So This Is What It Is Like

My sniffling was only worsening. I could literally count the steps till our journey together would be coming to an end. I just wanted you to know that it had been an amazing three years with you. I couldn't choke out the words because only sobs would begin to escape right up from my heart; tinged with all my memories.

    You kept up the brave face, the one you hold up so well, 

As you walked me towards this life without you.

 Can we just call it Hell?

 I fell apart in your brother's arms, of course it was hard leaving him too.
But who was really doing the leaving?
Me or you?
    
I just looked at you. I couldn't stop. I was trying to take in everything that was you. "Please be careful. Don't do anything stupid." I warned you. But what could I really do?

I remember the last day of school. You wrote me a letter.

The letter summed up our past. 

 I was praying and praying that those days would always last.

And I'm sorry it wasn't everything that you might have hoped it would be.

But these past years have meant everything to me.

It was bringing tears to my eyes thinking that this was the the first signs and steps of having to say our final goodbyes.

We were walking on the beach.

 The tides were rough and raging closer and closer in.
The sands of time were slipping away,

It's sad to think that our last day together was today..

I held your hand in mine. I squeezed hard, like maybe we could become one person and that we could stay together forever.  What could I say? The words just slipped out,

"Please stay."

It was such a hopeless plea.. It was an answer I already knew. She had to leave for her new life a world away. 

The thought of her leaving used to make me angry. I used to hate looking at her. Sometimes I would have to walk away from her and just cry. My crying was heavy and my breathing became rapid. No one would ever understand. No one would understand that she was all I had.

Okay, Okay.

Maybe that statement isn't entirely true.

But why would I care about the rest of the world?

All I needed was you..

I thought about our lives together and separate.

 I will think about you every night.

 Because that is what I did sometimes when I was going to give up the fight..

You looked me in the eyes and said, "Baby girl, you will be fine." I know that she doesn't expect me to be fine in just one day. That would be impossible. This healing will take time. 

I dragged my feet in the sand, stumbling here-and-there. I slowed my pace. I didn't want this to be over.

"Remember what I told you I wanted before you left?" 

She paused and pondered. But did she already know? 

"No, I don't think I do."

I told her to forget it,

And added, "Never mind."

  But that had been the only thing on my mind for quite some time.

"Remember what I wanted?"

But I already knew.

"I want a kiss from you."

I told her that I remembered. But I wasn't so sure. Would this change anything between us? I would hate to mess a good thing up. I didn't want you to leave; leaving me heartbroken.

We walked on. You told me that usually these kinds of kisses happened in the water where the ocean meets the shore. I told you that I wasn't much of a romantic. You said you weren't really one either. The truth is that I am a hopeless romantic most of the time. But you aren't just anyone; you are special.   

What will I say when you are gone away...?

I'll say I loved your soul,

And in my heart that is where you will stay. 

Will you say to them that you loved me too..?

Was it all just pretend..

Even when you said, "I do."?

I asked you if we would still be, "Best friends forever." It wasn't really asking. I was just choking out the words; unsure if this little whimper of a voice was me. You were so sure of the answer to every question I asked.

I told you to kiss me.

Can this be Destiny?

This is the girl I once knew?

This can't be the same girl who saved me; the me without a clue.

You gave me a kiss.

But did you say goodbye?

I know I will see you soon,

This is but a wrinkle in time.

No. I can't remember where I put my hands or if people were staring at us disapprovingly. But that means it was a good kiss.

 

I have this theory. If you can remember every little detail about your kiss, it must not have been very good. 

The second she kissed me,

Chills went down my spin.

But that is OK,

Because in that moment you were mine.

She was mine. She wasn't with anyone else. I didn't have to turn away awkwardly as she kissed some boy who's name I didn't know.  I didn't have to watch her heart break a million times. I just hope I am not the reason she will go home and cry. 

I really can't describe it. I would do anything to have that kiss again a hundred times over.

You looked me one last time; straight in the eyes.

All the colors of the world dancing,

As I let out a sigh.

We were down to our final steps;

 Sand turning to broken pavement. 

It was just like our journey together. 

Not everything had gone smooth.

But it was like you were sending me off with just my bare feet and bag filled with memories.  

To a life I would have to live without you..

You pulled me in for one last hug and asked, for one more kiss. But one kiss was all I would need. Because the first kiss was just perfect for me. 

I looked back to find you..

I wanted to run back into your arms. 

But I knew I would never make it.

Besides, I didn't want my fresh tears to raise any alarms.

I walked in the parking lots. 

I crossed a few streets. 

What happens now?

 I feel like my life is not complete.

I wonder what I might have looked like to the surfing hopefuls passing me by.. What did the cafe goers think of me? 

Did they think some boy left me broken? 

Why was I all alone? 

 Why did my words when I answered, 

"I'm okay," sound so monotone?

And I sat alone with my thoughts. 

I wiped my tears; stared at my phone.

I silently whispered, "Thank you," for all the kindness you had shown. 

I always thought our story had no end..

"So this is what it is like to lose a best friend."

 

All Of God's Promises

Laying in the shower,
God is talking to me.
Or maybe it is just the voices in my head; filling in the blanks.
It doesn't matter.
All of God's promises are washing over me.

Sometimes I just don't know what to say.
So I go through all the praise songs and prayers that I know.
Do my prayers go unanswered; like a call of a crow?


It's raining in my Heaven.
Everything tastes sweet.
Will all of God's promises make my Heaven complete?

All of these devotions,
And all of this praise,
Let me know that one day soon He will reign.

So buy me a Bible,
And send in some robed men,
But all of God's promises won't put me back together again..

My Lord is saying, "Don't run away from the truth."
It is so hard to find it these days, I feel like I'm wasting my youth..

Dear God,
I know I've asked you before. But do you cry for me? My savoir; my Lord?

Do you miss when I fall to my knees?
Do you miss the way the tears would fall; silent streams.

I'm sorry but my streams have dried up,
I'll let out a tiny prayer.
Jesus, do you cry for me?

Please let me know you are there.

I'll walk down the street,
Singing God's tune with a beat.
And maybe people will see all of God's promises pouring out from the top of my head down to my feet.

I stare at the ceiling;
At a loss with this world;
I'm not sure what to be...
And I let out a prayer,

God, how can you just let this world throw rocks at me?

I'm teetering on this line,
I'm caught between Faith and whatever I want to do.
Sometime I wish that I could invite you to Starbucks and have a chat with you.

Dear God,
I'm not giving up I just don't know what to do..

So let me dive into the ocean; the ocean you created for me.
This is a ocean of knowledge prophets didn't posses.
I will no longer be Satin's little monkey in a sinful circus..

You have tacked a million final notices up on Calvary's tree.
I know I will be back on God's door step as I take those fateful steps of faith to the alter.
Preacher take this Holy water and pour it over my head; this is not my last or final plea.
I want to feel all of God's promises washing over me.

Beautiful Tattoos

"You are beautiful."
It is tattooed on my memories,
As you whisper it softly into my ear.

"You are beautiful."
Forever hanging in the air;
The words frozen in time,
Waiting to be claimed as something that:
I
Want
To
Believe.

"You are beautiful."
Just like the words on this page.
Am I still beautiful?
Or have you found another to persuade?

"You are beautiful."
Maybe just for awhile.
But when you pressed your body against mine that is what really drove me wild.

I couldn't bare it any longer,
I tattooed myself.
I dusted off my razor from the second floor's shelf. 


Am I still beautiful?
Please answer me now.
It's funny how I can't imagine my future now that you are not around.

I am beautiful.
But what does that mean?
Every time I think of you I cry; I scream.

"You are beautiful."
That sentence has been lost from my gaze.
Nothing seems beautiful without you these days.

I guess that I am beautiful.
If that's what you say..
I miss everything about you,
In the worst possible way.

I guess that makes me beautiful,
But I don't think I'll stay this way..

So what is there that makes me beautiful?
It's all just memories fading away.
Like watercolors wet with kisses; kisses I'd hoped would be for you.

Let's do this again,
I'm giving myself one more tattoo.

I Always Thought That, "That Will Never Be Me."

I never thought I would be the girl on the milk carton.
Or the girl you saw on the street.
I'm the girl that you look at and think,
"Well. That will never be me."

You could look at me and all my excuses,
But they really aren't worth anything to you.
So give me a dime,
And I'll be fine.
Really, anything will do.

The people who stand out side of stores; selling candy for a cause.
I have nothing but respect for them.

I will donate a dollar,
And take I flyer.
Because, maybe one day that will be me too.

I walk into alcoholics anonymous,
I'm very scared.
I've been to the bottom of every bottle.
But I know in my heart it is the right thing; being here.

The meetings are free.
What ever is?
I know this can't be free.
Someone is fundraising so someday I will have a better life than this.

I look to the mirror; when my head isn't in the toilet.
I can feel my stomach begin to harden,
And so is the lump in my throat.

I take timid steps into the clinic,
I avoid all eye contact with the others.
Some are older,
Some are young.

Other teens look at me like somehow they are better than me.
But how can that be?
Now it is my turn to judge; as you walk out minus one tiny soul.

I always thought that, "That will never be me."

I am sorry to disappoint you,
Can we just forget the past?
I should have known that this love for myself was never going to last...

I never thought I would be that person selling herself for a little bit of money; some kind of thrill.
Every time stranger's eyes strip my body up and down, I get a chill.
This is such a sick, sick, job that I need; that I crave.
All my secrets are going to follow me right down to my grave.

But I had always thought...
"That will never be me."

I guess I should come to terms with myself,
I want to scream out,
"YES! YES! THAT'S ME!"
Because worthless is something that I will never be.

Today is the day; the day I will change myself.
I'm going to be someone that I want to be.
Because I had always thought...

I had always thought,
"That will never be me."



 

You Can Call Me Coach

Tan lines and tattered plans,
Gone with the winds,
In hopes of a better day.

Hot kisses from the sidewalk,
To my bare feet.
They make promises that,
My the tennis courts are not far away. 

My shorts are colorful,
My sunglasses transparent.
My skirts be short,
As my shirts are baggy.
An ever present farmer tan is conscientiously bestowed on my mind.

But you can call me coach.

I show up to a treat from higher up in the ladder,
Because everyone knows that donuts are the breakfast of champions.

My little children arrive,
The sun barely peeps through the clouds.
Put on my smile; and crouch down to eye level.
I'll be feeling this one later.

I will have you do push ups or run laps,
Only if you are bad.
Don't give me attitude,
I only wish to remember the precious memories we've had. 

One day you notice my darker skin,
Sun bleached hair,
And a smile on my face that will be all you need to see to know that I couldn't be more proud of you. 

But you can call me coach.

Maybe you will see me,
After a ten hour day of work.
Maybe you will see me then,
Walking out to the market; slipping on my slippers. 
Letting out a sign of, "Alright... I did it."
While my fairly good sized paycheck is burning a whole in my spandex; skin tight to my thigh.  

Maybe you will see me when you are older.
And you will understand.
Why sometimes I would yell; or be firm.
Why sometimes I would give you juice boxes,
Or why sometimes I would rarely not be there.
 I just want you to know I care.

But you can call me coach.

You can call me coach,
With all the wisdom I posses.
Yes, I know when you are having a bad day.
I know when you are injured; so please don't try to hide it.

I know what you are capable of doing,
I understand if you cry.
But I want you to know I was just like you.

I was the little four year old swinging the racket blindly and blissfully.
I was the little girl being dragged out to practices.
I was the teenager who finally began to understand.
I was the varsity freshman who needed someone to hold my hand.

For now..
You can call me coach. 

I am your coach,
I will be you're best friend.
You guys make my day better when my heart is on the mend.

One day, I will watch you walk down the graduation isle,
I will see you walking with your friends every once in awhile.
Maybe you will be to afraid to approach..

But I will always be proud of you so,
You can call me coach.

Running Not Walking

I head out in the morning; just before sunset.
My alarm clock will call out at 5 o'clock sharp,
But there will be no answer.
Just the echoing cries of a restless baby.

The air is cool against my skin.
I tug at my beanie; letting it fall just before my neck.
My ears are red and hurting from the cold.

I don't mind.
This is what I want.

I feel like I deserve to be chilled; chilled to the bone.
As if this is fair punishment for laying just moments ago in my bed of tranquility.
And in a few hours my world that I have left behind will be jolted one-by-one will the same shock of panic.
Slowly the waves of anger, denial, and disbelief will swallow them up.
Hopefully, not pulling them under.

I am not trying to fit in.
I run alone.

No one will see me except for the occasional homeless person sleeping in the playground tunnels.

As I pass by the many trees,
I have time; time enough to feel like the moment that I have to go out and face the world doesn't exist.

The gravel splashes away as my feet glide on the unpaved roads; roads of an uncertain future.

I stumble a pone an elderly man having his morning coffee.
He is taking in this daily dose of tragic times; newspaper grim reapers.

Nothing ever changes.
But something inside me will never be the same.
These are the moments I live for.

I'll sit on a bench and pull my knees to my chest.
Because sometimes you have to realize that it is OK to rest.

Feathers float in the air; a trail to a mystery.
A duck quacks at my presence;
It cuts thru the mists of the morning like a rooster signaling the sun's timely arrival.  

The pale moon fades away once more,
As my frog prince announces he is near.

The day is just beginning; walking into the fields of grey.
There is no place I'd rather be than here,
This place,
This day.

No one should have told me it was this easy,
..This easy to run away.

Last Bite To My Soul

You can find me in between the words I say,
All you have do is see the promises that you've broken,
And unravel the mystery which is my time that I have spent with you.

Our future seemed so bright.

You will find me one day, cold and at peace.
Look to the trees; find me with my grandparents.
Grandpa Leo and Grandma Cat dancing in the wind.

That's where I always knew we would one day be.

You will find me in a parking lot one day; reminiscing about my childhood.
I'll remember.
I'll remember how me and my dad would always get up early; just before the sun came up.
And we would go out and buy two-for-two dollar breakfast sandwiches at McDonald's.  
At the end of my little treat he would look at me and say, "Last bite."
It doesn't feel right to finish off a whole one anymore.
I always hear, "I love you. Can I have the last bite?"

Last bite to my soul.

You can find me now,
Answering to no one but my heart.
Even then, I try and ignore it as best I can.

You will see the fire back in my eyes;
Because I have come to terms will me no longer being a package deal.

You'll see my smile illuminating the deepest corners of my fears;
Nonexistent resistance to new challenges. 

I have realized that this is not where my story ends.