So This Is What It Is Like

My sniffling was only worsening. I could literally count the steps till our journey together would be coming to an end. I just wanted you to know that it had been an amazing three years with you. I couldn't choke out the words because only sobs would begin to escape right up from my heart; tinged with all my memories.

    You kept up the brave face, the one you hold up so well, 

As you walked me towards this life without you.

 Can we just call it Hell?

 I fell apart in your brother's arms, of course it was hard leaving him too.
But who was really doing the leaving?
Me or you?
    
I just looked at you. I couldn't stop. I was trying to take in everything that was you. "Please be careful. Don't do anything stupid." I warned you. But what could I really do?

I remember the last day of school. You wrote me a letter.

The letter summed up our past. 

 I was praying and praying that those days would always last.

And I'm sorry it wasn't everything that you might have hoped it would be.

But these past years have meant everything to me.

It was bringing tears to my eyes thinking that this was the the first signs and steps of having to say our final goodbyes.

We were walking on the beach.

 The tides were rough and raging closer and closer in.
The sands of time were slipping away,

It's sad to think that our last day together was today..

I held your hand in mine. I squeezed hard, like maybe we could become one person and that we could stay together forever.  What could I say? The words just slipped out,

"Please stay."

It was such a hopeless plea.. It was an answer I already knew. She had to leave for her new life a world away. 

The thought of her leaving used to make me angry. I used to hate looking at her. Sometimes I would have to walk away from her and just cry. My crying was heavy and my breathing became rapid. No one would ever understand. No one would understand that she was all I had.

Okay, Okay.

Maybe that statement isn't entirely true.

But why would I care about the rest of the world?

All I needed was you..

I thought about our lives together and separate.

 I will think about you every night.

 Because that is what I did sometimes when I was going to give up the fight..

You looked me in the eyes and said, "Baby girl, you will be fine." I know that she doesn't expect me to be fine in just one day. That would be impossible. This healing will take time. 

I dragged my feet in the sand, stumbling here-and-there. I slowed my pace. I didn't want this to be over.

"Remember what I told you I wanted before you left?" 

She paused and pondered. But did she already know? 

"No, I don't think I do."

I told her to forget it,

And added, "Never mind."

  But that had been the only thing on my mind for quite some time.

"Remember what I wanted?"

But I already knew.

"I want a kiss from you."

I told her that I remembered. But I wasn't so sure. Would this change anything between us? I would hate to mess a good thing up. I didn't want you to leave; leaving me heartbroken.

We walked on. You told me that usually these kinds of kisses happened in the water where the ocean meets the shore. I told you that I wasn't much of a romantic. You said you weren't really one either. The truth is that I am a hopeless romantic most of the time. But you aren't just anyone; you are special.   

What will I say when you are gone away...?

I'll say I loved your soul,

And in my heart that is where you will stay. 

Will you say to them that you loved me too..?

Was it all just pretend..

Even when you said, "I do."?

I asked you if we would still be, "Best friends forever." It wasn't really asking. I was just choking out the words; unsure if this little whimper of a voice was me. You were so sure of the answer to every question I asked.

I told you to kiss me.

Can this be Destiny?

This is the girl I once knew?

This can't be the same girl who saved me; the me without a clue.

You gave me a kiss.

But did you say goodbye?

I know I will see you soon,

This is but a wrinkle in time.

No. I can't remember where I put my hands or if people were staring at us disapprovingly. But that means it was a good kiss.

 

I have this theory. If you can remember every little detail about your kiss, it must not have been very good. 

The second she kissed me,

Chills went down my spin.

But that is OK,

Because in that moment you were mine.

She was mine. She wasn't with anyone else. I didn't have to turn away awkwardly as she kissed some boy who's name I didn't know.  I didn't have to watch her heart break a million times. I just hope I am not the reason she will go home and cry. 

I really can't describe it. I would do anything to have that kiss again a hundred times over.

You looked me one last time; straight in the eyes.

All the colors of the world dancing,

As I let out a sigh.

We were down to our final steps;

 Sand turning to broken pavement. 

It was just like our journey together. 

Not everything had gone smooth.

But it was like you were sending me off with just my bare feet and bag filled with memories.  

To a life I would have to live without you..

You pulled me in for one last hug and asked, for one more kiss. But one kiss was all I would need. Because the first kiss was just perfect for me. 

I looked back to find you..

I wanted to run back into your arms. 

But I knew I would never make it.

Besides, I didn't want my fresh tears to raise any alarms.

I walked in the parking lots. 

I crossed a few streets. 

What happens now?

 I feel like my life is not complete.

I wonder what I might have looked like to the surfing hopefuls passing me by.. What did the cafe goers think of me? 

Did they think some boy left me broken? 

Why was I all alone? 

 Why did my words when I answered, 

"I'm okay," sound so monotone?

And I sat alone with my thoughts. 

I wiped my tears; stared at my phone.

I silently whispered, "Thank you," for all the kindness you had shown. 

I always thought our story had no end..

"So this is what it is like to lose a best friend."