And He Told Me We'd Name Her Ireland

I stood by my kitchen sink,
I scrounged through the empty drawers.

I heated up another night's dinner consisting of Top Ramen.  
I prayed, "God, don't let him hit me again. Please. Thank you. Amen."

I remember the days when I believed in love,
But it's alright.
Don't worry.
I'm fine.

I remember laying on the beach,
Two couples kissing in harmony.

I remember the touch of his hands, Dear.
I remember him wanting me.

I asked him, "What if I get pregnant?"
He said,"Don't worry, Baby. It's fine!"
And he told me we'd name her Ireland.

I really thought we had a future,
But it turns out our relationship was just an example of internal destruction of Cupid's architecture. 

He left me alone,
And I thought, "Just let me die here."
There was a baby inside of me.

I sat in the heat of day,
All my options spiraling around in my head.
I knew that I had made my own bed.

He left me for some life; a life that stayed very near.
This life came with a slut named Layla.
Days later, I wore a black veil.

It turns out that's just how our story turned out; a broken fairy tale.

Everything I knew had been turned upside down.
So, I went to go jump of a bridge.
There was a man running in the fog.
But I couldn't see him, because of all the smog.

In the distance I heard, "Don't worry, Baby. It's fine!"
While I felt two arms wrap around me.
I knew, I wanted him to be mine.

He said, "I've always loved the name, Ireland."
And that was good enough for me.

This man, he taught me how to dance.
And I couldn't believe my luck now.

I'd been given another chance.

He wasn't the man of my dreams,
I'll make that very clear.
But if I wished it to be so; I wished very hard,
It was as if life had dealt me all the right cards.

When the times get rough,
I close my eyes and think.
I think about my future.
And I think of my unborn baby girl.

Ireland is the place that I have always wanted to be at.
I want to admire all the gingerly hair.
I will run with the dogs that hunt wolves. 

The gentle man told me to keep my head up.
While he sang me down to sleep.
I thought I'd never see the day.

So...

I'll name my baby Ireland.
That way I'll be able to see the land of a thousand welcomes everyday.
I'll greet my infant with joy.

The lad reassured my fears that everything I thought I knew was wrong.
But he said,"Baby please try and see, that I'm going to try my best for you and me."
I needed to be Wych Elk tree strong.

I prayed to God.
He communicated to me that we will one day move into the highlands.

I don't think about him much these days
Because he doesn't mean a thing anymore.

That name sounds so beautiful.

It's funny how I once imagined him to be my future husband.
It was on that night when I slept on his chest; when I held his hand in my hand.

And he told me we'd name her Ireland.

Midsummer Night's Dream

Grass under my bare feet,
Two brothers and a sister by my side.
I look past the holes in the backyard fence,
Knowing that not far away is the boy and girl that made me the victim of their love's hit-and-run.

A hammock swings, occupied.
Every exhale is noticeably tinged with the smells of beer.
But it is my older sister who is glowing.
It is a comfort to her knowing we are here.

Walking inside,
The cake has been neatly dissected with only a few flipped over casualties;
Those pieces are simply left unclaimed and rejected.
Champlain is being poured as the young couple smiles.
The rest of the family and I pour a glass, getting a nice buzz on for awhile. 

We stand in the corner of the kitchen;
Politely shaking hands with the men and woman who claim to know us.
We reminisce; laughing a great deal.

Our stomachs mumble as strength leaves us.
Everyone is leaving.
The busy mother of the bride wraps up to go bags for those who depart early.
The father of the bride is nowhere in sight.

Glass shatters; an heirloom is broken.
Fortunately, my oldest brother puts himself out there for me, taking the blame.
Beer cans drop on the floor,
And it is laughs all around.
How very little there is to worry about.  

I've never liked lasagna.
Until I ate it in the dark.

There is a very high possibility that I will never love a lasagna as much as I loved that one.

All other guests have finally cleared out.
Leaving just a jumpy mother and the rest of my siblings.
I came to terms along time ago that this man would one day become my brother.

The backyard is lit with dangling lights.
Candles illuminate the tables.
We eat in the darkness; but not in silence.  

Pandora takes the role of entertainment.
It is an endless cycle of the songs I grew up with.
Jackets and coats engulfed all of us,
While I caught the table on fire.

The croaking of frogs make us feel like we are in a different time and place,
Occasionally knocking back another cold one,
We would tell another story.
I'd give anything to have stayed forever, in that moment.
Everything was perfect.

It was a midsummer night's dream.

Notes To God

If I could pass notes to God,
Oh, what would I say?

Would He write back telling me to get my shit together?
Would He say to go out and find another way?

Does He know how much I'm hurting?
Can He see my tears that I'm crying?
God...
Is the Bible lying?

Why aren't You here?
I'm doubting everything.
I'm even doubting You.

Lord, please tell me that You are going to come through..

Do You love my honesty?
I want to shriek, " GOD HELP ME!"
I need You to clear up such a large cloud of confusion that has been surrounding me.

I pass notes to God,
They come in the form of prayer.
It would help me if you would write me back.
Check YES or NO if You are there.

What's Your plan for me?
I don't know which way to turn.
So, I am going to run to You.
Do you need me too?

What would He say to a poor girl like me?
I'm falling down on my knees for judgment.
I want to spend the rest of eternity with You.

I'm writing a note to God.
But all that I can force out is,
"God, I miss You."

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

I'm leaving.
Just trying to find a way out of here.
Don't know which way to go.
But I'm leaving on a jet plane.

Smile for me.
There's a fresh pot of coffee brewing.
When the coffee's cold,
I'll already be gone.

I'll hit the road.
You hit the books.
And maybe we will see each other again one day.

Hold down the fort,
While I go out and find a better version of me.
Thank you for being so understanding.
But I'm leaving on a jet plane.

Close your eyes,
And search your heart for me.
I'll never be farther than a phone call away.

Let me go.
And babe, please be happy.
Why me?

I'll be back again someday.
But don't hold your breath.
I've had enough promises for a life time.
I know what it is like to have backs turned, and doors shut in my time of need.

I'm leaving on a jet plane.
Not sure which way to go.
You'll have to guess,
Just like in a traveler's game of Russian roulette. 

Don't tell me that you'll wait,
I don't know if I will be coming back.
Times are changing,
People too.

But close your eyes,
Search your heart for me.
When I close my eyes I remember that soft smell of beach on you.
I really will be missing you.


We will both wake up one morning,
Looking for one another.
It will hit us.
The other person is gone.

 Not for long..

I try really hard not to make promises I can't keep.
No need to wait for me,
I might not make it back from across the world like you expect me to.

I'm leaving on a jet plane.
I have my ticket in hand.
I don't want to hurt you,
What happens if you find out I've found another man?

Let me see you one more time,
Keep the love inside my heart warm.

You've got me beat on the troubles ahead that you will face.
Don't take my word lightly, but that is how I will tread.
I'm leaving on a jet plane.

I'll be standing at the gate,
I'll turn to face you, maybe next time I see you is judgement day.
Bundle up and let loose.
I hate that you have to go.

Where does this plane take me?
What am I leaving you to?
The adventures don't end for us here.

Smile.
Please don't follow me.
It may seem pretty far,
You could never get there in a cable car.

Spin the globe,
Think of me.
Think of the days when we won't have to worry about being worlds away.

Smile.
And if you ever want to find me.
I'll be missing you too..
Close your eyes, search your heart for me.
That's where I will always stay.

But today,
I'm leaving on a jet plane.

 

They Forgot About Me

I was waiting,
It was just a waiting game for you.
Because you never showed up,
Even though you promised to.

You promised again,
And pretended to be sorry.
But I know you weren't.

I just held back tears and said,
"It's OK. You just forgot about me.."


I'm spinning.
No one is stopping,
Because they forgot about me.

I want so badly to push everything away,
Because no one ever asked me to stay.
I want to scream.
I didn't want anyone to leave.

Did I push you all so far?
Did you ever thing about how your decisions effected me...?

Obviously not.
You just forgot about me.   

I'm used up.
Misplaced,
Left in the corner,
While you wait for me to have a brighter perspective on life.

I think I'm addicted,
To believing that everything turns bad.
But who can really blame me?

I was forgotten you see.

Cars pull in,
Not one looks familiar to me.
Could it be?
Was I forgotten once more?

I walk on,
In a town where it is possible that I am easily recognized by people passing.
But a face like mine is easy to dismiss from your mind.

These thoughts,
They are constantly running through my soul.
I scream once more inside.
My name will one day me forgotten with time.

Don't forget about me,
And how much our friendships made me believe,
That maybe you wouldn't be the same;
The same as those people over there.

They forgot about me..

Don't Look Back

You walked through the streets today,
Wearing the same pair of jeans you were the day that you got kicked out..
Your face is dirty; a mix of tears and sweat.
Things will get better,
So don't look back.

I've found that the less money you have, the happier you are.
I've come to realize the difference between what I want and what I need.
That doesn't always stop me from obtaining what I want.
And when people ask,
"Do you need some money?"

I smile and say,
"Nah. Just pray for me."

I admit,
It's hard.
But it is your choice how much harder it gets on you.
You understand?

Having bare feet is one of the things that I used to love,
And wearing tennis shoes with an everyday outfit was taboo.
But these days, no shoes results in rocks and glass in your feet..

You do what you have to do.

There is a place in town,
Where there plaques with writing on them pined onto the brick walls.
They say things like,
"Spa."
"Backyard."
"Kitchen."
And, "Bedroom."

It's just a field behind a beat up 7-11,
But that is usually where you will find me. 

I like to imagine,
That these places exist.
The neighborhood kids like to play along too.

Asked one of the older kids,
She was probably eight or nine,
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

She told me that she didn't know.
But when she did know,
"I'll take it, and run with it."

That's how I see my life,
Right now it may just look like a collection of different fights.
Or a bunch of different jerky twist and car crashes.
But that's life.

You take it,
Run with it,
And don't look back.

  

You Caught Me Saying Sorry..

I think I should tell you,
On nights like this..
I really miss you.

I'm sorry your fight came to an end..

But a, "sorry" really doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't fix anything.
Doesn't change anything.

You are gone..

I'll light up a paper bag for you;
Drawing your face,
Trying my hardest to describe your love.
Crayons cannot do you justice. 

I miss you so much...

I miss you.
I want you to guide me.
Somewhere.
Anywhere..

I remember crying in my room saying,
"Noe, please don't die."

Chalkboard thoughts,
Repeating through my mind.
"Don't go."
"I miss you."
"Don't go."

"DON'T GO!"

But then you did...

I know you don't want me to cry for you.
But I have to,
Even though you never asked me too.

Most nights..
I don't know why,
But my mind turns to you.

My mind turns to how beautiful you were,
And how special you were to everyone, including me.

I need you...
I needed you to stay with me.

It hurts.
It hurts so bad.
But all I hear is nothing..
And sometimes...
That makes me mad.

I'll see you in Heaven.
There will be a smile on my face;
You wait and see.

Are you watching over me? 

I'm strong,
And you are too.
You caught me saying sorry.
But all I want you to hear coming from my lips is,

"Noe, I love you."