I Will Feel So Bad To Go

There's a girl somewhere deep inside me.
My life is just one big tragic rerun.
Hurry, don't help.
All of my insecurities are crashing on in. 

What's left to say...
What little is left for you not to do...
All of my suicidal tendencies are poking on through.

Fix me.
Save me.
Don't let me push you away...
But when you push harder, that really doesn't make me want to stay.

I can't do this.
Let's be honest.
I deliver kisses to the kings.

It's a feeling I have..
And I can't really explain why it is there.

But it's pushing me.
Hoping to break me.
What happens now?

You make me mad.
Sad.
I just can't put back all the pieces.

Don't feel bad for me.
I want to go.

12 October, 2012

Today was a good day.
I got home.
Nobody fought,
And there was no sign of anyone's depression.

Today I got invited to a party.
I painted a beautiful picture.
Nobody complained,
And it started to rain.

Today I modeled.
I came home to cupcakes.
Nobody denied my request to order ham pizza for dinner,
And I found a great pair of jeans at the thrift store. 

Today was a good day.
I was happy.

In Remembrance of Me

You better hurry and find me,
You're time is running out soon,
All of these words are suffocating me inside of my room.

Don't get married in white,
You are not all that pure.
I'm turning my back on you; you I no longer adore.

My happiness is fleeting,
I really want to go.
I can't look out to my future without seeing a shadow waiting on my front door.

Don't feel bad for me.
I live in the state of depression,
In a depression,
Where everyone is praying for an end to this recession. 

Give me a chance.
Let me show you my world.
Help me to blossom, like a flower petal beginning to uncurl.

All of these emotions are pouring out of me.
It tears be apart inside because none of you can see.
This is just the saddest part of life:
When nobody remembers that you are alive.

Don't Twist My Thoughts

I miss the days when she didn't wear so much makeup.
I miss the way her face was without drugs, alcohol, and so many boys chasing her.
And all I can see now is an old soul, who would rather not deal with me.

I remember when you would cry.
You didn't believe me.
I always told you that you were beautiful.
Did it take the world's approval for you to finally understand?

A shiver goes down my back; like a sinner newly saved.

My world turns,
Blanketed in darkness.
I wonder what my life was like,
Before I saw the sun.

Here I kneel,
I'm tired and weak,
Though my heart may fail.
My prayers I lay,
Before the Son.

Small in stature,
Feel my might.
My eyes burn with questions,
As bright as the sun.

There's got to be a world;
A world better than this.
My life would be so much better if I had never gone on that date I was debating to miss.

I would like to believe that I am beautiful.
I would like to think that I am not fat,
Or that I am worth it to you to keep our friendship persisting.

I would like to think that I am still the same person even though all my thoughts are twisting.

I promised you.

I'd always be there.

But I think you've forgotten me.

So,

Is it OK if I slip away?

I am that girl.

Would you expect it from me?

I'm, "Nice."

I'm, Sweet."

If you had to pick whose would be empty the next day...

Would it be my seat?

Sentimental Silence

When I ask if you want to play a game the first thing you ask is,

"What are the rules?"

And that makes me sad.

Because no one has ever stopped to ask me that before.

I am undecided on so many things.

How I feel about you.

What you must feel about me.

And every broken and twisted thing in between.

I'm like a radio caught in a tug-of-war of two stations.

I start on a pop station,

But slowly static takes over until country music blares for a few seconds.

It's a cycle that I don't care to break.

I just lay beneath my sheets, 

Lost in my thoughts.

Trying to find something poetic in nothingness;
Debating whether or not I should slam the radio into silence,
Or blast the madness into my ears.

You don't care about anything lately.
So why should that matter?
You don't notice a thing.
The way I look,
The way I act,

The way I am reaching out for a friend; no answers today.

Follow Me Through My Heart

When I was three,
Doctors told my parents that I would be severely handicap in my legs.
They said I wouldn't be able to run.
And I was in love with my cat named, "Gato."

When I was seven,
My best friend's name was Michaela.
I had a crush on a boy named Slade.
And his was the only Valentine I signed with a heart.

When I was ten,
I didn't like peas.
I believed in a Prince Charming,
I loved the darkness,
And I dreamed of going out on a date with Joe Jonas.

When I was twelve,
I started junior high.
I had my first boyfriend.
And I liked to hold his hand.

When I was thirteen,
I met a boy.
He wasn't a very good kisser.
But, I kissed him anyways. 

When I was fourteen,
I got rejected by one boy,
So I hunted for another.
And he was sweet so we dated for a year and four months.

When I was fifteen,
This boy broke my heart.
My best friend moved away,
And my other best friend started dating him.

I am still fifteen.
The boy who was a bad kisser found me again.
He's actually a pretty good kisser now..
So, I'm giving love another chance.

Just Listen

Today I made a mixed tape.
And I called it, "Just Listen."
Because I hate when people judge my music.
I just want them to listen.

I want them to enjoy.
I want them to feel how I feel,
And I want them to try and understand me.
And why I feel the way that these songs make them feel.

Last night I was scared.
And I was mad.
Because everyone was judging a girl named Amanda Todd.

She commit suicide.
And people were being unkind.
I like to keep my mouth shut about these things.
But, I wonder what you'd say if that girl was me.

Would you spin the story to make yourself look good?
Would you look like the victim?
You guys are the people who most likely would be my killers.
But that's OK, right?

My life obviously wasn't worth it to you.

There is this girl.
Her name is Destiny.
And I love her.
I do..

And there is this boy.
His name is Roman.
And I made him this mixed tape.
Because he is my best friend.

And he is probably why I started writing this.

There is this person
The name will not be said.
And you can only imagine what needs to be said between us.
And I hope you get the courage to say all the things you have ever wanted to say to me.

All you really need is thirty seconds.

I'm talking about you.

The bad thoughts left.
But, I didn't really understand why they came back in the first place.
But they did.
And these two were there.

I hated her.
Because she wouldn't believe that I was going to get help.
And maybe things were going to be alright.

I put her on loudspeaker.
And I let her listen to me talk to my mom.

My mum told  me that she loved me.
And she said that everything would be OK.

I felt better.
And I went to bed at around one o'clock in the morning happy.

I woke up.
And it was really beautiful out.
My dad came in.

He told me that he loved me.
And that whenever I was feeling sad,
I should think about the women in my family. 

Earlier this week,
My youth group told me to think about who the smartest person I knew was.
And now I realize,
My dad is a pretty smart cookie.

He brought in food when he came to talk to me.
And while he talked.
I wanted to cry.
Because I knew that I had disappointed him.

But I also knew things were going to get better.

I went to church today.
And I almost started crying.
And while everyone sang,
I kept thinking about how sorry I was.

I told God I was sorry.
And I know God forgave me.
But I kept thinking it.

And I then I started whispering
And I knew God forgave me.
But I kept whispering.

I closed my eyes.
And I held back tears.
And I talked to God.
And I told Him that I was sorry.

And the girl next to me said, "What?"
Like I had been talking to her.
But I shook my head no.

I know He heard me.
And I know it didn't matter how loudly I had said it.
Because everything felt right.

I left church,
And walked to Goodwill.
I listened to music on a borrowed iPod.
And I talked to God.
And I told Him about my day.
And I told Him that I loved Him.

I saw a fish bowl.
And I wanted to buy a fish.
Later that day, I bought two.
I named them Charlie and Sam.

When I got home,
I decided to make lasagna.
And danced around the house to Cheap Trick.

I reminisced about my day.
And I wrote a Facebook status.

My church served us pumpkin pie today.
I sat there watching everyone after service and imagined that we were all one big happy family on Thanksgiving. 
And we were all thankful for Jesus saving us. 
Yeah, that's a nice thought..

Then I went off to play tennis in the dark.
And I was mad.
Because I was content with making sure my lasagna was going to be yummy.
And I wanted to write this.

I pulled my shirt over my head,
Neo was telling me that he would love me.
Until I learned to love myself. 

And I was hoping that I would remember this thought: 

"You're going to have to love me forever then. 
And if I don't like myself, I must not be a very happy person. 
And if I am not very happy, Neo. 
I hope that I find the strength to let you go.
 And be happy.
 Because I sound like a very depressing person to be with."

I came home a few minutes ago.
My lasagna was burned.
And I'm not all that proud of it.
And I wanted to cry.
...Over my lasagna.
But I think that is OK.

And I think someone would understand if they saw me crying.
Because at least I am not bottling it all up inside of me.
Because that would make my heart hurt real bad. 
And I don't want that.

I am about to paint my nails.
I got the polish for 93 cents.
The color is Pink Promenade Creme.
And even though I do not know what, "Promenade" is..
I think it must be beautiful.
Because I think that this color is beautiful.

I want to cry again.
But it's a happy cry.
Because this song makes me really happy.
And I think my lasagna tastes wonderful.
And  I love thinking about the people that I love.

I'd like to think whoever is reading this loves me.
But, I can never be sure.
That's OK.

Because in this moment,
I feel infinite.

sHE BeLIEveD.

The walls are cold.
I am being pressed close.
My heart is strung out;
Freshly wounded.

There is a pang in my heart.
Could it be regret?

My body begs.
Fix me.

Look back at all the mistakes.
I'm ready to make some more.
Let go.

And I fall to the floor.

I see lights,
I feel a slight pain.
I look at my cuts and scoff with such distane. 

I shiver at your touch like a sinner freshly saved.
He is ok,
Because she lied.
I was supposed to be your bride..


You never tried to protect me.
Or maybe you did..
But I think it was only so you would not feel guilty.
I'm teetering here, baby.
 
"He promised.
He lied.
She believed.
She died."

Reality slapped me.
Literally, in the face.
For the blood;
I have a strong distaste. 

I feel no shame.
Because, I'm broken.
I know.
I only wish people would stop telling me which direction to go.

I have no other option,
I slip into the night.
I have no choice,
I can't put up a fight.

..And when all is not said, but surely done,
I look into the distorted mirror and wonder what she is running from.