Forgive Me, I'm A Liar. (But This Is MY Story)

I was looking for a change.

So I got on a plane.

Alone, and off into the uncharted places of my imagination. 

I had a bracelet; for unaccompanied minors.

I was under 15 so I was being watched carefully by the plane crew.

I sat in between two men.

One decided to sleep.

The other, decided to talk to me.

He touched at where my bracelet was wrapped and asked,

"What happened to you?"

I didn't understand. 

"What?"

"I mean...Is that a hospital bracelet?"

Then I realized.

He didn't even know my name.

I told him my name was Skyler. 

I was being shipped off to my aunt's for the summer because I had been in a mental hospital for the past 5 months for attempted suicide.

But I was stable and happy now.

I let pieces of my slip out.

I met a man in the tunnels of the airport. 

I told him my name was Amanda.

And I told him all my dreams.

And I told him I wanted to live in Colorado.

And I told him I could paint, and that I had lost a baby.

I told him I loved the color yellow.

And that I was allergic to cats.

I let pieces of me slip out.

I ran around and made up stories.

Because I loved how no one knew me.

No one even knew my name.

I met a woman in a taxi. 

I told her my name was Alex.

And that I did yoga.

And I hated thunder.

I told her I had a boyfriend, and he was quite brilliant.

I told her sometimes I imagined that M&M's were pain pills.

And I would take handfuls at a time anyways.

I let pieces of me slip out.

I met a man while walking my aunt's dog.

I told him my name was Isby.

I told him I could dance,

And had boys chasing me. 

I used to be ugly till I dyed my hair and caked on makeup.

But I had never been kissed.

I let pieces of my slip out.

I met a boy at the lake a block away.

I told him to call me Jay.

Because I didn't like my full name.

I told him that I was from California. 

And he looked amazed.

I told him that not everyone lived near the beach.

I told him that not everyone can surf and says, "Dude."

I told him I lived in a tiny town.

And a lot of people spoke Spanish.

I told him I was happy here.

And he complimented my impressive tan.

He has but a piece of me.

But he didn't even know my name.

I wonder if all my friends got together,

They would know my story?

They all have pieces of me.

But no one ever tries to put together my story..

Hm.

I met a woman in a parking lot; begging for change.

I sat beside her.

And she asked me my name,

And I told her it wasn't important.

Because a name doesn't define who I am.

I told her I was lonely. 

And that I always wanted to drive a motorcycle.

I told her that at 11:11 I wished for other people's wished to come true.

Because I'd like to think selfless wishes always come true.

I told her I had scares.

And she told me I was beautiful.

I gave her a piece of me.

I met a girl in a grocery store.

I told her I was a vegetarian.

And my first daughter I was going to name,"Sophie."

Because it was so gentle.

And I didn't want her to be hurt by the world and all its vastness. 

I told her that I would love to be her friend.

And that I wish I could hike with someone.

She had a piece of me.

But it was time to go.

And I still had one more story.

My story.

I sat on the plane and on a brown paper bag I began..

"My name is ...... And this is my story.."
But I realized...
I had already given it away.

Closing Time

Go to a restaurant.
Not a fancy one;
Just a restaurant.
Wear something nice.
A pair of heels will do.
Or maybe a tie for the lovely gentleman reading..

Go ahead and sit down, Why not grab a table?

Ask for a glass of water.
Be polite to the waiter, please.
Tug at your tie,
Chip away at your nail polish.
Don't order. Just wait.

Sit at the booth. counter, wherever you are.
Stay there idly for about 25 minutes.
That's how long I waited.
I waited for you to show up...

People start to stare,
Some leave,
Some are checking you out.
But they are all wondering...
Why are you alone?

And I begin to wonder the same thing.

This has happened to some people before,
And it really bites.
I didn't think I would become on of them.

I never thought I would be just a statistic.

• 8.3 million people under 18 have had serious suicidal thoughts in the past year.

• In the U.S., it's estimated that one in every 200 girls between 13 and 19 years old, cut themselves regularly.

•  7.7 million people have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

But everyone should love a bad pick up line.
 I do.

Go ahead and order now.
If your looking for a suggestion, try a chocolate shake.
Man, I love shakes.
I'm a slow sipper I have to admit.
20 minutes.
Look at the clock.
Stare at the people.
Try and not be awkward.
Waitress is getting a bit fed up,
She's trying to get you out of there by visiting your table regularly.

It's almost closing time,
And you've stood me up.
A whole hour and 23 minutes late to be exact.

I'd learned along time ago not to depend on others.
That it's OK to be alone.
But I love people.
I love.


But I'm just fine alone;
Alone to my thoughts.

Most of the time.

God, I miss you....

I would start coming back to that same place.
Little hole-in-the-wall place. 
The lady started to remember my name, and order.
Chocolate shake of course.

I ignored everyone.
Kept to myself and read.
One day an elder man sat down at my table.
He was nice.
Didn't say much.
Just read beside me.
And that is what we did.
Till one day...
He didn't come back.

I always wondered what happened to the man who would sit at my table just around closing time.

It's closing time.
But stay.
Stay listen to the people behind the counter.
One of the younger girls is very serious and focused.
The other looks to be the best friend.
She works the drive thru; always yelling over the old CD's that she refuses to turn lower on the player.


It's time to admit your gone.
It's time to admit that change is not coming tonight.
It's time to admit your friend is gone.
Were you not worth it?

But it's closing time.
And everyone is gone.

The Moment That It Stops

Life goes down the drain..
Life seems like Hell...
If only for a moment..

But maybe...
Maybe...
Life will go on.

How do you face the day when everything around you makes your heart ache?
Kmart makes me thing of you.
Candy isles make me think of  you.
My friends make me think of you.
All the pictures..
The way the screen lights up when it shows your name..
What do I do?

How will life ever go on?

My music makes me think of you...

Your just everywhere.

You were that ray of sunshine to brighten my day.

At Sea World, I noticed two little kids in security.
They had been separated from their family. 
But you know what made me smile?
The officer had two stuffed animals behind his back to give the kids; to make them OK.
One was a white seal.
The other was a tiny Shamoo whale.

You made me feel like that.
Like, without you I am completely lost.
When you come into my life, I know everything will be OK.

I need to come back into it.
I need a reality.

But life goes on.

Today,
I witnessed a first kiss.
 She was so giddy when she told me all about it,
And every time she turned around in her desk,
She had a goofy smile.
She jumped up and down and squealed.
She was glowing.
And,
So.
So.
Beautiful. 

It made me want to cry.
And it made me smile.
Because life is going on.

A relationship is like the roller coaster that your friends pressured you to get on,
They say that it will be amazing and perfect and that there is nothing that will hurt you.
But they are wrong...
And I just get off the ride disoriented and terrified of the rest of the rides to come.

But life just keeps going on..
It doesn't stop for anyone.

"Time To Make A New Plan Up Again.."

Grab for the walls,
I can't keep my balance.
You just knocked the wind out of me.

I'm trying to forget what you said,
I just want this all to be a dream.
Stay with me.

Your pictures line my walls,
And you occupy the deepest depths of my heart.
How can you be OK with this?
You broke my heart.

Come back..

If feels like,
Everything is just gone.
Who am I without you?

Am I that girl with the bottle in her palms?
Am I that girl biting the blade?

Because that's all I can ever remember being before you..

I think I'm going to be sick.

I was always afraid of this..
But we have been together so long I thought..
"This will never happen to me. Not again."

I hate being wrong.

Your not going to be here for me anymore.

Who is going to send me "Good morning, beautiful. :)" texts?
Who is going to protect me in their arms?
Your alright with this...
Your just going to throw me to the wolves.

I feel for my necklace, it is no longer there.
Instead, I'm grabbing for my sweatshirts.
There is now braille on my body.
 Please stop...
Not again.

What do I do?
I'm...Shocked.
I'm...Frozen.
I'm stuck in purgatory with you.

What if you forget that you loved me?
What if you get lost?
Romeo, Romeo....
I'm so confused.

I don't want to forget.
I've been through this all before..

It hurts.
You know?
Learning to forget.
You basically have to try with all your might to let them go..

But now I'm left with reality; a slap in the face each day.
 Weren't you the one who made the pain go away?
I have to un-love you.
Until one day, you'll be just a face to me..
I always hoped that you'd be my everything...

What happened to our future?
Our lives? 
Every time I see you I get butterflies.

I didn't let go of your hand,
You let go of mine..

But you deserve better; better than me.

Right now my heart is an open wound.
I guess it's time..
"Time to make a new plan up again..."

 

Courage to Grow

It seems like it was just yesterday.

That New Mexico desert was so far away.

That was a rough summer,

But she made it OK.

Invader Zim and Xbox. 

Boxer shorts and kisses.

I loved you.

You took me in; under your wing.

There was so much to learn.

It was nice knowing that there would always be someone to run to.

Someone who would hold me in their arms.

She loved me.

She was my mom.

She was my best friend.

She was the little crush in my heart that I could feel growing bigger each moment spent with her.

She was my strength,

And my defender. 

She saved my life.

She stood between me and the scary noise.

She taught me everything I know about boys.

She watched over me that summer.

The summer when New Mexico never seemed so far away..

She gave me tough love.

But she never yelled.

She knew that I was broken in some way.

And she knew exactly how to fix me.

She made me what I am today.

We would run thru thrift stores; hopelessly in love.

We would lay in bed; wrapped up in each other. 

..Talking about everything.

She took me in before I ever had the chance to be alone.

My parents didn't approve of you.
And this just made you laugh.

You were so..
Different.

Tomboy at heart.
You were one of the guys.

The first time I met you,
You scared me.
And I didn't like you.
 You were defiantly an acquired taste.

But I never had a chance..
It was obvious to see.
I was clearly madly in love with you.

We were inseparable. 
I was always,
"So-and So's friend."
But that didn't bother me.
I was beginning to make a name for myself.

I got dragged along to parties.
And introduced to so many boys.
And did things I would never do.

She was my courage.

Your always by my side,
But I see it changing..
I'm watching you take in people.
People who are just like my past.

 I want to be someone's courage.
I want them to live life.
Because, life's about living, right?

She gave me love like the ocean tides.
She took everything from me,
And she was willing to give my love back just as fast,
Multiplied.

She can feel the slightest changes in my mood,
I know it.

She can break right thru to me.
I'm dead serious.

She can tell by just the slightest tense of my body that I'm not OK.
She'll say, "It's one of those days again, huh?"
And we tackle the day together.
Hand in hand.

One hug at a time,
One step at a time,
One breathe at a time.

Because she knows.


We were walking one day and I said,
"You know I loved you right?"
And she smiled her flirty smile that I have seen her pull on a million boys and said,
"Yeah. I know."
And I always will..

 There was something about her.

I still love her.

I have her sweater,
She broke a pair of my shorts.

I have her heels,
And her bandanna.
Any thing that has her smell on it.
 It makes me feel safe on some nights.

I'm trying to keep her with me.
 Because those summers when I would lay:
 On the hood of her car,
In her arms crying,
On her tummy drinking soda,
In the isles of the stores,
On her couch with the latest boy,
In the alleys drinking Starbucks,
On my bed with the wind blowing,
I didn't know..


I didn't know during the summer when New Mexico was so far away..
I never imagined you would be taken away...

But England is calling.
And you I know you'll be fine.

You will find a girl just like me.
Who looks up at you with scared eyes..
And you know what...?
She will see you as her everything.
I promise you that..

You'll take her in your arms..
And you'll make her feel so special; like she is the only person worthy of your heart and love.
You'll look at her with those eyes, and she'll melt.
She'll tell you all her secrets.
And her fears,
And all her dreams...

You were like my guardian angel.
And you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I can't imagine you gone.
I can't.
I won't.

Because I'm just going to keep you in my heart forever.
If that's alright with you..

You are my courage;
My courage to grow.

Stupid Really Stupid..

Please don't ask me to stay,

That would be very selfish of you.

 

That just leaves me drowning. 

Lay low.

And read in between the lines.

Chemistry on your right,

Plastic plant on your left.

I've never felt so small. 

Look around the room,

And see the paintings of your peers.

Could you ever create something so beautiful?

Listen to the conversations around you.

No one tries to include me.

Not like I could relate to anything they are saying.

I've become too distant..

Too...

Unreachable.

Close your eyes,

And try and find your own little world.

 

Stupid. Really. Stupid.

 

Walk into a teacher's room.

They are the authority figure right?

They are suppose to be there to help you.

Then why do I hear things like,

"I'm not here to be your friend. I'm here to be your teacher."

 

Good. At least we are on the same page. 

Why do you try and help me?

Hypocrite.

"Can you help me?"

"I can, but come back later."

So here I find myself. 

Wanting to get out of here...

If I disappeared,

Would you care?

Would anyone notice?

If I had a funeral what would you say?

 

Would you say I was happy?

Brilliant?

Lost?

 

I can't imagine my funeral.

I don't want to.

Would you come?

Would you cry?

How would you word your final goodbye?

 

Please don't ask me to stay,

That would be very selfish of you.

Somewhere Between Nowhere And Somewhere

Searching..

Searching for a soul. 

To a stranger, everything looks the same.

The faces just blend with the pavement.

Town after town, same story.

A mirage; gone with the wind.

Dust and faded weeds cover the ground;

This is all to alike to my heart.

This place is a place that seems to be forgotten even by time. 

There is this quote,

"Everything has beauty.

You just have to find it."

and I believe if you look hard enough it will be reveled. 

Who are you to pass judgment on me?

This is my world,

And it's all I've ever known..

Living in the middle of nowhere.