Last Conversations

Your looked me in my eyes;
Holding my face tenderly in your hands.
I was forced to meet your stare.

You told me that I was strong.
And that you never meant to leave me.
You had always planned  on staying by my side.

We took each other in as we hugged goodbye.
I really hate goodbyes.

I remember finding your note.
You had slipped it into my bag.
It was rushed and risky.

By the time I made it out of class that day.
It was too late.

I already knew when I got the call.
It was just white noise filling my ears.
You were gone.

It was like the conversation I never got to start. 
It was just you.
You on your own selfish time deciding that you weren't going to be able to make it one more day.

I would never have done that to you...

It was the conversation I never got to finish.

 You can only run in circles so long.
Neither wanting to admit you were wrong; this was never going to work out.

It was realizing that we couldn't make it any longer.
Just cold and silent acceptance of the future.
A future without each other.

It was you walking away,
Walking away without an, "I love you."

I never saw you again..
Just the conversation on replay.

It was me and you laying up against a tree.
You told me I looked different than before you left.
And I thanked him because I didn't like the way I looked before.

And I told him that he broke my heart.
I didn't cry because I had done enough of that.
For once I felt strong; like maybe I could do this on my own.

It was the conversation that I never imagined would be our last.



I buried my head in my pillows and cried.
Because I knew that it was acceptable to cry at a death.

I had never been around death.
I was never afraid of it though.
 I was young but old enough to know..

 It was the conversations that I took for granted.

You told me that, Of course you wouldn't forget me! 
And that I would see you again..
You spoke of how we would stay in touch no matter what.
 And how I was so loyal.

You told me that you loved me with all your heart,
And that I was beautiful.
She said that she wouldn't let me fade away.

But if you planned on keeping me in your life; seeing me tomorrow,
Why would you say all that?

 I knew...
I knew that was the last conversation that I would ever have with you..

I'm Just Looking For Some Answers In a World That Answers None Of Them At All

I keep looking for the answer,
But it seems you have the answer anyway.

I hope you can see the writing on the wall.
I'm talented aren't I? 
I wrote it in lipstick just for you.
I knew you would like it.

Please, just let me breathe.

"Was it me? Or his feelings that day.."

I keep looking to you for my answers.
But you don't seem to want to hear it anyway...


You're not there.
Listen to yourself.

He's. Not. There.

I can't keep looking to you for answers..

I sit myself down on the piano.
And press tenderly on the keys.
I'm trying to figure it out.
But what is there to figure out?
You're not coming back this time.

The music just won't play.

Please..
Come home.

I can't stand one more day without you...
I'm ready for you to come home.

I write you letters.
I cry.
I didn't want to say goodbye.. 


I remember laying on my bed; the night I knew you'd be gone.
I tried to be calm.
I didn't want you to go to Vietnam.

I remember laying in the street; it was cold and I was afraid.
What would I do without you?
You were abandoning me.
Why?

I was angry.
I was upset.
I just want my brother back..

I await an email everyday.
And you'll tell me of your stories,
And how you're seeing the world in the best kind of way.
And I hold on to the promise that the day you're coming back really isn't that far away.

I just keep looking to you for answers..

My world is at peace,
But my mind won't stand still.

I would wish on a star,
And hope for a million kisses.

I knew what I wanted and I found it in you.

I lay on your shoulder on the car ride home.
The driver is about 20 miles over speed limit.
Everything is going way too fast.

You were just a guy.
You could call it a friend-of-a-friend.
And our conversations really don't mean much to me.

But you keep looking at me with those eyes.
Those eyes just staring into mine...

Looking for an answer.

What is it that you want?
What could you possibly learn from me.

Maybe this will be my day.
My luck.
My hour.
Did you really get me to throw away the key?


As I rest my head into the small of my shoulder.
I know it will come to me; I'll remember how to play.
My breathing will be steady like a horse's cantering gate.
 
I'll remember how to ride.
I'll remember how to dance.
I'll remember what it feels like to go out and take a chance.

I'm just looking for some answers.
And I think I'll start looking inside of me.
Maybe this will be good for me; this retrospection into my soul.
And I'll find my place; my Jubilee.

I Found This In A Dresser Drawer..

Side Notes of Insanity

You look back.

And see a world. 

A world not worth even imagining; this world has people in it.

People but no places; a world with many repeating faces. 

You see people changing, 

Learning, 

Moving on without you.

So you are compelled to bolt away from tranquility. 

Or maybe it is just that chaos found you whether you imagine it or not, it is there. 

Circles.

Voices. 

Feeling. 

Secrets.

Imagine.

Imagine my world.

 Laying in bed at night. 

Don’t leave me to myself because that is when I get to thinking. 

Thoughts running, 

Running.

 Maybe that is what I am chasing.

 Running down a thought that you cannot yet put into words, 

Chasing away a memory, 

A reality, 

A mistake.

 I’m going back to the start. 

Side notes of insanity. 

Look in the mirror.

 Do you go crazy?

 For along time you can’t take the person starting back at you. 

Vivid. 

Vivid what? 

Dreams.

Day dreams. 

Lose yourself. 

Find yourself.

 See the beauty.

 See the fears.

 The world isn’t bad. 

There is the girl. 

The girl with many faces,

Many dreams, 

Many stories.

 What makes something beautiful?

 Glimpses of heaven. 

Someone told me that is what beauty is.

Not necessarily on a person but in the world. 

Somehow different. 

Imagine.

Happiness.

Happiness. 

Back to my world. 

A world seen almost through two sets of eyes. 

Remember.

Remember everything. 

Don’t put it on paper. 

Do you trust me?

 Don’t worry. 

Don’t worry. 

Why run.

That’s not a question.

 That’s a statement. 

Why hide. 

Why doesn’t she trust me?

How have I ever hurt you? 

When have I lied to you? 

Protected.

 Run.

Run. 

Run where?

 Don’t face the future. 

Your ready. 

You’re an idiot. 

Speak the truth. 

Fight for it; 

It’s not ok to say that. 

Your never leaving here. 

Watch me fall into insanity. 

Too late been there. 

I’m not insane.

I just really like the word. 

Something poetic about it.

 What if you knew? 

What is there to know?

What is my life? 

Let me think. 

Let me think.

 Make a wish,

Take a chance. 

Make a memory,

 Do it right. 

Are you happy. 

Yes.

 Hope. 

Pretty word. 

Ready set go.

 Find it. 

Chase it.

 Go. 

My life. 

There is the past. 

That is the past, how did you make it into my fears? 

Name a fear?

 No. 

No thanks.  

 Where is my past, the past I want to keep?

 The one with the friends. 

The friends that need to listen

.

 The one’s that have finally opened their eyes. 

You ready to listen? 

What do you do?

 What do you do when you lose what you worked hard to find?

 The people you just fit in with; and came to the realization that you don’t.

 Show me some memories. 

What do you say when you realize you have no one?

 What’s it like to hit a low point. 

What is it like when they say your just a kid?

 Are you saying it is going to get worse? 

Pick yourself up don’t blame the world. 

Smiles.

 Faces. 

Faces.

 Faces with names. 

Grateful. 

Gratefulness when it could be worse.

 Listen.

 I’m good at that.

 You listen. 

Stop me.

 Not you. 

Run.

 Run. 

Running races. 

I’m missing you.

 The girl who made me something. 

Who cared. 

Cares? 

Are you the girl? 

Are you the girl I held? 

Are you the girl who I held while she cried?

 You cried about the mistakes while I think, 

“This just doesn’t happen to people. Not us.”

 Are you ok?

 Are you starving yourself? 

Are you loading on the make up that makes you look beautiful? 

I know your secrets.

 Your smile says “Oh look it’s you.”

Your eyes; fear.

 I know your deepest fears; darkest secrets.

I return your fake smile with love. 

Love and sympathy

I’ll always be here for you.

 How could I not?

 Secrets.

 I know yours. 

I could give a secret for almost everyone I know for more than a month. 

Why? 

Listen. 

I listen.

 Who knows my secrets? 

Who knows?

This is all just;

Side notes of insanity. 

Dear Me

Dear me,

                You. Were. Prettier. Last. Year.

Write.

Write something until you feel.

Feel something.

Just wanting to belong,

To something,

Anything.

Anything is a risky word.

I’m done.

A risky sentence.

You were prettier last year.

It’s my fault anyway.

I’ll never know those famous last words.

No one needs to be misleading.

No one ever meant to be.

This way, you’ll always be there for me.

Hug me,

Kiss me,

Look at me with those eyes like an abused puppy.

I’ll always be in love with you.

Mirror eyes,

That’s what you have.

You are what I am.

You were what I became.

Like. I. Know. What. Am. I. Even. Talking. About.

Cry.

Mommers.

Go ahead.

I have.

Dear god,

Do you cry for me?

Pop me some pills.

Insane asylum,

Loony bin,

Psychology ward?

I’m in.

Is. This. All. You. Can. Write. About.

No.

Is. This. All. You. Can. Think. About.

No.

I’m in love with my best friend,

And it’s not you.

You’ll walk away too...

Dear spell check,

Apparently you can’t tell between an essay’s format and a crazy person’s thoughts scribbled out.

Eternity’s mystery

Running through my mind

Indescribable

Can’t seem to find you.

34.

I think that’s my number.

Let’s make it 35?

Don’t leave,

I know I’m not reason enough to stay.

But, you were mine.

You. Already. Knew. I. Was. In. Love. With. You. Though. Huh?

So what is it you really have to say?

It’s just a feeling, Doc.

What is it that you want?

I want to be out of control.

Maybe then I would have a reason for feeling out of control.

How poetic.

This is what you do:

You change your self.

Cut your hair,

Change your make up,

What is it that you WANT.

Why is it I have a hard time letting people in?

No, that’s not it.

Listen to me.

But. No. One. Cares.

I wish I could forget all the bad.

Like when you go to church and repent,

God would just wipe you clean.

But. You. Can’t. So. Just. Move. Forward. 

Trust.

Pinky promise.

And you have access to my world.

My thoughts,

My memories.

And I’m more than willing to tell you.

Hunger is not a game.

You put up so many walls,

Jump threw my hoops.

Sit in the hot seat.

Make me believe I can trust you.

Who. Is. This. Kid. Who. Wants. To. Be. Apart. Of. My. Life?

When Will You Realize..

Reeking of smoke and disappointment.
Someone let you down.

You use the window; and slip out the back door.

Sometimes I look at you; and all I get is your hollowed eyes.
And I have to pick you up off the floor and will you back to me.

Your so far gone..
And your running the opposite direction.

Sometimes I find you; you with sailor's legs.
Vodka, Whiskey, and Chardonnay. 
It's all the same.

Under the table dealer.

I can smell it on your breath,
As you twist the sheets to your legs.
Your so lost.

I feel you shaking.
I'll  hold you forever.

Cold sweats and nightmares.
Bags under your eyes.

You never were one to fake a disguise.

Now I have to rescue you,
I'll get your dress.

All the while glaring your boyfriend down as I drag you to the couch.
I don't understand what you see in him...

You know what he wants,
And you're just willing to give it to anyone.
You want love.
And I understand..

"No. No. Look at me. Don't you let go of my hand."

You see his face; the one that got away.
He is not in the back of your mind, he is the first thing you think of when you wake up.
He is the one all your day dreams are about.
I know he is the reason why you wake up screaming and letting out shouts.

I love to see you wake up; sometimes I can tell you've been dreaming.
I can see the lights in your eyes.
I can see the old you.

But that's just the lightening before the heavy thunder.

It is a thunder of sobs.
And I brush your hair out of your eyes.
And I tell you that there is no such thing as final goodbyes. 

You walked right into my life,
You are completely faded.

I let you slide under the covers.
No questions asked.

I know you're trying to forget.
He is everywhere.

Tonight, it was laced.
And you had a freak out.
 I'm hoping you will make it to the morning light.

I can hear you.
I can hear your hollowed excuses.
Ribbons on wrists are in.
Sure.

But you need to take them off sometime.

Come back.
Come back to me..
Maybe this is a case of mistaken identity.

Maybe the real you is just a second away; and I don't want to miss it.

I don't want to miss the girl I once knew.
I miss the girl with the paw print tattoo.

I can see you are trying; and you've lost your fake smile.

I don't want you to fake it.
Because that is what it is.
Fake.

I'd rather have you how you are now.
I'll take you in my arms; all the broken pieces.

I'll kiss your forehead;
Wipe your tears.
I'll deal.
And when you ask me if this is all just a nightmare I'll look into those glazed eyes and say,
"I hope so. But for now this is real."

I know you'll see things.
Right now you feel like you don't belong.
And I'll just lay by your side and listen to one more sad love song.

You want someone to be there for you,
Not just the creations of your imagination.


Because people may see the truth slipping out.
And they may be by your side; if only for a moment.
But just like a mirage; in a moment they are gone.
Like they trust you to talk to them if something goes wrong.

But why would you?
They don't mean what they say.
They just don't want to feel guilty when they find out you no longer wanted to stay.

So let them read these stupid rhymes,
And maybe one day they will see; maybe they will realize,
This story is all about me.

 

Hurt Go Happy

The first think I ever learned to sign was,
"Hurt. Go. Happy."
Because I had read a book about a chimp, and that was the last thing he signed.

It means, that no matter what happens to me, I should be happy.
No amount of hurt should take away my smile at the end of the day.

When I am nervous I sign.
Or when I am scared I sign.

Hurt. Go. Happy.

 I remembered this today.

In the bathrooms after school,
A girl washed her hands then flicked the water into my face.
I snapped. I honestly did.
I beat on her till two girls pulled me off.

You could call it a girl fight if you want.
I bet that's what your thinkin'.
Or you're thinking,
"Damn, what an idiot."

Because that is what's running thru my mind.

Later on that evening,
While walking back from practice,
A girl slapped my ass.
And it HURT.

I acted on my emotions.
I yelled in her face,
And almost laid her our right there.

I apologized afterward.
But she really didn't have the right.

Memories pour in by the scars that are opened.
Maybe that is why I hurt so much right now..

It's a hard thing, being an actress.
Everyone is watching you.
So you better put on your mask.
That's your job.
The lights are hot; everyone is watching.
You have to be giving it your all.

That's my life, and I love it.
But the other part is..
Sometimes I'm just so tired of saying,
"Yes, Sir."
And,
"Thank you, Mam."
That I become a bitch to everyone the second I hit the showers.

I'm so tired some days I just want to throw my hair up in a bun and die.

As an actress I know that when you walk out those stage doors, your on your own.
You don't know the right thing to say or do.
Or how your story ends.
And that's what makes it worth while..


But then I remembered;
Hurt. Go. Happy.

I met a boy.
His name was Dylan.
And he listened to what I had to say. 
He gave me his number.
And he said to call him in December.

I'm sorry Dylan..
I'm sorry I didn't call.
I was too afraid..

You number is in my drawer; second from the bottom.

I met a boy.
He was deaf.
And I attempted to talk to him,
But he signed a bit too quickly for me to keep up.

He asked me,
"Name. You?"

And I signed my name and added,
" My. Sign. Name. Happy."

And I explained my story as best I could sign; some on a piece of paper.
But I finished by saying.
"I. OK. Hurt. Go. Happy."


And that couldn't be any more true,
Because that is what I have to do.

Nani Means Beautiful

 I thought about death, and my life so far.

But at my moment of introspection; I remembered a girl.

Her name was Erica. 

We were almost finished with second grade when she lost her battle with Leukemia.

I didn't understand why she didn't come back to school one day.

I didn't cry.

To me she was just...

Gone.

Gone like a girl who transferred schools, 

Or who would return with much anticipation after summer.

I just accepted how she wore bandanas over her head,

Or why her skin looked very transparent in a way.

I just accepted that one day the trees had pink ribbons tied around the branches.

It was her favorite color.

But, forgive me Erica.

I might be mistaken.

You were amazing.

As amazing as a second grader could be.

 

You were bold,

And I think about you often...

 

I remember how I had my first crush on your cousin,

And you always would plant yourself square in front of him; protecting him.

Very...

Motherly.

 

You intimidated me.

You were so strong.

 

...Did you know you were going to die?

And when I have thoughts like I had tonight, I feel so...

Ashamed.

 

How could I be wasting my life? 

 

Dear Erica,

I'll say a prayer for you tonight. I miss you.

We had a tennis mom.

And her name was Noe. 

She was on of those people you pray to God you have the opportunity to know in life.

 She had incredible faith.

 

At her memorial, the priest held up her Bible.

It was worn and heavily marked up.

 

He said, 

"She prayed for everyone. There is probably a prayer written just for you somewhere in these journals."

 

God, 

 I hope your taking good care of our angel..

 

Your cooking was heaven on earth, especially your pizza.

I remember your acrylic nails with Hawaiian flowers.

And I remember your doggie; perfectly groomed.  

I remember how you would talk to me about life and cooking.

Why didn't you tell us?

You were just...

Gone.

 

And this time,

I nodded my head to my dad across the table when he broke the news to me.

I said I understood.

But how could I really?

 

I had just accepted the fact that your hair was dramatically shorter; shorter than ever in your life.

I just accepted that you were skinnier; thinking it was a new diet.

 

I didn't accept the rumors that were going around about you having cancer.

You were so strong.

We all thought, "No. Way."

 

But then you were gone..

Noe,

You loved so hard and so so strongly. You taught me what it means to love.

Today I thought of you.

The school choir sang "Somewhere over the Rainbow."

And every time I hear that song,

I choke up.

I cry.

I think of you.

Because that was one of the songs that they played for your memorial. 

You were....

Nani. 

And so was your soul.

I have a family friend.

His name is Art.

He is like our uncle. 

He has been to every family gathering.

He has stage 4 throat cancer.

Doctors say he is not going to make it.

Dear God,

Please..Heal him.

He just smiles and hugs us.

Our relationship is unclear to others,

But crystal clear in the family.

He is my family. 

And I can't just accept his health fading.

I just can't accept all the coughing that you do..

I can't accept that I might be losing you.

We need to fight..

Fight for a cure.