Just Listen

Today I made a mixed tape.
And I called it, "Just Listen."
Because I hate when people judge my music.
I just want them to listen.

I want them to enjoy.
I want them to feel how I feel,
And I want them to try and understand me.
And why I feel the way that these songs make them feel.

Last night I was scared.
And I was mad.
Because everyone was judging a girl named Amanda Todd.

She commit suicide.
And people were being unkind.
I like to keep my mouth shut about these things.
But, I wonder what you'd say if that girl was me.

Would you spin the story to make yourself look good?
Would you look like the victim?
You guys are the people who most likely would be my killers.
But that's OK, right?

My life obviously wasn't worth it to you.

There is this girl.
Her name is Destiny.
And I love her.
I do..

And there is this boy.
His name is Roman.
And I made him this mixed tape.
Because he is my best friend.

And he is probably why I started writing this.

There is this person
The name will not be said.
And you can only imagine what needs to be said between us.
And I hope you get the courage to say all the things you have ever wanted to say to me.

All you really need is thirty seconds.

I'm talking about you.

The bad thoughts left.
But, I didn't really understand why they came back in the first place.
But they did.
And these two were there.

I hated her.
Because she wouldn't believe that I was going to get help.
And maybe things were going to be alright.

I put her on loudspeaker.
And I let her listen to me talk to my mom.

My mum told  me that she loved me.
And she said that everything would be OK.

I felt better.
And I went to bed at around one o'clock in the morning happy.

I woke up.
And it was really beautiful out.
My dad came in.

He told me that he loved me.
And that whenever I was feeling sad,
I should think about the women in my family. 

Earlier this week,
My youth group told me to think about who the smartest person I knew was.
And now I realize,
My dad is a pretty smart cookie.

He brought in food when he came to talk to me.
And while he talked.
I wanted to cry.
Because I knew that I had disappointed him.

But I also knew things were going to get better.

I went to church today.
And I almost started crying.
And while everyone sang,
I kept thinking about how sorry I was.

I told God I was sorry.
And I know God forgave me.
But I kept thinking it.

And I then I started whispering
And I knew God forgave me.
But I kept whispering.

I closed my eyes.
And I held back tears.
And I talked to God.
And I told Him that I was sorry.

And the girl next to me said, "What?"
Like I had been talking to her.
But I shook my head no.

I know He heard me.
And I know it didn't matter how loudly I had said it.
Because everything felt right.

I left church,
And walked to Goodwill.
I listened to music on a borrowed iPod.
And I talked to God.
And I told Him about my day.
And I told Him that I loved Him.

I saw a fish bowl.
And I wanted to buy a fish.
Later that day, I bought two.
I named them Charlie and Sam.

When I got home,
I decided to make lasagna.
And danced around the house to Cheap Trick.

I reminisced about my day.
And I wrote a Facebook status.

My church served us pumpkin pie today.
I sat there watching everyone after service and imagined that we were all one big happy family on Thanksgiving. 
And we were all thankful for Jesus saving us. 
Yeah, that's a nice thought..

Then I went off to play tennis in the dark.
And I was mad.
Because I was content with making sure my lasagna was going to be yummy.
And I wanted to write this.

I pulled my shirt over my head,
Neo was telling me that he would love me.
Until I learned to love myself. 

And I was hoping that I would remember this thought: 

"You're going to have to love me forever then. 
And if I don't like myself, I must not be a very happy person. 
And if I am not very happy, Neo. 
I hope that I find the strength to let you go.
 And be happy.
 Because I sound like a very depressing person to be with."

I came home a few minutes ago.
My lasagna was burned.
And I'm not all that proud of it.
And I wanted to cry.
...Over my lasagna.
But I think that is OK.

And I think someone would understand if they saw me crying.
Because at least I am not bottling it all up inside of me.
Because that would make my heart hurt real bad. 
And I don't want that.

I am about to paint my nails.
I got the polish for 93 cents.
The color is Pink Promenade Creme.
And even though I do not know what, "Promenade" is..
I think it must be beautiful.
Because I think that this color is beautiful.

I want to cry again.
But it's a happy cry.
Because this song makes me really happy.
And I think my lasagna tastes wonderful.
And  I love thinking about the people that I love.

I'd like to think whoever is reading this loves me.
But, I can never be sure.
That's OK.

Because in this moment,
I feel infinite.