Coastal Highways

I have a team.

I have a family.

I have more than just a family.

I have a tennis family. 

My road to self discovery began on coastal highways.

We are a family,

We win together; we lose together. 

We cry together, we sit up all night in hotels together.

We talk about life, and boys.

Which boyfriends that we hate...

Which ones are aceptable to date.

What teacher gives out the most homework.

These people make my life better.

We have all grown up together.

From the time we were old enough, we have hit the tennis court.

Slowly..One by one beginning to form a bond.

I was the one of the last ones in, the youngest.

I had to make my mark.

I had to show that I was worth it, like I had a right to be with these people.

But I always felt like I belonged. 

I do belong.

I have injuries.

Two bad knees,

And a recent injury to my ankle.

After matches, we would travel down the coastal highways.

We would go thru cities; some very shady.

I'd have two sore, SORE knees wrapped up in heating packs, knee braces, and I'd be loaded up on asprin.

There I was..

Seven people to a car, and there I was.

I always took the back seat, far right corner.

I would snuggle inbetween the coolness of the window,

And the body warmth of my teammates; all wrapped in blankets.

If we had to leave in the morning, we would meet at a donut shop,

And start the day off with pillow pet under arm, Uggs on our feet, and Blenders in hand.

Freshman and I felt like I belonged.

That's a family..

We would always drive down the coast line to get home after a match, just at sunset,

Frozen yogurt in hand; singing to whatever was on the radio, or whatever CD we had burned for the trip.

I got in some serious trouble,

Three months.

No phone, no going out, no boyfriend.

As soon as the match was over...

As soon as my dad (coach too) was out of sight...

One of the captains would slip me her phone.

But what I will never forget...

I promise you...

I'll never forget this..

We would go down the same strip of coastal highways after every match; just around sunset. 

Everyone would set their phone to camera..

And take a picture of the ocean.

Flip through our phones, you'll see the pictures of the many sunsets.

And you'll see the silhouettes of the people who made everyone of them so special.

Driving down those coastal highways..

Endless Summer

I can't remember much.

Blakely left two years ago. He was short.

And he was feisty.

But he had such a positive outlook on everything.

It seemed like when things couldn't get any worse; they did.

That didn't defer the smile from his face.

I hear the stories.

You've gotten lost in the snow storms,

I've always had to laugh and your text messages. 

Forever trying to carve out your place in the ice...

Blakely stayed with us for most of the summer.

He slept on our couch.

..An endless summer.

It could have stayed that way forever.

That summer was waking up to you every morning sprawled out on the couch.

Every morning I'd give you a newspaper to the face to wake you up.

Or sick the dog on you.

What ever mood I was in..

There was work to be done; children to teach tennis,

And a pink box filled with donuts, waiting to be eaten.

Everyday I'd put on a skirt,

A size-to-big T-shirt and throw my hair up.

It takes a real man to appreciate the beauty of a tennis player.

That is all our lives were:

Tennis, swimming, friends, and lunches at the beat up burger place a block away from the courts.

That summer should have lasted forever...

You were always so nice.

Blakely always had something to say about everything.

He was like my brother;

Just a year older than me.

He gave me a concussion.

We were having a yard sale.

Everything that was lay out in front of us all looked pretty worthless...

Except for the stories we put out on the table.

There was me and you,

And a not very sturdy clothing rack.

I can't remember how you gave me a concussion. 

I only remember the stories we told about first loves, sadness and our lives.

But we all know you had to leave.

You left us..

You left behind the beach and the tennis.

You left your school, our couch, and our lives; if not only for a moment.

That summer should have lasted forever..

 

At Least You've Got Your Eyes Closed..

Things get scary.

Lives are forever changed by the wrong doings of others.

People are hurting others; and you just let them.

People are hurting and you need to know it.

I'm getting hurt, I'm being shoved.

 

But, Hey. 

At least you've got your eyes closed.

People are walking by you, and it might just be the last time you ever see them.

I did a test once..

You've probably heard of that guy who commit suicide.

One day a man jumped off the Golden Gate bridge.

 When the police went searching through his house afterward, they found a note. 

It read:

"Today I will walk to the bridge. If anyone smiles at me, I won't jump."

I did a test.

I walked through the halls of school.

I did not talk, I simply walked.

No one smiled at me...

What happens now?

What happens to that kid who actually will go through with it?

I make it a point to smile at everyone I see now.

But this doesn't relate to you right?

Of course not.

You've got your eyes closed.  

A girl has beauty, 

In almost every girl I've found it.

Almost every girl.

I can't find it in me.

But don't we all feel that way?

Sometimes we look in the mirror, and can't find it.

Oh that's right,

We've got our eyes closed.

I love music.

Since I was 4 my dad would play his guitar, and I would sing along.

Sometimes I would fight him asking me to come sit down on the couch with him...

I'd perch myself on the arm rest like his canary; echoing the words he would sing to me. 

Cat Stevens, The Eagles, Simon and Garfunkle.

I grew up on them all.

This is how a childhood should be.

I chased butterflies with a net that had a hole in it..

Everything always escaped; like childhood innocence. 

You don't see it disappear.

Kids are having to grow up too fast to raise the younger. 

My mom teaches kindergarten; she buys crackers.

Not everyone on that playground would have a full tummy if it weren't for my mum.. 

I don't remember that part of my childhood... Do you?

It breaks my heart when I see the same child I just gave 4 peanut butter crackers to,

 Have to turn around and divide it in half for his sister a classroom down..

 

But, Hey. 

At least you've got your eyes closed.

Do You Believe In Happy Endings?

"Do you believe in happy endings?"

I sent this text to 13 people.

4 people thought I was going suicidal.

2 people asked if I was hurting myself.

1 person said no.

4 people said yes.

2 people said maybe.

 1 person didn't understand my question.

Do you believe in happy endings?

I do. I don't. 

I can fight for both sides.

I don't.

What has given me reason to believe in happy endings?

In relationships, people get hurt.

In life, people get hurt.

I've seen enough. 

I've seen enough to know that not everything ends up OK.

I've seen people die of cancer...

It hurt.

I still cry over it.

Do you believe in happy endings?

No.

How can you call divorce a happy ending?

How can you call the boy who meant everything to you;  walking out of your life;

A happy ending?

How can you call losing your baby girl as a still birth a happy ending?

I can't..

Don't ask me to.

Do you believe in happy endings?

Yes.

I believe in God. 

So nothing really ends..

Rainbows have happy endings; laced with gold.

Anything can end happy,

Like someone who comes in last place in a race, can still be the one with the biggest smile on their face.

Poetic.

I believe in happy endings.

Like how in books,

The boy always gets the girl.

Cinderella ends up with her prince,

And no one cries.

No one hurts..

I wish my life was like a story book.

You may have to go threw hell,

But yes; you will find your happy ending.

Do you believe in happy endings?

A Game I Will Never Win

People just spend their days, sitting and killing.
So desensitized.
I used to think, "There is no way this makes sense."
Killing zombies.
But there they are,
Sitting cross legged and playing Xbox.
Somethings are just meaningless.
The truth is, this just helps people not to feel.
Some people do this in life.
They never feel.
They spend all their life trying not to feel anything.
But everyone feels.
There is just something that happens to someone..
Something that makes them change inside; makes them want to feel nothing.

The beginning gamer: jumps, winces at the sight of their first kill, and squirms as they play.
Spectators laugh. But they don't know.
 They have never had to kill.

Eventually, the more and more the gamer plays, the less they feel.
The less connected they are.
Sometimes this happens in life too.
You have felt too much pain; seen too much life.
You feel like life is a movie and your just seeing it all unfold through someone's eyes, not your own.

There is nothing you can do but let your life slip away.
You feel as if your heart has become desensitize to love.
You feel as if your hands have become desensitized to touch.
Your eyes have become desensitized to the feeling of tears falling down your face,
They mean absolutely nothing.
It is all so unnecessary, just like playing a video game.
A game I will never win.

We Won't Come Back; The World Is Calling Out

Adults say the teenage years are the hardest.
The hardest to parent,
The hardest to teach,
The hardest to control.

They say that it is always easier after the teenage years.
The self help books; You know all the bull that first time parents read?
Those books say that we will mature...
And grow into "Fine young ladies and gentlemen."

Woo.

But they never tell you why.
Personally, I've skimmed these books.
Just to see what kind of nonsense is out there..

Here is my theory.

You go off to college when your 18.
Your still a teenager.
You've fought all the wars against your parents.
Or maybe your in the heat of battle.
But, your gone.

We won't come back; the world is calling out.

I can't wait for college.
I can't wait to come home to a hotdog and cheesy egg breakfast.
I can't wait to be the "favorite."
I can't wait till the day that someone is happy to see me walk threw my front door.
I hate being the reason that my family dreads hearing the doorknob turn.
All the problems that we ever had will be left behind us...
Because when time is so limited, you pick your battles and there better be good reason for them.

Durring your 18 years at home,
Tucked away from the world all snug and such...
There is much to fight about.
You can see marraiges fall apart,
You can get a back hand every once-in-awhile.
You can hear your siblings sneaking out their window..
But when your gone, you'll never know.

One of the downsides of leaving is that,
You can no longer protect.
And if you have younger siblings, you know what I'm talking about.
You're the comforter, the one who takes the hardest blow.
You're the one who gets in between your younger sibling and
The darkness...
The monster under the bed...
The bullies..
But one day when you are gone,
You can only lye in bed and hope.
Hope that you raised them well enough to fight on their own.

We won't come back; the world is calling out. 

A Kiss, Double Slides, and You as My World

 I have a boyfriend.
He is my world.
And what the hell is wrong with that?
Absolutely nothing.

He is down to Earth.
He tells me when to calm down, sit up, shut up, and kiss him.
Don't take what I'm saying wrong.
He is not abusive.
He's my other half, the half with the common sense.

That must make me his other half then, right?
I don't really know. 
I'm the street smart one.

"Keep your head down."
"Don't look at that guy the wrong way."
"Wear the black tie not the blue."

I could write forever.