Sentimental Silence

When I ask if you want to play a game the first thing you ask is,

"What are the rules?"

And that makes me sad.

Because no one has ever stopped to ask me that before.

I am undecided on so many things.

How I feel about you.

What you must feel about me.

And every broken and twisted thing in between.

I'm like a radio caught in a tug-of-war of two stations.

I start on a pop station,

But slowly static takes over until country music blares for a few seconds.

It's a cycle that I don't care to break.

I just lay beneath my sheets, 

Lost in my thoughts.

Trying to find something poetic in nothingness;
Debating whether or not I should slam the radio into silence,
Or blast the madness into my ears.

You don't care about anything lately.
So why should that matter?
You don't notice a thing.
The way I look,
The way I act,

The way I am reaching out for a friend; no answers today.

Follow Me Through My Heart

When I was three,
Doctors told my parents that I would be severely handicap in my legs.
They said I wouldn't be able to run.
And I was in love with my cat named, "Gato."

When I was seven,
My best friend's name was Michaela.
I had a crush on a boy named Slade.
And his was the only Valentine I signed with a heart.

When I was ten,
I didn't like peas.
I believed in a Prince Charming,
I loved the darkness,
And I dreamed of going out on a date with Joe Jonas.

When I was twelve,
I started junior high.
I had my first boyfriend.
And I liked to hold his hand.

When I was thirteen,
I met a boy.
He wasn't a very good kisser.
But, I kissed him anyways. 

When I was fourteen,
I got rejected by one boy,
So I hunted for another.
And he was sweet so we dated for a year and four months.

When I was fifteen,
This boy broke my heart.
My best friend moved away,
And my other best friend started dating him.

I am still fifteen.
The boy who was a bad kisser found me again.
He's actually a pretty good kisser now..
So, I'm giving love another chance.

Just Listen

Today I made a mixed tape.
And I called it, "Just Listen."
Because I hate when people judge my music.
I just want them to listen.

I want them to enjoy.
I want them to feel how I feel,
And I want them to try and understand me.
And why I feel the way that these songs make them feel.

Last night I was scared.
And I was mad.
Because everyone was judging a girl named Amanda Todd.

She commit suicide.
And people were being unkind.
I like to keep my mouth shut about these things.
But, I wonder what you'd say if that girl was me.

Would you spin the story to make yourself look good?
Would you look like the victim?
You guys are the people who most likely would be my killers.
But that's OK, right?

My life obviously wasn't worth it to you.

There is this girl.
Her name is Destiny.
And I love her.
I do..

And there is this boy.
His name is Roman.
And I made him this mixed tape.
Because he is my best friend.

And he is probably why I started writing this.

There is this person
The name will not be said.
And you can only imagine what needs to be said between us.
And I hope you get the courage to say all the things you have ever wanted to say to me.

All you really need is thirty seconds.

I'm talking about you.

The bad thoughts left.
But, I didn't really understand why they came back in the first place.
But they did.
And these two were there.

I hated her.
Because she wouldn't believe that I was going to get help.
And maybe things were going to be alright.

I put her on loudspeaker.
And I let her listen to me talk to my mom.

My mum told  me that she loved me.
And she said that everything would be OK.

I felt better.
And I went to bed at around one o'clock in the morning happy.

I woke up.
And it was really beautiful out.
My dad came in.

He told me that he loved me.
And that whenever I was feeling sad,
I should think about the women in my family. 

Earlier this week,
My youth group told me to think about who the smartest person I knew was.
And now I realize,
My dad is a pretty smart cookie.

He brought in food when he came to talk to me.
And while he talked.
I wanted to cry.
Because I knew that I had disappointed him.

But I also knew things were going to get better.

I went to church today.
And I almost started crying.
And while everyone sang,
I kept thinking about how sorry I was.

I told God I was sorry.
And I know God forgave me.
But I kept thinking it.

And I then I started whispering
And I knew God forgave me.
But I kept whispering.

I closed my eyes.
And I held back tears.
And I talked to God.
And I told Him that I was sorry.

And the girl next to me said, "What?"
Like I had been talking to her.
But I shook my head no.

I know He heard me.
And I know it didn't matter how loudly I had said it.
Because everything felt right.

I left church,
And walked to Goodwill.
I listened to music on a borrowed iPod.
And I talked to God.
And I told Him about my day.
And I told Him that I loved Him.

I saw a fish bowl.
And I wanted to buy a fish.
Later that day, I bought two.
I named them Charlie and Sam.

When I got home,
I decided to make lasagna.
And danced around the house to Cheap Trick.

I reminisced about my day.
And I wrote a Facebook status.

My church served us pumpkin pie today.
I sat there watching everyone after service and imagined that we were all one big happy family on Thanksgiving. 
And we were all thankful for Jesus saving us. 
Yeah, that's a nice thought..

Then I went off to play tennis in the dark.
And I was mad.
Because I was content with making sure my lasagna was going to be yummy.
And I wanted to write this.

I pulled my shirt over my head,
Neo was telling me that he would love me.
Until I learned to love myself. 

And I was hoping that I would remember this thought: 

"You're going to have to love me forever then. 
And if I don't like myself, I must not be a very happy person. 
And if I am not very happy, Neo. 
I hope that I find the strength to let you go.
 And be happy.
 Because I sound like a very depressing person to be with."

I came home a few minutes ago.
My lasagna was burned.
And I'm not all that proud of it.
And I wanted to cry.
...Over my lasagna.
But I think that is OK.

And I think someone would understand if they saw me crying.
Because at least I am not bottling it all up inside of me.
Because that would make my heart hurt real bad. 
And I don't want that.

I am about to paint my nails.
I got the polish for 93 cents.
The color is Pink Promenade Creme.
And even though I do not know what, "Promenade" is..
I think it must be beautiful.
Because I think that this color is beautiful.

I want to cry again.
But it's a happy cry.
Because this song makes me really happy.
And I think my lasagna tastes wonderful.
And  I love thinking about the people that I love.

I'd like to think whoever is reading this loves me.
But, I can never be sure.
That's OK.

Because in this moment,
I feel infinite.

sHE BeLIEveD.

The walls are cold.
I am being pressed close.
My heart is strung out;
Freshly wounded.

There is a pang in my heart.
Could it be regret?

My body begs.
Fix me.

Look back at all the mistakes.
I'm ready to make some more.
Let go.

And I fall to the floor.

I see lights,
I feel a slight pain.
I look at my cuts and scoff with such distane. 

I shiver at your touch like a sinner freshly saved.
He is ok,
Because she lied.
I was supposed to be your bride..


You never tried to protect me.
Or maybe you did..
But I think it was only so you would not feel guilty.
I'm teetering here, baby.
 
"He promised.
He lied.
She believed.
She died."

Reality slapped me.
Literally, in the face.
For the blood;
I have a strong distaste. 

I feel no shame.
Because, I'm broken.
I know.
I only wish people would stop telling me which direction to go.

I have no other option,
I slip into the night.
I have no choice,
I can't put up a fight.

..And when all is not said, but surely done,
I look into the distorted mirror and wonder what she is running from.

Fairy Tale

She lives in a fairy tale,

Too far away for us to find.

Anonymously angry towards everyone.

Noise.

Noise will soon be cast to the streets.

So, tonight I will run away,

And find the sister piece of me.

Slowly slipping,

But laughing helps.

Only on the inside,

Because the hole in my heart is at least a mile wide.

Make the world your own.

You can't do that with blood stained hands,

Or tears in your eyes.

I'm an untamed dreamer.

Come and get me.

Changed;

For the nightmares hold me close.

Rise from the ashes.

Here comes a rose.

The only time I feel pretty,

Is when I lay in your arms,

Or pull your sweatshirt over me.

It makes me feel tiny..

It makes me believe...

Or maybe this is all just a fairy tale.

It's taking place in a place far away from you.

You'll never reach me.

The jokes on you..

I don't tell them anything.

(Anymore.)

There's nothing I can really say.

Maybe someday,

You will be the one.

I think the bigger guys are happier.

They are so much better at giving hugs. 

Not a curse,

But I'm reminding myself of all my blessings. 

No need to feel alone..

Not tonight.

Lost and never found.

Tangled up in a fairy tale.

Does it really exist?

Someone please tell me if,

Life gets better than this..

I debate it a lot..

I just want to scream.

I just for once want everyone to stop.

STOP.

And just listen to me!

God sent me a dream,

And in it was you.

I'm holding onto the closure.

Don't you dare say that you ever loved me too.

Sunshine that's broken.

What does that look like to you?

Hopelessly running.

 I woke up this morning,
And my heart was on fire.
I gave myself a tattoo.
It looks just like barbwire.

Fix me.
But when I learn how to breathe again,
I don't want to hear anyone talk.

Hurt comes in waves,
Crashing down on an unsuspecting victim.
Girl.
Trapped.
Never alone forever.

I live in a fairy tale,
It's too far away for you to find.
I'm here, but escaping to the back of my mind.

Fears Vs. Dreams

Hello faithful Blogspot.com followers!
    Wow. This is so much easier than trying to write a poem. Hopefully, there will only be a few poems thrown into this little post. Just for the heck of it, of course. I'm going to try this out. (You know. The whole talk-to-them-don't-give-them-Confucian-metaphor-shit.) So for the thirty of you who read often, and the ones who pop in from time-to-time, I hope you enjoy. The least you can do is, JustListen.

I've been thinking a lot. Fears vs. Dreams.  If you're thinking to yourself, "Gosh! That sounds vaguely familiar," you would be correct. Fears vs. Dreams is a branch of "To Write Love On Her Arms." They aim to remind you that you should never give up on life, and that YOU as an individual are worth loving whether it be by others or just learning to love yourself. It's like...Coming to terms with who you are, but in a positive way. The whole experience is meant to help you grow. Need an example? Ok. Let's start with me.

Fear: Having no one to turn to 

Dream: Love myself

Seems easy enough right? Well, that little bit took me about twenty minutes. I have so many fears and insecurities that it was really hard to choose. I had to think, "Which one would I want to rid myself of most?"

And as for dreams. That one wasn't as tough but, there was a point in my life where I was just like, "Ok. This is it. What is there to look forward to now?" Sometimes I truly did believe there was nothing left for me. But, that is a different story..

To Write Love On Her Arms.

Is that what you preach?

How can you even say that?

You have put so much distance between us,

I'm out of your reach.

Fears vs. Dreams.

 

What happens when my fears come like Hell descending on me?

Are all my dreams just going to drown in smoke?

Which one is the devil?

My fears or my dreams?

Because everything and everyone aren't always what they seem..

Please: STAY ALIVE

There's not much I can do.

I'm only one me.

And I'm not very important to a lot of people,

So that's not helping my case much..

Yeah, that didn't rhyme very well,

But rhymes aren't so important when you are trying to save a life.

I got lost in the dark,

And I couldn't find myself.

Until I found myself wondering, 

"How do I save a life?"

 

How did I answer that question? How could I? I needed to start with me. To Write Love On Her Arms has this new campaign that I am REALLY excited about. Please: STAY ALIVE. Genius right? I've probably said that a hundred times. 

A hundred times.  

That's scary right? I think it is. It scares me that at one point someone I love was ready to give up. 

But why didn't you? 

You had FEARS. 

And guess what else you probably had?

DREAMS.

But if you didn't have either of those, don't get mad at me for it. I'm just blogging. And you are, JustListening.

This month was suicide awareness month. And honestly, I should wear my freaking "LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT" T-Shirt every single day of my life. I really do believe that. Maybe if we just start loving everyone and everything around us, everything will turn out peachy. I don't really know. I do know that we should love ourselves. 

 

I love you. Please: STAY ALIVE.

Love,

          JustListen

 

How To Say Nothing With All Of Your Heart

Bleach blond locks,
Beauty to you is such a wild fantasy.
Whiskey and sleeping pills follow you from the night,
Into the back of your mind the next day.

It wasn't your fault,
He just called the cops first.
Jump town to escape the pain,
It's hard to believe that the victim can also be framed.

Together in the grey of light,
I reach for his fingers; wrapping my tiny hand around just one.
Heartbeat's fast; mine is ever so still.
We lock weary eyes, comfortable with the ominous chill.

Yet another doctor; knowing not what to do.
Collecting loose change to pay my own bills.
Rolling my eyes while nurses hook me up to more machines.
I want to scream.

Tell them to cut the poking and prodding me,
Because I'm through.
My visit to the pearly gates is long overdue. 

My eyes are up here, but please don't look at the bruises.
Fade out, and hope for a better life next time around.
Sometimes you have to let yourself break into a million pieces..
So that you can put yourself back together again.

In cased by freedom; thinking anything is something you can do.
The smoke's not clearing,
It's just turning to tension thick as fog.
Maybe it's because you just stopped caring.

Sometimes in the process of helping everyone,
You need to learn to love yourself too.

As I shout out my fears; sixbillion insecurities,
No one is listening.
I should have known right from the start..
So, I'll just be saying nothing with all of my heart.