everyone on that playground would have a full tummy if it weren't for my mum.. 

I don't remember that part of my childhood... Do you?

It breaks my heart when I see the same child I just gave 4 peanut butter crackers to,

 Have to turn around and divide it in half for his sister a classroom down..

 

But, Hey. 

At least you've got your eyes closed.

Do You Believe In Happy Endings?

"Do you believe in happy endings?"

I sent this text to 13 people.

4 people thought I was going suicidal.

2 people asked if I was hurting myself.

1 person said no.

4 people said yes.

2 people said maybe.

 1 person didn't understand my question.

Do you believe in happy endings?

I do. I don't. 

I can fight for both sides.

I don't.

What has given me reason to believe in happy endings?

In relationships, people get hurt.

In life, people get hurt.

I've seen enough. 

I've seen enough to know that not everything ends up OK.

I've seen people die of cancer...

It hurt.

I still cry over it.

Do you believe in happy endings?

No.

How can you call divorce a happy ending?

How can you call the boy who meant everything to you;  walking out of your life;

A happy ending?

How can you call losing your baby girl as a still birth a happy ending?

I can't..

Don't ask me to.

Do you believe in happy endings?

Yes.

I believe in God. 

So nothing really ends..

Rainbows have happy endings; laced with gold.

Anything can end happy,

Like someone who comes in last place in a race, can still be the one with the biggest smile on their face.

Poetic.

I believe in happy endings.

Like how in books,

The boy always gets the girl.

Cinderella ends up with her prince,

And no one cries.

No one hurts..

I wish my life was like a story book.

You may have to go threw hell,

But yes; you will find your happy ending.

Do you believe in happy endings?

A Game I Will Never Win

People just spend their days, sitting and killing.
So desensitized.
I used to think, "There is no way this makes sense."
Killing zombies.
But there they are,
Sitting cross legged and playing Xbox.
Somethings are just meaningless.
The truth is, this just helps people not to feel.
Some people do this in life.
They never feel.
They spend all their life trying not to feel anything.
But everyone feels.
There is just something that happens to someone..
Something that makes them change inside; makes them want to feel nothing.

The beginning gamer: jumps, winces at the sight of their first kill, and squirms as they play.
Spectators laugh. But they don't know.
 They have never had to kill.

Eventually, the more and more the gamer plays, the less they feel.
The less connected they are.
Sometimes this happens in life too.
You have felt too much pain; seen too much life.
You feel like life is a movie and your just seeing it all unfold through someone's eyes, not your own.

There is nothing you can do but let your life slip away.
You feel as if your heart has become desensitize to love.
You feel as if your hands have become desensitized to touch.
Your eyes have become desensitized to the feeling of tears falling down your face,
They mean absolutely nothing.
It is all so unnecessary, just like playing a video game.
A game I will never win.

We Won't Come Back; The World Is Calling Out

Adults say the teenage years are the hardest.
The hardest to parent,
The hardest to teach,
The hardest to control.

They say that it is always easier after the teenage years.
The self help books; You know all the bull that first time parents read?
Those books say that we will mature...
And grow into "Fine young ladies and gentlemen."

Woo.

But they never tell you why.
Personally, I've skimmed these books.
Just to see what kind of nonsense is out there..

Here is my theory.

You go off to college when your 18.
Your still a teenager.
You've fought all the wars against your parents.
Or maybe your in the heat of battle.
But, your gone.

We won't come back; the world is calling out.

I can't wait for college.
I can't wait to come home to a hotdog and cheesy egg breakfast.
I can't wait to be the "favorite."
I can't wait till the day that someone is happy to see me walk threw my front door.
I hate being the reason that my family dreads hearing the doorknob turn.
All the problems that we ever had will be left behind us...
Because when time is so limited, you pick your battles and there better be good reason for them.

Durring your 18 years at home,
Tucked away from the world all snug and such...
There is much to fight about.
You can see marraiges fall apart,
You can get a back hand every once-in-awhile.
You can hear your siblings sneaking out their window..
But when your gone, you'll never know.

One of the downsides of leaving is that,
You can no longer protect.
And if you have younger siblings, you know what I'm talking about.
You're the comforter, the one who takes the hardest blow.
You're the one who gets in between your younger sibling and
The darkness...
The monster under the bed...
The bullies..
But one day when you are gone,
You can only lye in bed and hope.
Hope that you raised them well enough to fight on their own.

We won't come back; the world is calling out. 

A Kiss, Double Slides, and You as My World

 I have a boyfriend.
He is my world.
And what the hell is wrong with that?
Absolutely nothing.

He is down to Earth.
He tells me when to calm down, sit up, shut up, and kiss him.
Don't take what I'm saying wrong.
He is not abusive.
He's my other half, the half with the common sense.

That must make me his other half then, right?
I don't really know. 
I'm the street smart one.

"Keep your head down."
"Don't look at that guy the wrong way."
"Wear the black tie not the blue."

I could write forever.

Because You Can't Put A Price On Happiness

Paint me a picture.

Paint me the days when we would run threw the park,

I would always be scared of losing my sister.

Where would I go if she wasn't by my side?

Paint me a picture.

Paint my memories.

Make me stunning, like I know I am.

Dress me in glitter; make me sparkle.

Give me some heels, and let me dance in Prince Charming's arms.

Paint me a smile,

Paint it on my face.

But when I'm with you I don't need to fake it.

Because I know what we have is real.

Paint me a moment,

A moment in time.

When I fell in love with my best friend. 

Paint me a picture,

It is something I can't even discribe,

Paint the feeling of loneliness in my eyes.

Paint me the horrors.

These horrors I've seen..

Paint the lights,

Fading out of me.

Paint me the happiness.

When I'm listening to my music, there is only me.

I'll wear a little black dress,

I'll make some tea.

Paint my happiness.

 Because you can't put a price on happiness.

The Perks of Being a Wall Flower

The perks of being a wall flower is that you can watch everyone dance without having to put yourself out there.

Out there to trip,

Out there to make a mistake,

Out there to love,

Out there to fall.

No one ever is watching the wall flower, they are only interested in watching center stage.

No teacher expects you to pull straight A's; let alone graduate.

Your family never sets any rules.

"Just don't come to us when your knocked up."

And if they do set rules..

You only retreat farther into your solitude. 

You set your roots deeper, and you reach your petals a little higher to the sky.

Like praying. Hoping one day you'll shatter all the boundaries

And cut threw the hazy fog that you call your life.

The perks of being a wall flower is that no one seems to care. 

And when you do find someone who tries to break into your world, your ready.

Because you have been watching.

You know.

You know what they'll do.

You've seen how they act. You'll be ready.

Ready to build your walls taller...

Ready to throw a punch...

Ready and waiting...

Wall flowers don't have time for surprises.  

Oh, it's all just the perks. 

The perks of being a wall flower.

The perks of being a wall flower is when you finally take center stage...

You'll shock them all.

That is when you will show the world that you are going places; places they can't even imagine.

That is when you show everyone who ever called you,

"Whore"

"Slut"

"Fag"

"Bitch"

The people who told you,

"I wish you never had been born."

That is when you walk on stage and it's like a slap in the face to them all.

You'll say, "Fuck all you bitches. I survived."

That's right.

I survived the hell you all put me through.
How?
All because I was the wall flower.

Oh, the perks of being a wall flower.

Dodge Ball

Everyone is united.

One of the best examples of this is dodge ball.

Dodge ball is the time when everyone has a place.

not everyone can hide on the sidelines. 

Two teams. One goal.

But that is not what I find to be important.

It's that everyone has a purpose.

The athletic ones throw the ball hard and fast; like they are gambling with their own lives.

But with nothing to loose. 

The girls, the ones who usually never lift a finger, find a job to do.

They makes sure no one is cheating. They make sure everyone is following the rules.

Protect each other. That is the biggest rule. 

Stay together, because everything is scarier alone. 

The nerdy, high-school-is-no-place-for-me boys have a purpose.

Guard the bowling pins. Be useful.

Where am I?

Where am I always..?

Watching. Sitting on the sidelines.

But as I watch, everyone is happy, focused. 

There are no differences.

Everyone matters.

That is a nice thought...

Everyone matters.

"It's like getting into another person's mind and realizing that you're not as insane as you thought."

Sometimes there are questions you ask yourself.

"Where is the love?"

"Why is Earth round?"

"When can I give up?"

Give up.

Sometimes I want to go,

To the places only we know.

I need to go away.

Away from these people.

Give me my music; feed my soul.

Give me a place where no one knows me.

Oh, wait.

I'm already there.

Put me somewhere, where everyone knows me.

Everyone smiles back.

I want their hugs.

Oh wait, I had all that.

But you took me away from that.

Thanks..

I want help.

Sitting and Waiting for the Candy Wappers to Fall..

Sitting on the outside,

Watching, Waiting.

Search your backpack, no homework to be done at lunch.

Sitting and watching on the outside of the group.

No one makes the effort, no one is trying to save me.

It makes me remember.

Oh, how easy it is to just...slip..away.

I remember those days.

The days I would look everyone in the eyes one last time and think,

"Your never going to see me again. I won't be coming back."

Scary.

Ready to die,

Terrified to do it.

I think to myself, "I can't let that happen again."

I didn't have a lunch today.

Again.

Nothing in the house to make a decent lunch.

But I guess a microwavable cup of soup is betting than the agitated feeling I get when hungry.

When you don't have food,

It tends to be all you think about.

So I sit on the outside.

And beg for food.

There is a science to begging.

I would know. 

Flip your bangs to the front, not in an attractive looking way either.

The I-just-ran-a-mile kind of look.

Drop your chin,

Make your best puppy face. Don't smile. Just stare them straight in the eyes.

Bingo.

Half a sandwich.

I don't need to work on this. 

As I look back at today, I just did it. Like an autopilot survival mode. 

I say thank you of course.

I'm happy with anything that takes away my needy feeling.

Only rely on others if absolutely necessary. 

I am off to find a friend, I need her homework.

I pick up her lunch bag, and take a quick once over.

Empty wrappers make my heart sink.

I'm sure everyone has felt that feeling at least once.

When all you are craving is waffles, but then you get home,

And the box is empty.

Devastating.

I see that she has fruit snacks, and she tells me "Take 2."

I rip open the bag; I take 4.

She lets me get away with it.

"You took more than two didn't you?"

I give her a weak smile, she nods.

She understands.

 

I go back to the classroom I spent most of my lunch in,

Sitting quietly, doing my Spanish.

(I managed  to score a chocolate milk on the way back.)

When it is finished I look up. No one has acknowledged my presence.

I take out a book and read.

In the book, the girl made a mistake.

She needs to take a chance.

I stop and think to myself, "Take a chance."

I pull out my phone and send a quick text.

What have I got to lose?

I leave the book on the table, a nice crease in the page to mark my spot.

Maybe this could be the start of something.

I walk into the classroom next door,

I panic. I hate uncertainty. 

The room is a bit too cool for my liking.

Like an igloo. 

Hey Jude is being played on someones guitar.

It doesn't sound half bad.

I walk out.

It may have been less than two minutes I sat on the counter returning to my reading.

But then I hear a whisper.

"Don't slip away."

I do not know if that girl took the risk,

Got the boy,

Or fell in love with him.

I'm thinking they lived happily ever after.

But you never know.

What I think matters is that,

I took the chance.

I went back.

 

Shatter the Mirrors

There were times,

Times when I go days without looking in a mirror.

If I caught a glimpse of myself, I would run to the diet pills, or reach for the make-up and think,

"I can't do this anymore."

There were times,

When I would shatter the mirror.

There were times, when I would wonder,

Why isn't anyone here?

I could see the scale numbers dropping,

Calorie intake decreasing,

And my ribs appearing.

But that is just a piece of me,

A piece to my broken mirror.

Baby, let me sleep through the static. 

I've always wanted to be a dancer,

They are so graceful. 

So alive. 

I've never had the chance.

So, I dance to my own beat,

I have the best sense of rhythm on the planet,

But was cursed with balancing problems from early on in my life. 

I'll jump, point my toes and smile to myself.

I can be leaping through the halls,

Or a professional dancer on a tour-De-dance.

I'm the happiest person alive.

These are just pieces,

Pieces to my broken mirror.

Shatter the mirrors in your life,

Because one day, you'll be sitting there,

Trying to look deep inside you wondering,

Are you still there?

Your Life Song Is Just Beginning

"Our whispers turn to shouting,

Our shouting turns to tears,

Our tears turn into laughter,

Which then takes away our fears."

- Second Hand Serenade 

There are nights like tonight, where I thank God for what I have & who he has given me,

How lucky can I be?

Boyfriends.

There are nights like tonight while I watch the stars in my boyfriends arms and just give into the world and all its beauty.

I feel the warmth of his skin as I lay on his chest,

His scent is a mix of Old Spice and chlorine.

He's usually warm, as you would imagine only Jacob from Twilight is,

But tonight he is cold, fresh out of the pool.

Ripped college sweatshirt,

Sweatpants and a sniffle nose to match.

I don't need anyone in the world right now but him.

And it feels wonderful as I give myself up to sleep.  

My baby boy.

My baby is a fatty,

His is 15 pounds; paws and all.

His name is Juju Bee,

He is my world and I think I can say the same for him.

Such a sweetheart.

So protective; a big dog in a hotdog's packaging. 

My baby snores,

And whines,

And ruined three pairs of amazing shoes..

But he's not family if he doesn't stress you out, right?

The look in his big brown eyes says it all.

I love you.

And I love him too.

If you so much as raise your voice at him,

He acts as if you just whipped him a thousand times.

I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Little brothers.

All the awkward little hugs I give him, whether playful or honest,

They mean everything.

One day he'll be all grown up, hansom as ever.

                                                     It's nights like these I will always remember.

"Can I have ice cream?"

"Hm..You'll have to give me a kiss."

"Really?"

"Yes."

He kisses my cheek and off he goes.

A healthy little boy, with ten perfect toes.

He brings tears to my eyes.

How can I take any of this for granted?

I dance with my little brother in my Xbox pajamas to all my favorite songs. 

Darling, slow down.

Don't dance to fast, 

Your life song is just beginning. 

The Places You Come To Fear

The places that you come to fear, may not even exist anymore.

You'll drive by an empty lot, old and worn down, but everything comes back to you.

Whispers in your memory.

The places you begin to fear,

Creep slowly into your mind.

You can be sitting in a classroom,

On a bench,

Or in a store.

I'm my own worst enemy,

This is the calm before the storm.

I'm just living in all my memories.

So now you become afraid of the dark, it twists your mind.

The clicking of the keyboard becomes fainter. Don't remember. Don't remember.

Everyday becomes a struggle like living in a therapy session.

Talk yourself  through everyday,

You try and convince yourself; try and convince yourself that no one is going to hurt you.

All you want to do is get away.

"Darling, walk quicker."

Dare you right down your thoughts?

Write them here and there on pieces of paper?

What if someone sees? 

What if someone reads?

I'm my own worst enemy,

This is the calm before the storm.

Have you ever woken up to the whispers?

Have you ever scrubbed your skin raw?

You can still feel those hands touching you, huh?

So.... I'm not alone.

The places you come to fear,

May be gone,

But you start to associate things with that place.

 A specific person,

A certain food,

A certain smell that will make you throw up.

You'll begin to see a man a block away from you and you automatically walk the other way.

Your scared... 

Aren't you?

All I ever wanted...

All I ever wanted was someone to just listen.

How numb do you want to be, Baby?

How far will you go to get out of your nightmare?

How thick will that smoke become?

How deep will you dive?

How will you ever survive?

I'm my own worst enemy,

This is just the calm before the storm.

There Is This Angel... She Doesn't Wear Any Wings.

There is a bus stop,

Where you get on and you can ride for hours; endless circles in my soul.

You can ride around and people watch while the air conditioning keeps you a bit too cool for your liking. 

There is a girl who never got to say thank you.

"Thank you for taking me away from the abuse."

There is a soup kitchen, 

Where if you go long enough, they learn your name.

"Come here doll, eat something."

There is a man who never got to say thank you.

"Thank you for not letting me starve." 

There is a store,

On the corner of nowhere.

Where you walk in and they automatically ring you up with  $.97 because they know you so well,

They know you won't leave without chocolate.

They know you have a sweet tooth.

There is a girl who never got to say thank you to the clerk before he died.

"Thank you for making me feel important."

There is a man,

Who ever time you see him, he smiles at you.

He gives you a very soft, strongly Spanish accented, "Hi."

There is a graduate who never said thank you.

"Thank you for making my days a little brighter."

There is a middle-aged couple,

Who took in a pregnant girl, who had no one else in the world.

She had nowhere else to turn to.

There is this girl...

Who all she want is to say thank you.

"Thank you for saving my baby from living on the street."

There is a place, a hole-in-the-wall hair salon,

That helped a boy find his identity.

They helped him dye his hair purple, and he has never felt better about himself.

There is this boy...And his smile said it all.

"Thank you for letting me be ME."

There is this sister; too young to understand their situation...
To naive to see the tears in the brother's eyes when he says,
"You can have cup of soup or a microwave pizza for dinner tonight."
He's trying for her. Trying to give her the best.
There is this sister who was to young to say, thank you.

"Thank you for being my brother."

What Makes Me Beautiful

Most people say that you can just be you and be beautiful.

You know? The whole no make up and hair tied thing?

Well, that's all good and fine if you think that.

What makes me beautiful?

When I stand in front of my mirror and add my eyeliner in smooth strokes,

When I add my eyeshadow I feel so glamorous. 

 Ever since I was little it was nice.

I would add too many sparkles here-and-there. 

But now, in delicate strokes I add shimmer to my face; sparingly. 

When I add my lip stick, I can be anyone else in the world.

But in that moment, I can't think of anything better than being me.

No, I'm not the best at putting on make up.

I was never taught.

I was never taught how to put my hair into a pony tail.

I was never taught how to braid.

I still can't braid.

I think that is why I love it when people grab my hair and start braiding.

It means something to me, a lot actually.

My boyfriend braids my hair.

I'll just lay back and relax.

It means as much to me as a kiss.

It is special because he knows why it means so much.

So when I hear people say, "Awe you are so pretty without your make up!"

That's fine.

But when someone says that people are

 "Fake" 

"Ugly underneath all that make up"

"Self-conscious"

"Not as strong as people who don't wear it."

That's not OK, because that's what makes me beautiful. 
That's what makes me feel beautiful.

Listen

What is worth your time to listen to?

Think about it.

Keep thinking.

Is it not worth your time to call your aunt who lives 50,000 miles away from you?

Is it not worth it to listen to your grandpa's stories?

Is it not worth your time to hold your friend while she cries her heart out?

Think about it.

Because one day, your aunt will give up trying,

Your grandpa will pass on,

And the friend you weren't there for won't be around anymore,

Why?

Because she took her life...

I'm sorry.

 Is that too much for you?

It's the TRUTH.

And if you don't believe the truth, it's a possibility isn't it?

It is.

So what is worth your time to hear?

If you are awoken by the rain pouring down in the rain,

Do you go back to sleep?

Or do you listen?

Do you walk out side and sit down in it?

Do you sing in the rain?

Do you sing your freaking heart out?

Do you have boy bands blasting from your ipod?

Or do you have the righteousness of God's word pouring into your ears; into your soul?

Honestly, most of the worship songs are a little hard to take. 

I like some of it though.

What is currently on my ipod you ask?

Some of my favorites:

Jason Mraz - I won't give up

Safe and Sound, Ordinary Girl, So High  - Rebellution

The Cave, Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons

I'm down for anything by Jack Johnson

I also have Martin Luther King Jr.'s - "I Have a Dream" speech.

Where is the Godly music you ask?

I'm not lying to ya'll.

I have it, just not my favorites.

What is worth your time to listen to?

Do you stop to listen to the two college kids on the street with their guitars?

Do you give them some money into the hat by their feet?

They could be the next best thing.

Respect the music, throw a dollar in next time.

Do you listen to the car keys soft jingle? Do you ever stop to think about it?

It's so beautiful. 

Do you listen to a baby's laugh?

It's magical.

Do  you ever listen to the coffee in the morning being made?

It's hypnotic.

What matters?

What matters the most to you?

Comment.

I'd love to know. 

Animal Shelter

Keep your heart beat steady.

Keep your your workers ready,

ready to put your walls up.

Stay two steps ahead, girl you should know better.

The first time I fell asleep in my boyfriends arms, I woke up completely on the defense.

I snapped at him, asking why he didn't wake me up.

His gaze wavered as if he was hurt by my words.

"I don't know. You seemed to enjoying your dream."

"Today is four months with you!"

When he said this I just looked at him. I'm in a relationship for the long haul.

Four months is nothing.

I find myself to be like a dog. I'm a very loyal companion.

But just like a dog, I don't understand why people choose to hurt me.

Why do they leave?

Couldn't they see I loved them?

I enjoyed their companionship.

So, I can take things one of two ways. 

I can lay down, roll over, and shake the abuse off,

and come back twice as forgiving and loving.

Or I could keep it mentally noted,
always on my guard, a low growl creeping up in the back of my throat,
ready. Ready for anyone to raise their hand to smack me.  

I pick number two.

Dream Catcher

I lay in bed not more than five minutes ago,

staring at my dream catcher.

Dream catcher, dream catcher, save me from tomorrow.

Jesus was like a dream catcher,

His word is so simple, and we believe that it protects us from all our fears.

True?

True.

When I was a little girl I would stare at my dream catcher, count all the "bad dream" beads, and go to sleep.

In the morning I would wake up and count the beads,

 but I could never remember the number the night before.

And so it started over-and-over every night.

Everything is beautiful.

Like the way a baby laughs,

or a fire burns.

Memorizing. 

I wonder if Jesus had smooth feet.

When he carried me in the sands, when I saw only one pair of footprints,

Were his feet rough? Burdened? Untouched and Holy?

Dream catcher, dream catcher, save me from tomorrow.

That is what I always told myself before I went to bed.

Jesus, in a way is like my dream catcher.

He takes me in his arms and takes away the bad in an instant, 

I feel safe, I am somehow reassured that things will be ok.

Jesus,

Will you be my dream catcher?

Window Pane Promises

I've moved six times. 

But, I've never had anything new.

Each house, someone has loved before, or hated before.

I always feel like I'm intruding, never making each house my own.

I learned not to from a young age.

Each house had its quirks. 

One house, had only two bed rooms a tiny kitchen, and a tiny back yard.

It was a condo, complete with a best friend and a cat that we named "Gato."

The condo's came with a pool.

 And Kirsten was fearless; A year older than my sister and four years older than me.

She was a typical tomboy. Our age difference wasn't felt, we were all young.

I wonder what her perspective on me was.

Our next  house came with its own jungle. 

It was dirt and weeds. It had stairs and a chandler right above it.

It was in a nice little cul-de-sac. 

It was right across from the park, again we made a friend.

His name, was Nate*. 

He lived diagonal from us. 

We would sit on each others porches and play Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.

He was nice to us; same age as me.

He's troubled now. Last I heard, he grows/sells/ and smokes weed.

I still see him once in awhile, but I know he still remembers.

One house, had awkard windows that showed anyone walking upstairs,

we tried to cover it with trees and Chinese fold out walls.  

The house we are at now. Is the "quirkiest of all."

The previous owner died of old age. God be with him.

It was the first house we actually owned.

Our toilet and bathtub are pink, (we had to paint the walls pink to match.)

 The kitchen must be a million years old. Even though the house was built in the 30's/

Our heater didn't work in the middle of winter, and it makes me sneeze. 

The kitchen sink fell off. So, you have to be careful.

Sometimes, we would stick an orange on it to turn the water on.

Our back yard is a mess. The gates are shut with bungee cords. 

The plumbing doesn't always work. That sentence is an understatement. 

This was  the first house in awhile that made me feel hopeful. Hopeful that we could make it last,

through anything. 

We painted and fixed.

My wall is half blue and half violet. My name is sloppily written in white as if to claim my territory.

Now, once again, we are moving. 

I hope it is a new house. We are simply renting this time.

There is something about walking into a new house, even if it is just being shown to you.

It's like you could write your own story.

The first everything.

It makes me feel like I can be anything.

It makes me feel like I can have a perfect "Barbie" life.

 I've always been one for glamour.

In my house, when we first were being showed the house,

there was this green trim around the blinds.

We said we would get rid of that.

But now I realize, we will never get to do that.

It's all just window pane promises. 

Things you hoped for yourself; for your family. It's just all kinda gone.

 Until you walk into your next house. House number 7.

And then you can feel all the hope and possibility deep down all the way into your soul.

You'll feel it until one day you realize that once again, you will have to pack up and jump ship.

Who knows? Maybe number seven will be lucky.

 

I Just Can't Wait to Be Queen

It's funny how time changes everything.

Everything is invalid.

I had it all, awesome friends, pretty, happiness.  

I lost it all, when everything was just kinda swept out from under my feet. 

I found it. 

Dear reader, if only you could see it in my head.

I see the happiness.

Truely happy, belonging.

I think what makes me happy is belonging.

But you must understand,

I don't belong.

It's a sad thing to say to yourself.

I've had this realization many times, but each time I try and prove it wrong.

Not anymore.

I'm on the verge of tears.

I can't do this anymore. 

I walk amongst people all day.

So insensitive.

So annoying.

So immature.

Not all of them. 

Some are nice. 

Not everything I hear upsets me, I'm not a pessimist by any means.

But sometimes, I snap.

It's hard to sit threw a health presentation on cutting.

Then the presenter asks the audience to answer the question,

"What is cutting?"

Can you expect me to sit there and accept the answer,

"It's...It's when you put a knife to your artieries or whatever and slice yourself and get blood everywhere and you die! Haha."

Ha. Ha. Your a funny  girl...

Home school.

Not a bad idea.

I could be a doctor by the time I'm 20 I bet. 

Oh yeah, that's right, I'm dumb. 

But at least I would be happy, right?

I wouldn't have to spend lunch in between two bookshelves reading. 

The good thing about reading, you don't have to be you.

You don't have to be anyone.

I have made a decision. World! Listen up!

I'm not going to make connections with anyone.

I'm going to fade out.

I'll have a few friends.

Half of you won't even know my name.

I'm done getting hurt, rejected, picked last.

GUESS WHAT?! It sucks. 

I'm going to do something awesome with my life.

You know what keeps me from walking out of every single class I go into?

You know what keeps my tears back?

You know what keeps me from saying, "F-you teacher!"?

I repeat to myself, "I need this education; I need to get out of here."

Ba-mm. What a life.

My life will be awesome.

I'll have a family,

I'll go to college,

I'll be a good wife,

I'll be a woman of God,

I'll be free.

I can't freaking wait.

Natural High

There is something about walking through life seemingly unseen.

Walking endlessly about, a drifter.

It is a natural high.

If you have never been high, or witnessed someone under the influence, you are fortunate, or unfortunate in a sense.

A high can be described in two ways.

The first: rushing, surging confusion, and out of control-ness.

Number two: a sense of peace, being, yet not being, you don't need to think, yet you may be vulnerable.

Still your content, feeling completely in control, or not. Which ever you prefer. 

And here is what the dictionary has to say:

1. having a great or considerable extent or reach upward or vertically; lofty; tall: a high wall.

 

2.having a specified extent upward: The apple tree is now 20 feet high.

 

3.situated above the ground or some base; elevated: a high platform; a high ledge.

 

4.exceeding the common degree or measure; strong; intense: high speed; high color.

 

5.expensive; costly; dear: The price of food these days is much too high.

 

Not completely off the mark I would say.

 

"Do you love this shit?"

"Are you high right now?"

"Do you ever get nervous?"

 - Drake

 

I think you should know reader, I don't do drugs.

Right now..

I'm walking through life kinda dazed. 

I wrote this in 5th period. It escapes my memory what we did.

Dazed, lost, whatever.

Have you ever been sleeping in the darkness and suddenly your mom flips the lights on?

Did you suddenly become angry? That's not what you wanted, right?

You wanted to stay in the dark, the coolness. 

You wish so much that the contentment filling your soul stay there like how the waves of the ocean trickle into the places between your toes ever so slowly and aw-striking. 

If you leave a tiger out in the sun, trapped, on a boat, and starved for weeks, barely getting by, provoked it with a stick and was bearing the massive canines it possessed at you but you didn't back off, that is how I felt today.

 

Who said I wanted my lights turned on?

 

I am like a deep sea fish.

I am the fish suddenly yanked from the depths of my home, my safety, my high.

 

 

A high is a numbness that over comes you. But atleast you are feeling something.

...Or trying not to.

I used to be wanting someone to notice, practically begging. 

But, no.

Not anymore. I'm content. I'm content with my constant battle.

I'm the tiger that  leaps into the depths of the unknown ocean.

Trying not to drown. 

 

But, in between your terror of drowning and accepting the fact you may not survive..

you learn to swim. 

 

It's going to be a good life, You & Me.

One of the best feelings ever is waking up to your boyfriend kissing your cheek and saying,

"Baby, wake up. It's your birthday!" While he puts balloons beside you.

On of the best feelings is when he pulls your hair back and braids it for you...

Because he knows you can't do it yourself.

You fall asleep to the rhythm of his hands moving through your hair on a warm day.

Over...Under...Over...Under.

"I won't give up on us,

God knows were worth it."

If you have never known love, your missing out.

Love can be defined a million ways, I know that.

But do you know what it is like to wake up to a 5 page paragraph about how incredible, beautiful, and amazing he thinks you are?

Do you fall asleep in his sweatshirt, still faintly tinged with his smell?

Old spice.

 Do you know what it is like to be scared half to death, in the hospital?

Your constantly throwing up, and crying but....

you instinctively reach for your necklace he gave you and feel comforted, even just a little, by the fact you know he's there for you.

I wear a key around my neck,

I never take it off.

He gave it to me for my birthday a year ago.

Do you know what it is like to be sick for homecoming, and  he comes over while your sniffling and in your sweatpants?

He dances with you...He lets you dance on his toes to your radio.

Some people say "relationships don't matter this young, you are just stupid and don't know what you guys are doing!"

Can you look me in the eyes and tell me he he doesn't love me?

Can you honestly look me in the eyes and say,

 "Leave him. Walk away and leave him."

Would your boyfriend say, "You cut yourself again and we are done."

Done.

I've been clean. 

What am I without him?

What happens when he was the better part of me?

Would your boyfriend stay with you if you were grounded for 3 months?

Would he call you every night?

When your crying on the end of the receiver feeling so damn guilty about him hanging on to broken ole me

Do you hear,

"Shhh....Shh Babe. We will be OK." ?

Does he get up at 4AM to take you to iHop?

One night, we were sitting on his couch..

He was playing with my rings on my fingers.

 He took one off and said,

"Will you marry me beautiful girl?"

Do you know what it is like to seal it with a kiss?

Do you know what that feels like?

 Do you know what it is like to have a belonging place?

I know my place, right there in his arms. 

Do you know the feeling of getting butterflies right before going out with him?

It has been 1 year, 3months and I get that feeling every time.

You ever had a date night?

"Hello?"

"Hey, go pick out a dress. Meet me out front in 10mins. I'll wear a tie."

You ever been taught to skateboard?

OK, it was an attempt. 

You ever feel your heart break a hundred times?

Every time he is dissapointed in me it hurts.

I try to make it better. 

"I won't give up on us,

even if the skies get rough.

God knows were worth it."

Have you ever been kissed?

Really kissed.

His hand behind your ear, that's my favorite thing.

Have you ever thought that maybe this boy will be your whole world?

Have you ever been dragged to a million action movies?

Have you ever seen a chick flick with him?

You ever tie dyed together?

Have you ever sat and talked about everything? And nothing?

We were on the top of a playground structure,

he was laying on my lap.

We were talking about the Bible.

We have different opinions on almost everything.

I asked, "How did we ever get together? What do we have in common?"

He is serious, and I'm a free thinker. 

 I pulled him backwards down the slide,

Jumped on him, wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him.

How can you tell me not to love him?

How can you tell me he isn't absolutely perfect?

Four months into our relationship, he told me he loved me.

I couldn't say it back.

I'm not stupid. I'm not one of those people who after two days say, "I'm SO IN LOVE WITH HIM!! :D"

God. I hate that. But, who knows? Maybe  it was love at first sight?

Have you ever had a formal dinner together?

Have you ever pained his toes?

Have you ever looked up at the stars from your roof together?

Do you know how amazing that is?

Do you know what it is like to have his family fall in love with you too?

Do you know what it is like when his neighbors know your name?

Do you know how it feels to be in love?

How does it feel when he knows all of your secrets? All of your flaws?

Have you ever been dozing in his arms, while he strokes your hair and hear him say, 

"I'm so in love with you..."

How can you tell me this isn't worth it?

It's going to be a good life..