Natural High

There is something about walking through life seemingly unseen.

Walking endlessly about, a drifter.

It is a natural high.

If you have never been high, or witnessed someone under the influence, you are fortunate, or unfortunate in a sense.

A high can be described in two ways.

The first: rushing, surging confusion, and out of control-ness.

Number two: a sense of peace, being, yet not being, you don't need to think, yet you may be vulnerable.

Still your content, feeling completely in control, or not. Which ever you prefer. 

And here is what the dictionary has to say:

1. having a great or considerable extent or reach upward or vertically; lofty; tall: a high wall.

 

2.having a specified extent upward: The apple tree is now 20 feet high.

 

3.situated above the ground or some base; elevated: a high platform; a high ledge.

 

4.exceeding the common degree or measure; strong; intense: high speed; high color.

 

5.expensive; costly; dear: The price of food these days is much too high.

 

Not completely off the mark I would say.

 

"Do you love this shit?"

"Are you high right now?"

"Do you ever get nervous?"

 - Drake

 

I think you should know reader, I don't do drugs.

Right now..

I'm walking through life kinda dazed. 

I wrote this in 5th period. It escapes my memory what we did.

Dazed, lost, whatever.

Have you ever been sleeping in the darkness and suddenly your mom flips the lights on?

Did you suddenly become angry? That's not what you wanted, right?

You wanted to stay in the dark, the coolness. 

You wish so much that the contentment filling your soul stay there like how the waves of the ocean trickle into the places between your toes ever so slowly and aw-striking. 

If you leave a tiger out in the sun, trapped, on a boat, and starved for weeks, barely getting by, provoked it with a stick and was bearing the massive canines it possessed at you but you didn't back off, that is how I felt today.

 

Who said I wanted my lights turned on?

 

I am like a deep sea fish.

I am the fish suddenly yanked from the depths of my home, my safety, my high.

 

 

A high is a numbness that over comes you. But atleast you are feeling something.

...Or trying not to.

I used to be wanting someone to notice, practically begging. 

But, no.

Not anymore. I'm content. I'm content with my constant battle.

I'm the tiger that  leaps into the depths of the unknown ocean.

Trying not to drown. 

 

But, in between your terror of drowning and accepting the fact you may not survive..

you learn to swim. 

 

It's going to be a good life, You & Me.

One of the best feelings ever is waking up to your boyfriend kissing your cheek and saying,

"Baby, wake up. It's your birthday!" While he puts balloons beside you.

On of the best feelings is when he pulls your hair back and braids it for you...

Because he knows you can't do it yourself.

You fall asleep to the rhythm of his hands moving through your hair on a warm day.

Over...Under...Over...Under.

"I won't give up on us,

God knows were worth it."

If you have never known love, your missing out.

Love can be defined a million ways, I know that.

But do you know what it is like to wake up to a 5 page paragraph about how incredible, beautiful, and amazing he thinks you are?

Do you fall asleep in his sweatshirt, still faintly tinged with his smell?

Old spice.

 Do you know what it is like to be scared half to death, in the hospital?

Your constantly throwing up, and crying but....

you instinctively reach for your necklace he gave you and feel comforted, even just a little, by the fact you know he's there for you.

I wear a key around my neck,

I never take it off.

He gave it to me for my birthday a year ago.

Do you know what it is like to be sick for homecoming, and  he comes over while your sniffling and in your sweatpants?

He dances with you...He lets you dance on his toes to your radio.

Some people say "relationships don't matter this young, you are just stupid and don't know what you guys are doing!"

Can you look me in the eyes and tell me he he doesn't love me?

Can you honestly look me in the eyes and say,

 "Leave him. Walk away and leave him."

Would your boyfriend say, "You cut yourself again and we are done."

Done.

I've been clean. 

What am I without him?

What happens when he was the better part of me?

Would your boyfriend stay with you if you were grounded for 3 months?

Would he call you every night?

When your crying on the end of the receiver feeling so damn guilty about him hanging on to broken ole me

Do you hear,

"Shhh....Shh Babe. We will be OK." ?

Does he get up at 4AM to take you to iHop?

One night, we were sitting on his couch..

He was playing with my rings on my fingers.

 He took one off and said,

"Will you marry me beautiful girl?"

Do you know what it is like to seal it with a kiss?

Do you know what that feels like?

 Do you know what it is like to have a belonging place?

I know my place, right there in his arms. 

Do you know the feeling of getting butterflies right before going out with him?

It has been 1 year, 3months and I get that feeling every time.

You ever had a date night?

"Hello?"

"Hey, go pick out a dress. Meet me out front in 10mins. I'll wear a tie."

You ever been taught to skateboard?

OK, it was an attempt. 

You ever feel your heart break a hundred times?

Every time he is dissapointed in me it hurts.

I try to make it better. 

"I won't give up on us,

even if the skies get rough.

God knows were worth it."

Have you ever been kissed?

Really kissed.

His hand behind your ear, that's my favorite thing.

Have you ever thought that maybe this boy will be your whole world?

Have you ever been dragged to a million action movies?

Have you ever seen a chick flick with him?

You ever tie dyed together?

Have you ever sat and talked about everything? And nothing?

We were on the top of a playground structure,

he was laying on my lap.

We were talking about the Bible.

We have different opinions on almost everything.

I asked, "How did we ever get together? What do we have in common?"

He is serious, and I'm a free thinker. 

 I pulled him backwards down the slide,

Jumped on him, wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him.

How can you tell me not to love him?

How can you tell me he isn't absolutely perfect?

Four months into our relationship, he told me he loved me.

I couldn't say it back.

I'm not stupid. I'm not one of those people who after two days say, "I'm SO IN LOVE WITH HIM!! :D"

God. I hate that. But, who knows? Maybe  it was love at first sight?

Have you ever had a formal dinner together?

Have you ever pained his toes?

Have you ever looked up at the stars from your roof together?

Do you know how amazing that is?

Do you know what it is like to have his family fall in love with you too?

Do you know what it is like when his neighbors know your name?

Do you know how it feels to be in love?

How does it feel when he knows all of your secrets? All of your flaws?

Have you ever been dozing in his arms, while he strokes your hair and hear him say, 

"I'm so in love with you..."

How can you tell me this isn't worth it?

It's going to be a good life..

"Give me a second, I need to get my story straight. My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state."

Everything I write, is much like the last.

It may seem like my stories are just many tragedies,

But that is not the way I see it at all.

I never had a diary.

I was always afraid someone would look at it.

I don't trust.

I don't trust just anyone with my secrets.

 Sixbillionsecrets..

If I let you into my life,

There is a reason.

You'd think I'd learn from my mistakes.

You tell someone what's wrong, and he tells the whole world your business. 

But I don't learn.

So here is your test world, hope you pass.

 

Any where. As long as it always leads back to you.

 

Take me somewhere,

Any where.

As long as it’s always leading back to you.

Pressing my cheek to my cup, feeling warmth and letting out an even warmer smile.

I know you’ve been hurt, here’s what I’ll do.

I’ll get a little closer,

I’ll look a little deeper,

And help you find those things I love about you.

Your eyes change colors,

My eyes tell stories.

You’ve seen all my mistakes.

Now look me in the eyes.

I’d heard stories,

That didn’t stop me,

I know the truth.

But why don’t it haunt me?

You’re trying to run from that,

I know you’re done with that.

Silent movie,

That’s what we are.

No longer needing words,

That just makes things more complicated,

Like Inception.

I lay against you,

Seeing you,

Seeing the world,

My world.

I’d rather not look at the pictures I take,

I’d like to imagine that my smile isn’t crooked.

I’d like a camera that can capture the happiness I feel.

A perfect Kodak moment.

Let’s take a drive,

Seventeen hour drive to nowhere,

Each moment leads us closer to our place in heaven.

Maybe I should have been born blind,

Maybe then I would have a greater appreciation for touch.

I’m overly sensitive to touch,

Not desensitized like many may think.

So much of my life,

I’ve convinced myself was nothing?

Sitting cross legged and crying,

Writing all my secrets,

And then putting a match to them.

It’s all the same memories anyways.

Sing to me,

Let me dance on your feet,

Make me feel like I have given you a reason to stay,

When all I had given you in the past was reasons to run away.

Take me somewhere,

Any where.

As long as it always leads back to you.

Model in my Mind

It is an easy thing to do, modeling.

It is easy to walk a runway wearing almost nothing.

People stare at you like the cover of a book.

So it's not a shocking thought that people might just be judging us models like a book's front cover.

It is not shocking that people think they know us.

It is like buying a book but deciding only to skim the cliff notes.

You know nothing about me.

If you walked in my shoes, would you survive? 

Do you know what it is like to eat a granola bar a day? Maybe two?

Have you ever said to yourself, "OK, I'll eat this 100 calorie bar and burn off 200 on the treadmill."   

Have you ever collapsed from lack of food?

Will you look that model in the eyes?

Can't you see when my lights went out?

There is something about modeling...

Something about everyone looking at your outside and they can't see all the broken pieces inside...

I like that.

Modeling is easy. Living is hard.

I have my good days. I have my bad ones.

I can see the flaws on myself.

Sometimes I am accepting of them,

Sometimes.. .

Sometimes....

Sometimes.... I...

I can't.

Sometimes....

There are no words for how I feel.

There are only the memories that play in my head...

"Ugly."

"Fat."

"Worthless"

People can be so cruel.
That is a fact.

I cut my hair.
You know? When things are bad?
I cut my hair.
I cut my bangs.
I'll take off length..
I'll cut a millimeter off...
Just to feel different.
Just to feel like everything is OK...

So...
Now you know something you didn't know before. Something, personal.

This
All
Makes
Me
Want
To
Cry.


This is just my story. Please,
Just Listen.

"You Jump I Jump"

I remember..

I remember calling you at 1am.

You were my last hope, my final push for the surface.

Maybe you could save me from myself.

That's a funny thought.

I was perfectly aware of myself.

It should be called,

"Saving yourself from the world."

Because isn't it the world that made me want to do this in the first place? 

I remember us crying,

"You jump I jump."

We told each other everything,

Everything the world had done to hurt us.

Every blow that ever hit us...

Every match that ever burned us..

Every boy who ever hurt us...

Every pill in our cabinets that we knew in the back of our minds..

Might one day kill us. 

So here we are now.

I've taken the beaten path, but somehow everything turned out smooth.

We took this road together, forever intertwined in each others lives.  

Now we are in this situation...

The worst part about going to this school,

Is that it is too far away from you.

I cried, and I cried.

And now I find out you tried to take your life.

...On Facebook. 

I promised you that I wouldn't let the world hurt you.

I can still hear the word's ringing in my ears..

"You jump I jump."

That's what you told me..

So that's what is going to happen..

You jump, your jumping with my heart in your hands.

you'll take all the love in my heart,

and you'll take all the hope from my eyes.

You saved my life, and I don't  have a damn idea how to save yours..

Don't jump.