And He Told Me We'd Name Her Ireland

I stood by my kitchen sink,
I scrounged through the empty drawers.

I heated up another night's dinner consisting of Top Ramen.  
I prayed, "God, don't let him hit me again. Please. Thank you. Amen."

I remember the days when I believed in love,
But it's alright.
Don't worry.
I'm fine.

I remember laying on the beach,
Two couples kissing in harmony.

I remember the touch of his hands, Dear.
I remember him wanting me.

I asked him, "What if I get pregnant?"
He said,"Don't worry, Baby. It's fine!"
And he told me we'd name her Ireland.

I really thought we had a future,
But it turns out our relationship was just an example of internal destruction of Cupid's architecture. 

He left me alone,
And I thought, "Just let me die here."
There was a baby inside of me.

I sat in the heat of day,
All my options spiraling around in my head.
I knew that I had made my own bed.

He left me for some life; a life that stayed very near.
This life came with a slut named Layla.
Days later, I wore a black veil.

It turns out that's just how our story turned out; a broken fairy tale.

Everything I knew had been turned upside down.
So, I went to go jump of a bridge.
There was a man running in the fog.
But I couldn't see him, because of all the smog.

In the distance I heard, "Don't worry, Baby. It's fine!"
While I felt two arms wrap around me.
I knew, I wanted him to be mine.

He said, "I've always loved the name, Ireland."
And that was good enough for me.

This man, he taught me how to dance.
And I couldn't believe my luck now.

I'd been given another chance.

He wasn't the man of my dreams,
I'll make that very clear.
But if I wished it to be so; I wished very hard,
It was as if life had dealt me all the right cards.

When the times get rough,
I close my eyes and think.
I think about my future.
And I think of my unborn baby girl.

Ireland is the place that I have always wanted to be at.
I want to admire all the gingerly hair.
I will run with the dogs that hunt wolves. 

The gentle man told me to keep my head up.
While he sang me down to sleep.
I thought I'd never see the day.

So...

I'll name my baby Ireland.
That way I'll be able to see the land of a thousand welcomes everyday.
I'll greet my infant with joy.

The lad reassured my fears that everything I thought I knew was wrong.
But he said,"Baby please try and see, that I'm going to try my best for you and me."
I needed to be Wych Elk tree strong.

I prayed to God.
He communicated to me that we will one day move into the highlands.

I don't think about him much these days
Because he doesn't mean a thing anymore.

That name sounds so beautiful.

It's funny how I once imagined him to be my future husband.
It was on that night when I slept on his chest; when I held his hand in my hand.

And he told me we'd name her Ireland.

Midsummer Night's Dream

Grass under my bare feet,
Two brothers and a sister by my side.
I look past the holes in the backyard fence,
Knowing that not far away is the boy and girl that made me the victim of their love's hit-and-run.

A hammock swings, occupied.
Every exhale is noticeably tinged with the smells of beer.
But it is my older sister who is glowing.
It is a comfort to her knowing we are here.

Walking inside,
The cake has been neatly dissected with only a few flipped over casualties;
Those pieces are simply left unclaimed and rejected.
Champlain is being poured as the young couple smiles.
The rest of the family and I pour a glass, getting a nice buzz on for awhile. 

We stand in the corner of the kitchen;
Politely shaking hands with the men and woman who claim to know us.
We reminisce; laughing a great deal.

Our stomachs mumble as strength leaves us.
Everyone is leaving.
The busy mother of the bride wraps up to go bags for those who depart early.
The father of the bride is nowhere in sight.

Glass shatters; an heirloom is broken.
Fortunately, my oldest brother puts himself out there for me, taking the blame.
Beer cans drop on the floor,
And it is laughs all around.
How very little there is to worry about.  

I've never liked lasagna.
Until I ate it in the dark.

There is a very high possibility that I will never love a lasagna as much as I loved that one.

All other guests have finally cleared out.
Leaving just a jumpy mother and the rest of my siblings.
I came to terms along time ago that this man would one day become my brother.

The backyard is lit with dangling lights.
Candles illuminate the tables.
We eat in the darkness; but not in silence.  

Pandora takes the role of entertainment.
It is an endless cycle of the songs I grew up with.
Jackets and coats engulfed all of us,
While I caught the table on fire.

The croaking of frogs make us feel like we are in a different time and place,
Occasionally knocking back another cold one,
We would tell another story.
I'd give anything to have stayed forever, in that moment.
Everything was perfect.

It was a midsummer night's dream.

Notes To God

If I could pass notes to God,
Oh, what would I say?

Would He write back telling me to get my shit together?
Would He say to go out and find another way?

Does He know how much I'm hurting?
Can He see my tears that I'm crying?
God...
Is the Bible lying?

Why aren't You here?
I'm doubting everything.
I'm even doubting You.

Lord, please tell me that You are going to come through..

Do You love my honesty?
I want to shriek, " GOD HELP ME!"
I need You to clear up such a large cloud of confusion that has been surrounding me.

I pass notes to God,
They come in the form of prayer.
It would help me if you would write me back.
Check YES or NO if You are there.

What's Your plan for me?
I don't know which way to turn.
So, I am going to run to You.
Do you need me too?

What would He say to a poor girl like me?
I'm falling down on my knees for judgment.
I want to spend the rest of eternity with You.

I'm writing a note to God.
But all that I can force out is,
"God, I miss You."

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

I'm leaving.
Just trying to find a way out of here.
Don't know which way to go.
But I'm leaving on a jet plane.

Smile for me.
There's a fresh pot of coffee brewing.
When the coffee's cold,
I'll already be gone.

I'll hit the road.
You hit the books.
And maybe we will see each other again one day.

Hold down the fort,
While I go out and find a better version of me.
Thank you for being so understanding.
But I'm leaving on a jet plane.

Close your eyes,
And search your heart for me.
I'll never be farther than a phone call away.

Let me go.
And babe, please be happy.
Why me?

I'll be back again someday.
But don't hold your breath.
I've had enough promises for a life time.
I know what it is like to have backs turned, and doors shut in my time of need.

I'm leaving on a jet plane.
Not sure which way to go.
You'll have to guess,
Just like in a traveler's game of Russian roulette. 

Don't tell me that you'll wait,
I don't know if I will be coming back.
Times are changing,
People too.

But close your eyes,
Search your heart for me.
When I close my eyes I remember that soft smell of beach on you.
I really will be missing you.


We will both wake up one morning,
Looking for one another.
It will hit us.
The other person is gone.

 Not for long..

I try really hard not to make promises I can't keep.
No need to wait for me,
I might not make it back from across the world like you expect me to.

I'm leaving on a jet plane.
I have my ticket in hand.
I don't want to hurt you,
What happens if you find out I've found another man?

Let me see you one more time,
Keep the love inside my heart warm.

You've got me beat on the troubles ahead that you will face.
Don't take my word lightly, but that is how I will tread.
I'm leaving on a jet plane.

I'll be standing at the gate,
I'll turn to face you, maybe next time I see you is judgement day.
Bundle up and let loose.
I hate that you have to go.

Where does this plane take me?
What am I leaving you to?
The adventures don't end for us here.

Smile.
Please don't follow me.
It may seem pretty far,
You could never get there in a cable car.

Spin the globe,
Think of me.
Think of the days when we won't have to worry about being worlds away.

Smile.
And if you ever want to find me.
I'll be missing you too..
Close your eyes, search your heart for me.
That's where I will always stay.

But today,
I'm leaving on a jet plane.

 

They Forgot About Me

I was waiting,
It was just a waiting game for you.
Because you never showed up,
Even though you promised to.

You promised again,
And pretended to be sorry.
But I know you weren't.

I just held back tears and said,
"It's OK. You just forgot about me.."


I'm spinning.
No one is stopping,
Because they forgot about me.

I want so badly to push everything away,
Because no one ever asked me to stay.
I want to scream.
I didn't want anyone to leave.

Did I push you all so far?
Did you ever thing about how your decisions effected me...?

Obviously not.
You just forgot about me.   

I'm used up.
Misplaced,
Left in the corner,
While you wait for me to have a brighter perspective on life.

I think I'm addicted,
To believing that everything turns bad.
But who can really blame me?

I was forgotten you see.

Cars pull in,
Not one looks familiar to me.
Could it be?
Was I forgotten once more?

I walk on,
In a town where it is possible that I am easily recognized by people passing.
But a face like mine is easy to dismiss from your mind.

These thoughts,
They are constantly running through my soul.
I scream once more inside.
My name will one day me forgotten with time.

Don't forget about me,
And how much our friendships made me believe,
That maybe you wouldn't be the same;
The same as those people over there.

They forgot about me..

Don't Look Back

You walked through the streets today,
Wearing the same pair of jeans you were the day that you got kicked out..
Your face is dirty; a mix of tears and sweat.
Things will get better,
So don't look back.

I've found that the less money you have, the happier you are.
I've come to realize the difference between what I want and what I need.
That doesn't always stop me from obtaining what I want.
And when people ask,
"Do you need some money?"

I smile and say,
"Nah. Just pray for me."

I admit,
It's hard.
But it is your choice how much harder it gets on you.
You understand?

Having bare feet is one of the things that I used to love,
And wearing tennis shoes with an everyday outfit was taboo.
But these days, no shoes results in rocks and glass in your feet..

You do what you have to do.

There is a place in town,
Where there plaques with writing on them pined onto the brick walls.
They say things like,
"Spa."
"Backyard."
"Kitchen."
And, "Bedroom."

It's just a field behind a beat up 7-11,
But that is usually where you will find me. 

I like to imagine,
That these places exist.
The neighborhood kids like to play along too.

Asked one of the older kids,
She was probably eight or nine,
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

She told me that she didn't know.
But when she did know,
"I'll take it, and run with it."

That's how I see my life,
Right now it may just look like a collection of different fights.
Or a bunch of different jerky twist and car crashes.
But that's life.

You take it,
Run with it,
And don't look back.

  

You Caught Me Saying Sorry..

I think I should tell you,
On nights like this..
I really miss you.

I'm sorry your fight came to an end..

But a, "sorry" really doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't fix anything.
Doesn't change anything.

You are gone..

I'll light up a paper bag for you;
Drawing your face,
Trying my hardest to describe your love.
Crayons cannot do you justice. 

I miss you so much...

I miss you.
I want you to guide me.
Somewhere.
Anywhere..

I remember crying in my room saying,
"Noe, please don't die."

Chalkboard thoughts,
Repeating through my mind.
"Don't go."
"I miss you."
"Don't go."

"DON'T GO!"

But then you did...

I know you don't want me to cry for you.
But I have to,
Even though you never asked me too.

Most nights..
I don't know why,
But my mind turns to you.

My mind turns to how beautiful you were,
And how special you were to everyone, including me.

I need you...
I needed you to stay with me.

It hurts.
It hurts so bad.
But all I hear is nothing..
And sometimes...
That makes me mad.

I'll see you in Heaven.
There will be a smile on my face;
You wait and see.

Are you watching over me? 

I'm strong,
And you are too.
You caught me saying sorry.
But all I want you to hear coming from my lips is,

"Noe, I love you."

Daydreamer

I am a daydreamer,
I just let my thoughts go without a word.
You can't see my insides;
You can't see how much it hurts.

It's not reality,
But I love what I have.
So please don't be startled when a smile crosses my face,
Or I laugh.

I'm lost in my thoughts.

Go to sleep little daydreamer.

I wake up in the morning now,
Crossing my legs.
I take in the sunlight; streaming on my face. 

I thank God that it is the warmth I feel instead of tears falling down.

I want a belonging place.
I want that place to feel accepted;
A place slightly tinged with love. 

It's funny how the places in my mind that scared me,
Now make me feel so safe.

I'm not always here,
But in the best kind of way.
This is the place where I really want to stay.

"Hush little daydreamer..
Hush..
Go to sleep."

I fade in-and-out.
I'm so sorry.
These kinds of things just happen to me.

I don't think I'm that dangerous.
I'm not a threat to the world.
Sometimes these things are just out of my control. 

It's all broken pieces,
Broken pieces of me.

Visions.
Puzzling thoughts,
& half completed memories.

These thoughts just consume and take over me. 

Skinny Dipper

I ran beside you tonight.
I looked into your crystal blue eyes; illuminated by the full moon's light.
My eyes only grew darker as the night drew in the darkness.
Because I know tonight I can get lost in you,
Never having to think about me.
Who I am,
And what I have done..

None of that matters.

I snag on the barbwire, as my bracelet made from yarn and beads holds me back.
I find it to be very symbolic.
I'm caught on the borderline.
It is the borderline between my past and my peace of mind.

I hesitate,
Just for a moment.

I slit the bracelet down the middle.

Another bridge burned as I continue crawling on my way;
Under marked off areas and caution tape,
Ignoring the signs I no longer care to read.
Those signs had held me back.

I held onto my fears and "what if's" when I stayed on the safe side.
But not tonight.
Tonight I kept running.   

I find peace in the way the darkness hugs my curves.
No boy could ever envelop me so perfectly.

I'm naked.
But at the same time I've never felt more concealed.

I walk toward the water.
I stop at the point where the sand turns to mud; letting it seep in between my toes.

I laugh.
Because I've never felt more beautiful.

Someone comes up behind me,
Brushing his fingers through my dramatically shorter hair.  
I tug at the tips,
And when I turn...

No one is there.

I let my self feel tired.
Laying down on the bank,
I sleep.
When I wake up,
I have been crying.
And this time,

There is someone holding me.

I sit up.
And he tells me to go into the water.
I can't swim.
But it doesn't matter.
Because he slowly begins nudging me in.

I let myself go, as the water swallows me up.
I don't think I even made a ripple in the water.
I'm not fighting anymore.

Everything feels so cool and dream like.
As if I could get lost in this world,
And never have to return to the surface.

I dive farther under,
When I look up,
I am not afraid.

I am too far gone.
So I stay suspended in contentment.

I know that when I return to the surface and ask,
"Did you miss me?"
I will only get a shocked reply of,
"Oh! You were gone?"

Tonight,
The world was mine.

I wait for the moment when I can feel my lungs are about ready to burst.
I pull my legs under me, like a ball being held under.
I'm practically waiting for a referee to blow a whistle; signalling some kind of foul.

I push for the surface,
Because lately water seems to be my worst fear.

The first thing I see,
Is my own face being reflected back at myself.  
It's coming from two blue eyes that have been searching for me. 

The water laps up around us,
He's pulling me close.
I can feel his steady breathing on my neck; steam's on the lake from our soft voices colliding.

My body is tight,
Most likely from the cold chill present on this summer night.

My hair lets beads of water drip down,
Reminding me of my total bareness.
Tonight I will sleep in sheets laced with a spider's delicate web.

I will lay on my back,
Finally in touch with myself.
I kissed the air,
And kissed my own broken heart; hoping that my own kiss holds the same power to heal as others.

I know it isn't fair,
To expect you to know what I want.

But I lay here tonight,
Eyes closed and excepting;
Ready to give myself to you.

His hands are around my waist,
But this time, no one needs to hold me up.

I'm going to swim on my own. 


 

Wildfire

There is a bridge going nowhere;
Know where it leads.

You ever played with fire?
Lit a match?
Of course you have.

My body is a tree,
And the world keeps trying to cut me down.
But if a tree falls willingly in her bedroom...
Will it make a sound?

The only time I have control over anything,
Is when I write.
Most of my time is spent writing.
Because maybe if I acknowledge it.
It will go away..

Just maybe.

My heart is a wildfire,
When I scream no one is around..
No one is really listening anyways..
But if you are,
Could you tell me now?

My rings of age; sprung up from many trials,
Can be found on my wrists.
Neatly placed.

None were mistakes;
Just the people who caused them.

Knives were held to my face,
So I just lifted my hands in the air; signaling my surrender.
Why do you think trees reach for the sky?

The wind just blows right through me; never thinking anything of me.
What a mistake.
I shouldn't have let the world run right over me.

Fire dances up my spine,
Wrapping all around me until the only thing to put out the fire is a rain of blood.
It's a vicious cycle.
Because my fires never truly die..


The smell of smoke; especially that of a freshly lit match,
Makes my whole body awaken.
When that match touches my skin,
I feel like I can focus.

Even though my whole world has been shaken.

Do you know how sick this all is?
Sick.

That is the only word to describe me & you.

Wait.
Wait JustListen.
I have a question!
Who on Earth are you talking to?

I'm talking to myself.
I'm not talking to anyone.
I'm not telling my secrets anymore; I'm done.

I'm looking for the antidote,
For this rare tree disease.

I don't want to be:
 Ill,
Diseased,
Unwell,
Or morbid anymore.

I am a one woman wildfire. 
It's all this hate inside of me.
Who is coming to my rescue?
It makes me even angrier thinking of all the things I should have said to you.

I took the liberty of carving your initials into my tree trunk.
How many night has it been since I haven't gone to bed wishing I were drunk?

I'm suffocating everywhere I go.
Because you took away all the air.
Do you really think this is fair?

Children climb over me,
Snapping me out of my daze.
But my wildfire heart takes all the good out in a fiery blaze.

In the night time I am left with nothing,
Maybe a bottle of empty promises,
And the forgotten hopes of a better tomorrow.

My heart is a wildfire.
You knew how to lite it so well.

My wrists are just sawdust;
Chopped down by your disrespect for me.

My soul is this tree trunk,
If you knock, you'll find it hollow.

If you looked closely at my words,
You'd know that I don't want to see you tomorrow.

This One's For J (Yes You My Dear..)

I am the oldest ballerina.
When I get up on that stage,
I will have to turn my face away,
Because the girl who I'd always watched up on that stage,
Is not going to be in the front row watching me..

What am I suppose to say?
What do you expect me to do?

Darling I hope you're reading this
You know, the girl who's making my life Hell?

Yes, this one's for you. 
So focus on every line,

J,
Listen well.

Are you reading religiously everyday?
Hoping your name won't "pop up" on my blog?
Don't worry, it won't.

Actually, I would be worried..
But you know..
That's just me.

I'm not worried about what you think.
And I'm not afraid to die.

Are you going to remember the last words I ever said to you?
What's that?
Your shitty attempt at goodbye?

Is there something wrong with me?
I ACTUALLY thought that I DESERVED what you did to me.

..What you are doing to me.

I don't.
I don't deserve this.

And I'm sorry this isn't a pretty little poem.
I'm sure I could rewrite it if you'd like..
But I feel like I need to get a point across to you.

You don't need to dissect a rhyme of mine.

How do you think I feel!?

What did I mean to you?
Clearly not enough.
What did you think I was crying about?
I'm just boxing up your stuff.

Really?
Really...
What kind of fucking best friend are you?

"A terrible one."
 Yeah.
Those are your words too.

Yours.
Mine.
Everyone.

Do you think that's the way to earn respect around you?

I'm not coming back.
Got it?

I don't care if he knocks you up and leaves you on a corner. 

Whose side do you think people will take?
Will they listen to your pathetic love story?
Or will they believe in me?

Fuck it.
Just someone tell me what is wrong with me!

I tried to die.
I tried to die for you.
I tried dieing for everyone around me who took back that,
"I love you."

I guess that just makes it suicide attempt number: 2.

Why is it that everyone is just leaving me?
I'm not sure what else to do..

Please tell me.
What did you think?
I know you weren't thinking of me.

You suck.
So get me away from here.

Will you come to my funeral, lovey?
I just hope they won't both be on the same day.
Because now I know whose funeral people would rather attend.


They will cry over the casket of the girl who's last hope was murdered by her best friend.

Have you ever seen an animal that has been hit by a car?
It's sad.
But so interesting at the same time.

It automatically knows it is dieing,
But it still scrapes at its surroundings to hold on to life.

You know it won't survive.

That's what it is like for me.
You knew I wouldn't make it.
So why not put me out of my misery? 

It's not me putting this gun to my head; it's you.
Yeah, you.

These pills in my hands were prescribed in your name.
But thanks for offering it up like free candy.

What lead me down this path?
That is something I often ask...

I don't even want you back anymore.
Neither of you. 
I'll just get out of your way.

I wrote a list,
The list that caused my downward spiral.
Are you on that list?

Don't worry.
You'll find out in a little while.

It twists and it turns,
A snowball effect if you will.

Just because I'm telling you this story,
It doesn't mean I'm coming out alive. 

So come on,
Bring it.
Put me out of my misery. 

Chicken Noodle Soup For A Cold Soul

I'm falling asleep at the wheel,
So I just kept smiling at all the insecurities of life.
While you are in the fast lane in front of me,
Ready to be done with me.

I need some chicken soup; chicken soup for a cold soul.

So I bundle up,
Because lately I've never felt so cold. 
I'm cold on the inside,
And I can't really tell you why..

I'm so sorry.
I'm giving up on today.

I'm giving up on today,
Forever & always,
And tomorrow.
I don't want to continue on drowning in my sorrows..

It was too much to take,
I was beginning to break.
So, I gave into you.

How did you pick your heart's broken pieces up?
Can you teach me how?

Five sweatshirts isn't enough.
I've thrown all my socks on.
But still the fire inside me is gone.

I'm sick.
Really sick.

I made some chicken noodle soup,
Hoping it would brighten my perspective.
But it did nothing but make me place my hands over my tummy; and up to rub my ribs..
All it did was make me feel ashamed.

So I prayed that I wouldn't make myself throw it back up.

If I die,
I hope that they connect the dots.
That way it will lead right back to you.

I stumble often,
And I fall even more.
I collapsed and had to tremble; pulling myself up by the refrigerator door.   

Do you think they make a soup for
Such
A
Cold
Soul
As
Mine?

Please don't listen when I say,
"Don't worry, I'm fine."

Did you really believe everything those people said?
Dig a little deeper,
I'll show you the real me.

My soul is cold.
I just wanted to feel something..
So I let you have me.

Run away.
Go ahead and write a "tell all" about me.
Of course, you think you know so much.
But you don't know anything.

I need some chicken soup for a cold soul..

My head keeps throbbing,
This world is spinning; though I'm not even moving.
I am shaking.

I was so sick of being strong...
And now I'm so weak I'm sick.

Am I confusing you?
Too bad.
Keep up.

They should invent a game.
Call it:
 Connect the Scars.

Do you think you're name would pop up in my life's mystery?

Suicide notes can be so..
Thought provoking.
Don't you think?

You'll try your best to dissect it.
But will you truly understand it?
Of course not.

You don't have all the pieces.

I know what you did.
You found a million and one ways to hurt me.

Don't let me go...

I'm drowning.
Maybe I'm suffering from hypothermia..
When you reached out to grab my hands,
Did you notice how cold they had become?

Promise me you will never say goodbye?

I need some chicken soup,
Because my thoughts are becoming bolder.
The look in my eyes is becoming older..
My soul is becoming colder..

I need some chicken soup for a cold soul.