"Give me a second, I need to get my story straight. My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state."

Everything I write, is much like the last.

It may seem like my stories are just many tragedies,

But that is not the way I see it at all.

I never had a diary.

I was always afraid someone would look at it.

I don't trust.

I don't trust just anyone with my secrets.

 Sixbillionsecrets..

If I let you into my life,

There is a reason.

You'd think I'd learn from my mistakes.

You tell someone what's wrong, and he tells the whole world your business. 

But I don't learn.

So here is your test world, hope you pass.

 

Any where. As long as it always leads back to you.

 

Take me somewhere,

Any where.

As long as it’s always leading back to you.

Pressing my cheek to my cup, feeling warmth and letting out an even warmer smile.

I know you’ve been hurt, here’s what I’ll do.

I’ll get a little closer,

I’ll look a little deeper,

And help you find those things I love about you.

Your eyes change colors,

My eyes tell stories.

You’ve seen all my mistakes.

Now look me in the eyes.

I’d heard stories,

That didn’t stop me,

I know the truth.

But why don’t it haunt me?

You’re trying to run from that,

I know you’re done with that.

Silent movie,

That’s what we are.

No longer needing words,

That just makes things more complicated,

Like Inception.

I lay against you,

Seeing you,

Seeing the world,

My world.

I’d rather not look at the pictures I take,

I’d like to imagine that my smile isn’t crooked.

I’d like a camera that can capture the happiness I feel.

A perfect Kodak moment.

Let’s take a drive,

Seventeen hour drive to nowhere,

Each moment leads us closer to our place in heaven.

Maybe I should have been born blind,

Maybe then I would have a greater appreciation for touch.

I’m overly sensitive to touch,

Not desensitized like many may think.

So much of my life,

I’ve convinced myself was nothing?

Sitting cross legged and crying,

Writing all my secrets,

And then putting a match to them.

It’s all the same memories anyways.

Sing to me,

Let me dance on your feet,

Make me feel like I have given you a reason to stay,

When all I had given you in the past was reasons to run away.

Take me somewhere,

Any where.

As long as it always leads back to you.

Model in my Mind

It is an easy thing to do, modeling.

It is easy to walk a runway wearing almost nothing.

People stare at you like the cover of a book.

So it's not a shocking thought that people might just be judging us models like a book's front cover.

It is not shocking that people think they know us.

It is like buying a book but deciding only to skim the cliff notes.

You know nothing about me.

If you walked in my shoes, would you survive? 

Do you know what it is like to eat a granola bar a day? Maybe two?

Have you ever said to yourself, "OK, I'll eat this 100 calorie bar and burn off 200 on the treadmill."   

Have you ever collapsed from lack of food?

Will you look that model in the eyes?

Can't you see when my lights went out?

There is something about modeling...

Something about everyone looking at your outside and they can't see all the broken pieces inside...

I like that.

Modeling is easy. Living is hard.

I have my good days. I have my bad ones.

I can see the flaws on myself.

Sometimes I am accepting of them,

Sometimes.. .

Sometimes....

Sometimes.... I...

I can't.

Sometimes....

There are no words for how I feel.

There are only the memories that play in my head...

"Ugly."

"Fat."

"Worthless"

People can be so cruel.
That is a fact.

I cut my hair.
You know? When things are bad?
I cut my hair.
I cut my bangs.
I'll take off length..
I'll cut a millimeter off...
Just to feel different.
Just to feel like everything is OK...

So...
Now you know something you didn't know before. Something, personal.

This
All
Makes
Me
Want
To
Cry.


This is just my story. Please,
Just Listen.

"You Jump I Jump"

I remember..

I remember calling you at 1am.

You were my last hope, my final push for the surface.

Maybe you could save me from myself.

That's a funny thought.

I was perfectly aware of myself.

It should be called,

"Saving yourself from the world."

Because isn't it the world that made me want to do this in the first place? 

I remember us crying,

"You jump I jump."

We told each other everything,

Everything the world had done to hurt us.

Every blow that ever hit us...

Every match that ever burned us..

Every boy who ever hurt us...

Every pill in our cabinets that we knew in the back of our minds..

Might one day kill us. 

So here we are now.

I've taken the beaten path, but somehow everything turned out smooth.

We took this road together, forever intertwined in each others lives.  

Now we are in this situation...

The worst part about going to this school,

Is that it is too far away from you.

I cried, and I cried.

And now I find out you tried to take your life.

...On Facebook. 

I promised you that I wouldn't let the world hurt you.

I can still hear the word's ringing in my ears..

"You jump I jump."

That's what you told me..

So that's what is going to happen..

You jump, your jumping with my heart in your hands.

you'll take all the love in my heart,

and you'll take all the hope from my eyes.

You saved my life, and I don't  have a damn idea how to save yours..

Don't jump.

 

 

Razors Can't Replace God

  Today I found God.







                                                            ...Again.


I have found him...but I keep losing him. He's slipping away as I try and get a grasp on God's word.
Or is it just the opposite? I've never felt so so close. Like I can almost taste God's glory.

I'm going to share something personal.

I met God. I can't exactly be sure when. Preschool? We learned about Him there. We sang about God.
"..The birds and the sea, the bugs and fishes. Birds flying high in the sky so blue. God made me, and God made you."  That was our song.

I kinda thought I always had God. I mean, I prayed. I would talk to him. I knew rights and wrongs.
I never felt alone. My family never really enforced God in our lives until the past few years.

I found God. In a church. Singing in the church choir. You could feel, feel God's glory. It made me want to cry. I belonged here. With GOD's people. It's a good feeling. That makes feel good right now remembering.


I lost God. I realized this when I was sitting in a car in the church parking lot.  Tears running down my face. I was late for church choir. I found him there, when I had decided I had enough of everything. I had had enough of everything I was doing to hurt myself. I'd had enough of my life.


I'm finding God. I found my way back to God sitting on my computer. Looking at a Facebook page, scrolling down and my eyes found a link to a blog.  I found God, at least the way to God again. I didn't even think I was that lost. But I was.

 I'm praying I won't lose you again.

Just Close Your Eyes