Ineffable

What if I live in a world?

A world where it doesn't get better?

But I have you.

If I had to pick a best friend,

I'd say it was you.

Because you always seem to be the first person to come to mind.

I know I mess up.

I messed up with you.

But there you are...

I don't remember much about that night.

But I remember you were there.

I remember being terrified. 

And very off balance. 

But if you left, I might have jumped off the deep end.

I remember laying my hands on your shoulders,

Trying to pull myself together and saying,

"Please don't go. I need you."

And that is how I feel everyday of my life.

It is simply ineffable.

Maybe we would have had a chance at a relationship,

But that's not what I want from you.

I don't wanna mess this up.

I want a friend.

And I found it in you.

I've heard it from a lot of girls.

 All the amazing qualities that you posses. 

And maybe you don't know it, but I see it too.

How could you ever feel like you didn't want to be you?

Your different. 

No one will ever be the same.

I sat and thought,

Because lately I have a lot of time to do so.

I don't want to replace you,

Because maybe, just maybe...

You'd be replacing me too.

When you threatened to leave,

I felt the same way I felt that night.

Who would...

 Just listen?

Who would I tell all my crazy stories to?

Who would I give all my secrets away to?

But then when you left I realized..

It wasn't fair to put it all on you.

You know it all.

I'm not sure what I first saw in you.

But now I realize,
Your never going to be just one of those old faces passing me down the hall.

Some days,The best part of my day was talking to you.


And I'll wait..
I'll wait for the day that maybe you'll need me too.
 

 

 

Monster

I hear you want to dance with the monster. 

You want to feel him creep up on your skin.

 You want to feel something.

You want to feel hands on you; dark as sin.

You want pleasure.

You want pain.

Your going to go dancing with the dark man?

Your going to dig your own sorry grave.

Use me.

Bruise me.

Say goodbye to the old me.

One hit,

Two hit,

Three hit,

Four.

Maybe your hooked; bite harder on the lure.

But there is no cute little rhyme for this monster's wrath.

One toke.

Your hooked.

No escape,

You just slip deeper.

So,

I hear you want to dance with the monster?

There is a heavy price you have to pay.

You think your ready?

Come on.

Right this way.

Lets lye together, in the back of a car.

Climb, Climb, Climb.

Here comes the head-on car crash.

It's more of a nose dive,

Out of control jet.

Atomic bomb.

Your family is the one who is paying the price.

Wake up,

Where are you?

Is that your daughter?

Look into those ocean-eyes,

Who is the father?

You wanted to dance with this monster.
But you don't even know just how screwed up you are.

I feel no pleasure,
I feel no pain.

Where are you getting the money?
How will you look in  your dress?
How do you think the world sees you?
Your really a mess.

Sell your self.
Leave the baby in the back seat.
Toke another one.
Feel  your warm breath on the sheet.

How many days have I been here?
In this room; in this hell?

Can you see clearly?
Through those fading eyes?

How are still standing?
I can see your ribs but no pride.

Sometimes I catch glimpses of regret in your eyes..

How do you get this money?
Are you stealing?
Are you lying?
How are you not aware that maybe you are dying?

You wanted to dance with this monster..
You didn't feel any shame..

Crystal meth,

That's the name of the game.

Shells On The Shore

I walked along the beach today.

I picked up shells; whole sand dollars. 

I looked at them and threw them back into the ocean.

Because if I were to meet my death in a foreign place,

I would want to be returned home; to where I belonged. 

I ran along the beach today.

Nothing changed but the faces going by.

Dogs might have chased me; surely just figments of my imagination...

I've always wanted a picture of me and the beach.

The silhouette of my body perfectly outlined by the sunset and the waves crashing around me.

Oh, such a wild imagination. 

I strolled along the beach today.

I saw surfers and sea otters.

I'm sure you have heard,

Otters hold hands so they don't lose each other.

I want to be a sea otter.

Maybe my love for my friends and family would be so strong that I wouldn't want to let go.

I am a sea otter.

I just didn't choose to be let go of; forever a drift in the waves.

...Having to brave the surf alone is a scary thing. 

Today, I saw the shells on the shore.

I saw beauty and uniqueness in all of them.

Each one, a diamond.

And that is exactly what we are.

Shells on the shore..

Una Canción Para Tú

English. Spanish.

It's all the same.

Either way we have a little baby.

..A little baby without a name.

What would it be like?

You know, to be a teenage mom?

People stare at things that are different; unaccepted.

Gays, Lesbians, Blacks with a white.

No one understands.

I'll challenge that.

One direction, a direction going nowhere.. 

It's alright to cry.

I understand,

What it is like to hold a tiny baby,

An empty baby in your hands..

Would you have been a good mommy?

I have no doubt.

So here is a song; a song for you.

Would you have sung a good sustantivo?

Sweet sweet lullabies. 

It is hard to walk away,

Walk away and be the same.

Thoughts race in your mind,

"Why? Why couldn't my baby stay?"

"Why did God have to take you away..?"

More of a plea than a question,

A question that you may never know the answer to..

What will he say?
What will he do?
It was his just as much as you thought this baby belonged to you.

Let him hold you,
And tell you that you'll be OK,
"..And maybe when were older,
We will try again someday."

You get up of your knees, and try and face the world.

No one knows..

As you walk out of the bathroom, hall pass in hand..

No one knows your life has forever been changed.

No one knows your heart has been absolutely crushed.. 

I know you'll be OK..

I know you'll see him again one day.

So let me sing.
Quiero cantar una canción para tú..

Not A Moment Left For Me..

I cannot tell you how many times I have sat in an:

Auditorium,

Theater,

Or a concert hall.

Well,

Actually.

I can.

14.

How can I tell you that?

I kept all my tickets.

I would watch quietly and intently with a big smile on my face.

It was a smile of pride in my friend.

Because I knew that what they were doing was making them happy.

And I was happy to be there. 

I would cheer and scream.

I know you could hear me above the rest. 

After the show, I would usually give roses.

Because, I know I would want them..

But it seems...

There is not a moment left for me..

I have spent a thousand hours on:

A pool deck,

A soccer field,

Basketball bleachers,

And football stadium benches. 

Because, I love you.

And I would do anything for you.

I have gone in all types of weather.

I was freezing.

I was burning. 

But through it all,

I was cheering.

I would write your jersey number on my face, and make sparkling T-shirts.

I would sit in the grass with an Arizona tea in hand, music in my ears,

Wishing only for your success.

Waiting to yell, "Goooooallll!"

Yet, there doesn't seem to be a moment left for me...

I would give hugs and hold towels.

I would feel awkward at times, like I didn't belong.

But that isn't true.

Team members would watch me, the intruder.

The interloper. 

But they wouldn't know..

They wouldn't know that I know the same stories they do.

I may have even been apart of some.

I know things that no one else knows.

They don't know I'm the girl behind the scenes.

I'm the one ready to fix a broken heart..

Ready to prevent a fight...

Ready to be...

A lover.

I'm their biggest fan.

I would come to your house with soup when you were sick.
I would feed you when I knew you would be hungry,
I would hold you when I knew you would have a melt down any second..
I called to stop you from swallowing those pills..
..From pulling that trigger.
And I know you would do it for me...
I...
I know it..

And it hurts inside to write this..

Because sometimes I feel like,

There isn't a moment left for me...

Open Water

Run threw your mind.

Try to find something familiar,

Someone you used to know.

Search your heart.

Find what is real.

Because sometimes I really don't know how to feel.

My life is fair game.

I'm biding my time, in open water.

My story is out there for the world,

Fair game.

I want a life,

But I don't want to wait. 

My world came crashing down once,

Torn apart by trials.

Few still stand, the lights of my life.

I put all my faith in you,

There isn't even any left for me.

I want a love,

But I don't want to do it in secret.

This is a place I do not want to be..

What about acceptance? 

What about the people that I've come to love?

How I wish everything would just fall apart.. 

I can't see anything coming back together.

Sometimes I sit and gaze out my window..

Do you miss me?

You split us..

I can't have a "serious relationship."

You have no idea.

You make me laugh.

You make me sick. 

  My life is fair game to you.

I'm treading in open water.

You mean so much to me.

Even though your gone.

You were like light traveling through me.

Stain glass window; illuminating the darkest corners.

We were iridescent, irresistible.  

I'm hurting.

I'm dying. 

But none of that matters to you.

I don't blame my environment,

Only my circumstances.

We don't need words.

We lay in her bed, silent and waiting.

I was waiting for something, something that would make me feel:

Complete.

Content.

Whole.

The silence only ends with a heavy sob; a whimper. 

Lay down my head; pleading.

Please make me feel whole again..

But she doesn't expect an answer to my tears.

I just feel comforted. 

I can let my walls down.

I'm tired of treading open water.

Hazing

I am wrapped up in my world of haze.
Faded jeans, ripped up sweaters.
Lean back and look at life; unfolding.
iPod blasting, eyes wandering.
Is this high school's version of hazing?

Everything I see, it is going too slow.
So why do I complain when life seems to be going by too fast?

Your walls are like a yearbook,
Life on display.
Everyone wants to write over one another.
But all those hearts and smiles don't mean a thing.
   It's all about making your mark.

All I want is to be me.
I'm just hiding.
I've had hands poised to strike down at me one to many times..
I've been told to just sit and be quite.
Lost to my thoughts.

So here I am.
Isolated.
I can't even find me anymore.
Why must everything be so hazy?

My life is on mute.
But I'm not trying to break the silence.

Converse hit the pavement.
"Darling, you better keep running."
Lay back, relax.
No longer will I be a victim of my minds enslavement.
Thump. Thwack. Thump.

Work up the courage.
Don't live in fear.
Maybe then my life won't seem so...
So..
Hazy.