I Found This In A Dresser Drawer..

Side Notes of Insanity

You look back.

And see a world. 

A world not worth even imagining; this world has people in it.

People but no places; a world with many repeating faces. 

You see people changing, 

Learning, 

Moving on without you.

So you are compelled to bolt away from tranquility. 

Or maybe it is just that chaos found you whether you imagine it or not, it is there. 

Circles.

Voices. 

Feeling. 

Secrets.

Imagine.

Imagine my world.

 Laying in bed at night. 

Don’t leave me to myself because that is when I get to thinking. 

Thoughts running, 

Running.

 Maybe that is what I am chasing.

 Running down a thought that you cannot yet put into words, 

Chasing away a memory, 

A reality, 

A mistake.

 I’m going back to the start. 

Side notes of insanity. 

Look in the mirror.

 Do you go crazy?

 For along time you can’t take the person starting back at you. 

Vivid. 

Vivid what? 

Dreams.

Day dreams. 

Lose yourself. 

Find yourself.

 See the beauty.

 See the fears.

 The world isn’t bad. 

There is the girl. 

The girl with many faces,

Many dreams, 

Many stories.

 What makes something beautiful?

 Glimpses of heaven. 

Someone told me that is what beauty is.

Not necessarily on a person but in the world. 

Somehow different. 

Imagine.

Happiness.

Happiness. 

Back to my world. 

A world seen almost through two sets of eyes. 

Remember.

Remember everything. 

Don’t put it on paper. 

Do you trust me?

 Don’t worry. 

Don’t worry. 

Why run.

That’s not a question.

 That’s a statement. 

Why hide. 

Why doesn’t she trust me?

How have I ever hurt you? 

When have I lied to you? 

Protected.

 Run.

Run. 

Run where?

 Don’t face the future. 

Your ready. 

You’re an idiot. 

Speak the truth. 

Fight for it; 

It’s not ok to say that. 

Your never leaving here. 

Watch me fall into insanity. 

Too late been there. 

I’m not insane.

I just really like the word. 

Something poetic about it.

 What if you knew? 

What is there to know?

What is my life? 

Let me think. 

Let me think.

 Make a wish,

Take a chance. 

Make a memory,

 Do it right. 

Are you happy. 

Yes.

 Hope. 

Pretty word. 

Ready set go.

 Find it. 

Chase it.

 Go. 

My life. 

There is the past. 

That is the past, how did you make it into my fears? 

Name a fear?

 No. 

No thanks.  

 Where is my past, the past I want to keep?

 The one with the friends. 

The friends that need to listen

.

 The one’s that have finally opened their eyes. 

You ready to listen? 

What do you do?

 What do you do when you lose what you worked hard to find?

 The people you just fit in with; and came to the realization that you don’t.

 Show me some memories. 

What do you say when you realize you have no one?

 What’s it like to hit a low point. 

What is it like when they say your just a kid?

 Are you saying it is going to get worse? 

Pick yourself up don’t blame the world. 

Smiles.

 Faces. 

Faces.

 Faces with names. 

Grateful. 

Gratefulness when it could be worse.

 Listen.

 I’m good at that.

 You listen. 

Stop me.

 Not you. 

Run.

 Run. 

Running races. 

I’m missing you.

 The girl who made me something. 

Who cared. 

Cares? 

Are you the girl? 

Are you the girl I held? 

Are you the girl who I held while she cried?

 You cried about the mistakes while I think, 

“This just doesn’t happen to people. Not us.”

 Are you ok?

 Are you starving yourself? 

Are you loading on the make up that makes you look beautiful? 

I know your secrets.

 Your smile says “Oh look it’s you.”

Your eyes; fear.

 I know your deepest fears; darkest secrets.

I return your fake smile with love. 

Love and sympathy

I’ll always be here for you.

 How could I not?

 Secrets.

 I know yours. 

I could give a secret for almost everyone I know for more than a month. 

Why? 

Listen. 

I listen.

 Who knows my secrets? 

Who knows?

This is all just;

Side notes of insanity. 

Dear Me

Dear me,

                You. Were. Prettier. Last. Year.

Write.

Write something until you feel.

Feel something.

Just wanting to belong,

To something,

Anything.

Anything is a risky word.

I’m done.

A risky sentence.

You were prettier last year.

It’s my fault anyway.

I’ll never know those famous last words.

No one needs to be misleading.

No one ever meant to be.

This way, you’ll always be there for me.

Hug me,

Kiss me,

Look at me with those eyes like an abused puppy.

I’ll always be in love with you.

Mirror eyes,

That’s what you have.

You are what I am.

You were what I became.

Like. I. Know. What. Am. I. Even. Talking. About.

Cry.

Mommers.

Go ahead.

I have.

Dear god,

Do you cry for me?

Pop me some pills.

Insane asylum,

Loony bin,

Psychology ward?

I’m in.

Is. This. All. You. Can. Write. About.

No.

Is. This. All. You. Can. Think. About.

No.

I’m in love with my best friend,

And it’s not you.

You’ll walk away too...

Dear spell check,

Apparently you can’t tell between an essay’s format and a crazy person’s thoughts scribbled out.

Eternity’s mystery

Running through my mind

Indescribable

Can’t seem to find you.

34.

I think that’s my number.

Let’s make it 35?

Don’t leave,

I know I’m not reason enough to stay.

But, you were mine.

You. Already. Knew. I. Was. In. Love. With. You. Though. Huh?

So what is it you really have to say?

It’s just a feeling, Doc.

What is it that you want?

I want to be out of control.

Maybe then I would have a reason for feeling out of control.

How poetic.

This is what you do:

You change your self.

Cut your hair,

Change your make up,

What is it that you WANT.

Why is it I have a hard time letting people in?

No, that’s not it.

Listen to me.

But. No. One. Cares.

I wish I could forget all the bad.

Like when you go to church and repent,

God would just wipe you clean.

But. You. Can’t. So. Just. Move. Forward. 

Trust.

Pinky promise.

And you have access to my world.

My thoughts,

My memories.

And I’m more than willing to tell you.

Hunger is not a game.

You put up so many walls,

Jump threw my hoops.

Sit in the hot seat.

Make me believe I can trust you.

Who. Is. This. Kid. Who. Wants. To. Be. Apart. Of. My. Life?

When Will You Realize..

Reeking of smoke and disappointment.
Someone let you down.

You use the window; and slip out the back door.

Sometimes I look at you; and all I get is your hollowed eyes.
And I have to pick you up off the floor and will you back to me.

Your so far gone..
And your running the opposite direction.

Sometimes I find you; you with sailor's legs.
Vodka, Whiskey, and Chardonnay. 
It's all the same.

Under the table dealer.

I can smell it on your breath,
As you twist the sheets to your legs.
Your so lost.

I feel you shaking.
I'll  hold you forever.

Cold sweats and nightmares.
Bags under your eyes.

You never were one to fake a disguise.

Now I have to rescue you,
I'll get your dress.

All the while glaring your boyfriend down as I drag you to the couch.
I don't understand what you see in him...

You know what he wants,
And you're just willing to give it to anyone.
You want love.
And I understand..

"No. No. Look at me. Don't you let go of my hand."

You see his face; the one that got away.
He is not in the back of your mind, he is the first thing you think of when you wake up.
He is the one all your day dreams are about.
I know he is the reason why you wake up screaming and letting out shouts.

I love to see you wake up; sometimes I can tell you've been dreaming.
I can see the lights in your eyes.
I can see the old you.

But that's just the lightening before the heavy thunder.

It is a thunder of sobs.
And I brush your hair out of your eyes.
And I tell you that there is no such thing as final goodbyes. 

You walked right into my life,
You are completely faded.

I let you slide under the covers.
No questions asked.

I know you're trying to forget.
He is everywhere.

Tonight, it was laced.
And you had a freak out.
 I'm hoping you will make it to the morning light.

I can hear you.
I can hear your hollowed excuses.
Ribbons on wrists are in.
Sure.

But you need to take them off sometime.

Come back.
Come back to me..
Maybe this is a case of mistaken identity.

Maybe the real you is just a second away; and I don't want to miss it.

I don't want to miss the girl I once knew.
I miss the girl with the paw print tattoo.

I can see you are trying; and you've lost your fake smile.

I don't want you to fake it.
Because that is what it is.
Fake.

I'd rather have you how you are now.
I'll take you in my arms; all the broken pieces.

I'll kiss your forehead;
Wipe your tears.
I'll deal.
And when you ask me if this is all just a nightmare I'll look into those glazed eyes and say,
"I hope so. But for now this is real."

I know you'll see things.
Right now you feel like you don't belong.
And I'll just lay by your side and listen to one more sad love song.

You want someone to be there for you,
Not just the creations of your imagination.


Because people may see the truth slipping out.
And they may be by your side; if only for a moment.
But just like a mirage; in a moment they are gone.
Like they trust you to talk to them if something goes wrong.

But why would you?
They don't mean what they say.
They just don't want to feel guilty when they find out you no longer wanted to stay.

So let them read these stupid rhymes,
And maybe one day they will see; maybe they will realize,
This story is all about me.

 

Hurt Go Happy

The first think I ever learned to sign was,
"Hurt. Go. Happy."
Because I had read a book about a chimp, and that was the last thing he signed.

It means, that no matter what happens to me, I should be happy.
No amount of hurt should take away my smile at the end of the day.

When I am nervous I sign.
Or when I am scared I sign.

Hurt. Go. Happy.

 I remembered this today.

In the bathrooms after school,
A girl washed her hands then flicked the water into my face.
I snapped. I honestly did.
I beat on her till two girls pulled me off.

You could call it a girl fight if you want.
I bet that's what your thinkin'.
Or you're thinking,
"Damn, what an idiot."

Because that is what's running thru my mind.

Later on that evening,
While walking back from practice,
A girl slapped my ass.
And it HURT.

I acted on my emotions.
I yelled in her face,
And almost laid her our right there.

I apologized afterward.
But she really didn't have the right.

Memories pour in by the scars that are opened.
Maybe that is why I hurt so much right now..

It's a hard thing, being an actress.
Everyone is watching you.
So you better put on your mask.
That's your job.
The lights are hot; everyone is watching.
You have to be giving it your all.

That's my life, and I love it.
But the other part is..
Sometimes I'm just so tired of saying,
"Yes, Sir."
And,
"Thank you, Mam."
That I become a bitch to everyone the second I hit the showers.

I'm so tired some days I just want to throw my hair up in a bun and die.

As an actress I know that when you walk out those stage doors, your on your own.
You don't know the right thing to say or do.
Or how your story ends.
And that's what makes it worth while..


But then I remembered;
Hurt. Go. Happy.

I met a boy.
His name was Dylan.
And he listened to what I had to say. 
He gave me his number.
And he said to call him in December.

I'm sorry Dylan..
I'm sorry I didn't call.
I was too afraid..

You number is in my drawer; second from the bottom.

I met a boy.
He was deaf.
And I attempted to talk to him,
But he signed a bit too quickly for me to keep up.

He asked me,
"Name. You?"

And I signed my name and added,
" My. Sign. Name. Happy."

And I explained my story as best I could sign; some on a piece of paper.
But I finished by saying.
"I. OK. Hurt. Go. Happy."


And that couldn't be any more true,
Because that is what I have to do.

Nani Means Beautiful

 I thought about death, and my life so far.

But at my moment of introspection; I remembered a girl.

Her name was Erica. 

We were almost finished with second grade when she lost her battle with Leukemia.

I didn't understand why she didn't come back to school one day.

I didn't cry.

To me she was just...

Gone.

Gone like a girl who transferred schools, 

Or who would return with much anticipation after summer.

I just accepted how she wore bandanas over her head,

Or why her skin looked very transparent in a way.

I just accepted that one day the trees had pink ribbons tied around the branches.

It was her favorite color.

But, forgive me Erica.

I might be mistaken.

You were amazing.

As amazing as a second grader could be.

 

You were bold,

And I think about you often...

 

I remember how I had my first crush on your cousin,

And you always would plant yourself square in front of him; protecting him.

Very...

Motherly.

 

You intimidated me.

You were so strong.

 

...Did you know you were going to die?

And when I have thoughts like I had tonight, I feel so...

Ashamed.

 

How could I be wasting my life? 

 

Dear Erica,

I'll say a prayer for you tonight. I miss you.

We had a tennis mom.

And her name was Noe. 

She was on of those people you pray to God you have the opportunity to know in life.

 She had incredible faith.

 

At her memorial, the priest held up her Bible.

It was worn and heavily marked up.

 

He said, 

"She prayed for everyone. There is probably a prayer written just for you somewhere in these journals."

 

God, 

 I hope your taking good care of our angel..

 

Your cooking was heaven on earth, especially your pizza.

I remember your acrylic nails with Hawaiian flowers.

And I remember your doggie; perfectly groomed.  

I remember how you would talk to me about life and cooking.

Why didn't you tell us?

You were just...

Gone.

 

And this time,

I nodded my head to my dad across the table when he broke the news to me.

I said I understood.

But how could I really?

 

I had just accepted the fact that your hair was dramatically shorter; shorter than ever in your life.

I just accepted that you were skinnier; thinking it was a new diet.

 

I didn't accept the rumors that were going around about you having cancer.

You were so strong.

We all thought, "No. Way."

 

But then you were gone..

Noe,

You loved so hard and so so strongly. You taught me what it means to love.

Today I thought of you.

The school choir sang "Somewhere over the Rainbow."

And every time I hear that song,

I choke up.

I cry.

I think of you.

Because that was one of the songs that they played for your memorial. 

You were....

Nani. 

And so was your soul.

I have a family friend.

His name is Art.

He is like our uncle. 

He has been to every family gathering.

He has stage 4 throat cancer.

Doctors say he is not going to make it.

Dear God,

Please..Heal him.

He just smiles and hugs us.

Our relationship is unclear to others,

But crystal clear in the family.

He is my family. 

And I can't just accept his health fading.

I just can't accept all the coughing that you do..

I can't accept that I might be losing you.

We need to fight..

Fight for a cure.

In Between Innings

You have three seconds,

So you better make an impression. 

I'm just laughing at my life.

While I sit on the bleachers; In between innings.

The sunlight falls on my face,

Just like a million baby kisses.

I have just enough strength left to pick up a knife,

I am too weak to reach for help or pick up a phone.

I am simply leaving; checking out for the day.

Maybe I will return..

I'm just adrift at sea.

The sea of my thoughts, but that's ok.

Someone get me out of here.
Because all of my bridges burned down.

Don't look down on me because I'm a cutter,
In a sense, that isn't fair.

What makes me so different?
I'm just like you.

You have no right.
I don't have any either.

Look me in the eyes not my wrists.

Don't think I'm not listening.
That's all I do.
At least I'm worth talking about, right?

It's human nature to judge.
You can't just breed it out.
The eye is trained to see "different."
Everyone wants something different.

I managed to box up all my memories for so long..
I hid them away in a corner of my mind,
But now they return.
Old habits die hard.

I'm just happy simply to be alive.

Everyday I wake up and think,
 "Today I'm going to be happy."

Everyday I kneel and pray to God,
"Dear God, please let me be happy."

Everyday I look in the mirror and say,
"Please, girl. Let me be happy."

But when I lay down in bed at night,
I laugh at myself and all my stupidity.

Because when your sitting in the bleachers,
You can see yourself, and your mistakes.

And you think about all the things you should have said,
Or should have done.
And it just breaks my heart.

I'm just laughing at my life;
In between innings. 

Going Under In The Waiting Room

Everything is fuzzy.
Like a Holga camera shot; sunspots in the centers of my eyes.

Everything makes my head hurt,
Just keep walking..

Dress out, no one notices how off-balance I have become.
But neither do I.

Make it to second period.
Try to focus on the nothingness that you have scribbled down on the pages.
I walk on out.

Make it to the bathroom, and watch my face.
Lean over the toilet.
Look in the mirror.
I can't make it out; it's too faded.

Take out my phone,
"Hey it's me. Can you bring me Asprin?
I think I hit my head."

I am bombarded by questions.
It's all just faint white noise.
But I can make out two words,
"Nurse. Go."

I'm too disoriented to make a good argument,
I hate having to ask for help.
Somehow I manage to make it to the office.
I tell her my story about what happened. 

 I lay back in a chair, and the attendant warns me not to enter the actual sick ward.
There is already a pretty sick girl throwing up in there and she doesn't want me to catch what she has.
Turns out, that girl was having a reaction to her medication.

The lady tells me I'm overreacting and asks for my guardians phone number.
I can barely manage the first three digits, "878---"
And I'm dashing for the bathroom.

I keep my head in the toilet for about 40 minutes.
I have a black out.
The other girl finds me, and I make it to the couch.

There is only one nurse for our entire district.
Her pictures line the desk; the desk is dusty.
And I'm laying down trying to block out all the light thinking,
"I could sue this place."
Yeah, honestly.

Me and the other girl take turns throwing up.
My head is literally throbbing.
I remember asking her, "Do you need to puke or can I?"

She gets picked up, and I am left for another 2 hours of intense Hellishness.  
Everything is fading in and out.

Going under...

I dry heave endlessly.
And eventually my sister picks me up.

I am taken to doctor after doctor...
They can't find out what is wrong with me.
Great.

Emergency Room time.

I'm fuzzy.
And I wait what seems to be an eternity.
I'm laid down on a bed and asked more questions.
I have not the strength nor patience to repeat it one more time..

I can't stand on my feet as I grab for the walls.
None of the doctors really care as they type prescriptions and papers.
 I fall into a wheelchair and take numerous scans..

I can feel myself going under again...

Thin sheets separate me from the others,
I never want to go back to that place again.

They hook me up to a heart monitor and give me pain meds,
Thank God for pain meds...
To entertain myself, I quicken my breathing; making patterns on the machine, like a game.
I hold my breath.
So the machine registers my untimely death.

Then, I feel myself slipping away again...
I think to myself, "It must be the pain killers.."
And then,
I go under.

Holding Out For A Hero

 Between the linens and old perfumes,
I found a journal from my grandmother's teenage years.
 I told of all her dreams,
And her siblings.
And it told of how she wanted a man to come and sweep her off her feet..

She married my grandfather almost 50 years ago.
In a church; forever pledged to each other by God.
  
He can barely hear anything now; he must read lips.
And because of this he doesn't go to church anymore.

But for Mother's Day this year,
He surprised my grandma by getting dressed in a suit; flowers in hand.
He would end up going to church with her that Sunday morning.
First time in almost 10 years..
I believe that my abulea got her hero.

I was never told why I couldn't open my mommy's dresser.
I just knew I couldn't.
But one day I decided that I needed to curb my curiosity.

I found diary-after-diary.
Love notes and unfinished thoughts..
It told about lost loves and friendships.
And the boy she thought she'd end up marrying.

It told of heart break.
And how she would deny him until marriage.
She was holding out for a hero.

Young love.
And it was beautiful to read in my mother's neat, precise, looping cursive.

I found a picture, tucked between the pages, of the boy's Mustang.
I could just imagine them laying on the hood at a drive-in,
Or looking up at the stars.
Just something  that would take my mom away from her crazy world..
If only just for the night.

My mother many years later, married my father.
They met at the same Boys and Girl's Club of America; right near the ocean.

I've heard stories about how my dad one brought my mom a rose for Valentine's Day..
He told a little boy to give it to my mom.
My mom smiled and told him to go put it in water.

That little boy then ran back to my dad.
This gave my dad an idea..
"Go give it to her again."

He did this a dozen times.
A perfect dozen roses.

Until my mom realized that it was the same rose over-and-over.
She laughed it off and thought it was cute.

I knew that there was a reason she fell in love with him..

And then there is me...
I am not without story.
 This whole blog is my diary; my story.

My children can only speculate.
Maybe they will think me odd.
Or maybe they will think I was an incredible young lady.

They will try to piece together the tattered memories that unwind my inner heart..
But I will know.
I will see all the dots connecting.
And all the memories coming back to me..
A replay button in my mind.

And maybe the one that I love with look over my shoulder and see this...
And see me...
And realize,
I need a hero.
 

Peaches

Kisses are sweet.
Just like peaches.


I would walk thru the halls and see people hugging or kissing.
And you know what?
I felt like the freaking hulk.
I was just so...
So...
Angry.

"That's my secret.
I'm always angry."

It doesn't feel good to be a monster...

I love skin that is soft, like peach fuzz.

Someone gave me a tip...
"Just laugh and say to yourself, 'Ha. You guys are going to have a really nasty break up.'"
I tried it.
I'm not proud to say this but,
It worked; I laughed. 

I don't know if I told anyone this but..
My nickname used to be peaches.
I really don't know why..

I think it is because of this one incident where I dropped all the peaches in the cafeteria in 4th grade.
You can call me peaches if you like.

I don't know why but, peaches hold a special place in my heart.
Even though I think they taste disgusting.

There was a time where I wouldn't eat..
And when someone found out...
He brought me a peach.
"Peaches for peaches."

I thought it was cute..

I know I've told you this before but....
I want you to eat.
You need to.
You pinky promised..

I've always felt like maybe; someone is watching over me.
I'm just trying to watch after you baby girl.


 You know that feeling you get when your sick?
That "I think I'm dying feeling" ?

And you just praying to God that,
If you could just get better you would never take another healthy day for granted.
You would run outside or change the world.
Maybe even end world hunger.
But your just praying and praying that you'll be OK.

All you want to do is be OK...
That's all I want..
Especially for you.

So if I have to recommend something to eat...
Your first bite in 6 days,
Even if it is just a nibble..
I would suggest a peach.

Because the kiss of a peach is just as sweet as any other kiss I've tasted..

Wrap Me Up..And Unfold Me

How did he know?
He found you.
Lying on the floor.
Do you think he was scared?

Wrapped up in a blanket of his warmth..
You can only manage a weak and halfhearted, "Thanks."

You could have made it look like an accident.
So many possibilities.

You could have jumped out in front of a car, made it look like it was the drivers fault.
But I guess you couldn't have lived (or died) knowing that you would be giving an unfortunate burden to an unfortunate victim.
I know I wouldn't be able to.
No one wants blood on their hands.

I doubt no one would notice if they found your car..
They will say that you just kind of drifted from the lane.

Maybe you just took one-to-many Aspirin for your headache.

Wrap me up...And then unfold me.



You could tell the police.
That you were raped.

But it's too late for that.
You have a daughter now.
She thinks you are her sister.
Because you'd rather her believe that mom "died" than have her think you didn't want her because you were raped.
She is your world.

You could stop taking those painkillers or lighting up.
But your addicted.
And all you can think is, Who'd wanna stop?
I guess it is your choice.

Hold me..

I lost myself again...
And I feel...
Unsafe.

The Hardest Part Of Living Is Just Taking Breaths To Stay..

I'm trying my hardest...
But the hardest part is..
I can't see you.

This world's a bitch.
I don't even get to just see you walking by just once more...

People say I'm lucky I don't have to deal with him anymore.
But, our relationship wasn't about, "dealing" with each other.
..At least not till the end?

All my breakup songs are on repeat.
Even my little brother is humming along now..

I don't blame you..
I guess.

I'm just going to sleep...
Forever if that's alright with you...

I'll curl up in my miseries. 
And I'll wrap my legs around my bear.
And hope to find peace somewhere between my dreams and solitude.

Damn..
I thought I was going to be OK.

That's what everyone was telling me..
Right?

Someone help...

I saw a picture of you.
I almost dropped dead.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm a wreck.
I really did try to be fine.
I tried for you...

Were you happy in that photo?
Or were you faking a smile?
Just..
Like..
Me.

I bet your happy.
I want you to be.

I'm still starting at photographs..
Memories..
And notes.

Keep breathing..

I can still hear you in my head,
Like your coaching me thru this.

"Stay calm baby."
"Everything is going to be OK."
"...I'll love you forever."

I should have known..

But what can I say?
I loved you.
..I love you.

I can still feel you rubbing the small of my back.
I can still feel you eyes on me, like you were actually looking at me.
I can still feel your breath..
..And your lips.

That makes me all the more angry.
I feel so abandoned.
Like someone stuck a white flag on me and called out,
"Abandon ship!"


In my mind I knew.
But I didn't say it aloud.

I couldn't see you.
Because if I did..
I knew...

I knew I'd fall right back in love with you.

Grey Is My Favorite Color

So..
Unsure.
If I could pick one word to describe me at this moment...
That is what it is.
Unsure.

Grey is my favorite color.
I just get so confused..

Have I ever told you I wanted to become a model?

Sorry I'm only 5'6".

I would be a glamor model. 

You know, the ones that get to wear a ridiculous amount of make up?

 They always portray things so well.

I love the seasons.

Not just one in particular; all of them.

I've never written about seasons.

I feel like it is a childish thing.

The easy way out.

You know when a teacher says to write a poem they list simple topics like: 

Friends, sports, and seasons?

It makes me mad.

And it is such a simple topic; yet so complex that I don't think I can do it.

It is too hard to capture all that the seasons are.

All the beauty, and when people try..

I feel like they don't do it justice.

Because everyone has a different perspective.

And there is always going to be someone that says,

"No. That's wrong. That's not how I see it."

I feel like models appreciate seasons.

It's just, a 180 change from summer to winter.

It is a chance to be different, that's what I like.

No one expects you to wear the same clothes.

It's a metamorphosis.

I love fashion magazines. 

But I hate them too.

I envy the girls.

But maybe they envy me too..?

I love the way they look.

I wish someone would write about me;

Want to take a second look at me.

Want to be me.

But who knows..

I miss summer..

I miss you and I can't even tell you.

Winter, that is my life.

My life is but a hazy shade of you.

But the seasons change.
And that is all they are,
God's creation given name by man.

I wonder if God even wanted time measured.
 I think he would want us to just live every moment.

Grey is my favorite color.
Everything is so confusing.
So lost, but so spellbinding.

It changes just like the seasons.

Just like my life.

So, my friend,
I will not even try to capture the beauty and all that the seasons bring.
I will leave it soulfully to your imagination.

Forgive Me, I'm A Liar. (But This Is MY Story)

I was looking for a change.

So I got on a plane.

Alone, and off into the uncharted places of my imagination. 

I had a bracelet; for unaccompanied minors.

I was under 15 so I was being watched carefully by the plane crew.

I sat in between two men.

One decided to sleep.

The other, decided to talk to me.

He touched at where my bracelet was wrapped and asked,

"What happened to you?"

I didn't understand. 

"What?"

"I mean...Is that a hospital bracelet?"

Then I realized.

He didn't even know my name.

I told him my name was Skyler. 

I was being shipped off to my aunt's for the summer because I had been in a mental hospital for the past 5 months for attempted suicide.

But I was stable and happy now.

I let pieces of my slip out.

I met a man in the tunnels of the airport. 

I told him my name was Amanda.

And I told him all my dreams.

And I told him I wanted to live in Colorado.

And I told him I could paint, and that I had lost a baby.

I told him I loved the color yellow.

And that I was allergic to cats.

I let pieces of me slip out.

I ran around and made up stories.

Because I loved how no one knew me.

No one even knew my name.

I met a woman in a taxi. 

I told her my name was Alex.

And that I did yoga.

And I hated thunder.

I told her I had a boyfriend, and he was quite brilliant.

I told her sometimes I imagined that M&M's were pain pills.

And I would take handfuls at a time anyways.

I let pieces of me slip out.

I met a man while walking my aunt's dog.

I told him my name was Isby.

I told him I could dance,

And had boys chasing me. 

I used to be ugly till I dyed my hair and caked on makeup.

But I had never been kissed.

I let pieces of my slip out.

I met a boy at the lake a block away.

I told him to call me Jay.

Because I didn't like my full name.

I told him that I was from California. 

And he looked amazed.

I told him that not everyone lived near the beach.

I told him that not everyone can surf and says, "Dude."

I told him I lived in a tiny town.

And a lot of people spoke Spanish.

I told him I was happy here.

And he complimented my impressive tan.

He has but a piece of me.

But he didn't even know my name.

I wonder if all my friends got together,

They would know my story?

They all have pieces of me.

But no one ever tries to put together my story..

Hm.

I met a woman in a parking lot; begging for change.

I sat beside her.

And she asked me my name,

And I told her it wasn't important.

Because a name doesn't define who I am.

I told her I was lonely. 

And that I always wanted to drive a motorcycle.

I told her that at 11:11 I wished for other people's wished to come true.

Because I'd like to think selfless wishes always come true.

I told her I had scares.

And she told me I was beautiful.

I gave her a piece of me.

I met a girl in a grocery store.

I told her I was a vegetarian.

And my first daughter I was going to name,"Sophie."

Because it was so gentle.

And I didn't want her to be hurt by the world and all its vastness. 

I told her that I would love to be her friend.

And that I wish I could hike with someone.

She had a piece of me.

But it was time to go.

And I still had one more story.

My story.

I sat on the plane and on a brown paper bag I began..

"My name is ...... And this is my story.."
But I realized...
I had already given it away.

Closing Time

Go to a restaurant.
Not a fancy one;
Just a restaurant.
Wear something nice.
A pair of heels will do.
Or maybe a tie for the lovely gentleman reading..

Go ahead and sit down, Why not grab a table?

Ask for a glass of water.
Be polite to the waiter, please.
Tug at your tie,
Chip away at your nail polish.
Don't order. Just wait.

Sit at the booth. counter, wherever you are.
Stay there idly for about 25 minutes.
That's how long I waited.
I waited for you to show up...

People start to stare,
Some leave,
Some are checking you out.
But they are all wondering...
Why are you alone?

And I begin to wonder the same thing.

This has happened to some people before,
And it really bites.
I didn't think I would become on of them.

I never thought I would be just a statistic.

• 8.3 million people under 18 have had serious suicidal thoughts in the past year.

• In the U.S., it's estimated that one in every 200 girls between 13 and 19 years old, cut themselves regularly.

•  7.7 million people have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

But everyone should love a bad pick up line.
 I do.

Go ahead and order now.
If your looking for a suggestion, try a chocolate shake.
Man, I love shakes.
I'm a slow sipper I have to admit.
20 minutes.
Look at the clock.
Stare at the people.
Try and not be awkward.
Waitress is getting a bit fed up,
She's trying to get you out of there by visiting your table regularly.

It's almost closing time,
And you've stood me up.
A whole hour and 23 minutes late to be exact.

I'd learned along time ago not to depend on others.
That it's OK to be alone.
But I love people.
I love.


But I'm just fine alone;
Alone to my thoughts.

Most of the time.

God, I miss you....

I would start coming back to that same place.
Little hole-in-the-wall place. 
The lady started to remember my name, and order.
Chocolate shake of course.

I ignored everyone.
Kept to myself and read.
One day an elder man sat down at my table.
He was nice.
Didn't say much.
Just read beside me.
And that is what we did.
Till one day...
He didn't come back.

I always wondered what happened to the man who would sit at my table just around closing time.

It's closing time.
But stay.
Stay listen to the people behind the counter.
One of the younger girls is very serious and focused.
The other looks to be the best friend.
She works the drive thru; always yelling over the old CD's that she refuses to turn lower on the player.


It's time to admit your gone.
It's time to admit that change is not coming tonight.
It's time to admit your friend is gone.
Were you not worth it?

But it's closing time.
And everyone is gone.

The Moment That It Stops

Life goes down the drain..
Life seems like Hell...
If only for a moment..

But maybe...
Maybe...
Life will go on.

How do you face the day when everything around you makes your heart ache?
Kmart makes me thing of you.
Candy isles make me think of  you.
My friends make me think of you.
All the pictures..
The way the screen lights up when it shows your name..
What do I do?

How will life ever go on?

My music makes me think of you...

Your just everywhere.

You were that ray of sunshine to brighten my day.

At Sea World, I noticed two little kids in security.
They had been separated from their family. 
But you know what made me smile?
The officer had two stuffed animals behind his back to give the kids; to make them OK.
One was a white seal.
The other was a tiny Shamoo whale.

You made me feel like that.
Like, without you I am completely lost.
When you come into my life, I know everything will be OK.

I need to come back into it.
I need a reality.

But life goes on.

Today,
I witnessed a first kiss.
 She was so giddy when she told me all about it,
And every time she turned around in her desk,
She had a goofy smile.
She jumped up and down and squealed.
She was glowing.
And,
So.
So.
Beautiful. 

It made me want to cry.
And it made me smile.
Because life is going on.

A relationship is like the roller coaster that your friends pressured you to get on,
They say that it will be amazing and perfect and that there is nothing that will hurt you.
But they are wrong...
And I just get off the ride disoriented and terrified of the rest of the rides to come.

But life just keeps going on..
It doesn't stop for anyone.

"Time To Make A New Plan Up Again.."

Grab for the walls,
I can't keep my balance.
You just knocked the wind out of me.

I'm trying to forget what you said,
I just want this all to be a dream.
Stay with me.

Your pictures line my walls,
And you occupy the deepest depths of my heart.
How can you be OK with this?
You broke my heart.

Come back..

If feels like,
Everything is just gone.
Who am I without you?

Am I that girl with the bottle in her palms?
Am I that girl biting the blade?

Because that's all I can ever remember being before you..

I think I'm going to be sick.

I was always afraid of this..
But we have been together so long I thought..
"This will never happen to me. Not again."

I hate being wrong.

Your not going to be here for me anymore.

Who is going to send me "Good morning, beautiful. :)" texts?
Who is going to protect me in their arms?
Your alright with this...
Your just going to throw me to the wolves.

I feel for my necklace, it is no longer there.
Instead, I'm grabbing for my sweatshirts.
There is now braille on my body.
 Please stop...
Not again.

What do I do?
I'm...Shocked.
I'm...Frozen.
I'm stuck in purgatory with you.

What if you forget that you loved me?
What if you get lost?
Romeo, Romeo....
I'm so confused.

I don't want to forget.
I've been through this all before..

It hurts.
You know?
Learning to forget.
You basically have to try with all your might to let them go..

But now I'm left with reality; a slap in the face each day.
 Weren't you the one who made the pain go away?
I have to un-love you.
Until one day, you'll be just a face to me..
I always hoped that you'd be my everything...

What happened to our future?
Our lives? 
Every time I see you I get butterflies.

I didn't let go of your hand,
You let go of mine..

But you deserve better; better than me.

Right now my heart is an open wound.
I guess it's time..
"Time to make a new plan up again..."

 

Courage to Grow

It seems like it was just yesterday.

That New Mexico desert was so far away.

That was a rough summer,

But she made it OK.

Invader Zim and Xbox. 

Boxer shorts and kisses.

I loved you.

You took me in; under your wing.

There was so much to learn.

It was nice knowing that there would always be someone to run to.

Someone who would hold me in their arms.

She loved me.

She was my mom.

She was my best friend.

She was the little crush in my heart that I could feel growing bigger each moment spent with her.

She was my strength,

And my defender. 

She saved my life.

She stood between me and the scary noise.

She taught me everything I know about boys.

She watched over me that summer.

The summer when New Mexico never seemed so far away..

She gave me tough love.

But she never yelled.

She knew that I was broken in some way.

And she knew exactly how to fix me.

She made me what I am today.

We would run thru thrift stores; hopelessly in love.

We would lay in bed; wrapped up in each other. 

..Talking about everything.

She took me in before I ever had the chance to be alone.

My parents didn't approve of you.
And this just made you laugh.

You were so..
Different.

Tomboy at heart.
You were one of the guys.

The first time I met you,
You scared me.
And I didn't like you.
 You were defiantly an acquired taste.

But I never had a chance..
It was obvious to see.
I was clearly madly in love with you.

We were inseparable. 
I was always,
"So-and So's friend."
But that didn't bother me.
I was beginning to make a name for myself.

I got dragged along to parties.
And introduced to so many boys.
And did things I would never do.

She was my courage.

Your always by my side,
But I see it changing..
I'm watching you take in people.
People who are just like my past.

 I want to be someone's courage.
I want them to live life.
Because, life's about living, right?

She gave me love like the ocean tides.
She took everything from me,
And she was willing to give my love back just as fast,
Multiplied.

She can feel the slightest changes in my mood,
I know it.

She can break right thru to me.
I'm dead serious.

She can tell by just the slightest tense of my body that I'm not OK.
She'll say, "It's one of those days again, huh?"
And we tackle the day together.
Hand in hand.

One hug at a time,
One step at a time,
One breathe at a time.

Because she knows.


We were walking one day and I said,
"You know I loved you right?"
And she smiled her flirty smile that I have seen her pull on a million boys and said,
"Yeah. I know."
And I always will..

 There was something about her.

I still love her.

I have her sweater,
She broke a pair of my shorts.

I have her heels,
And her bandanna.
Any thing that has her smell on it.
 It makes me feel safe on some nights.

I'm trying to keep her with me.
 Because those summers when I would lay:
 On the hood of her car,
In her arms crying,
On her tummy drinking soda,
In the isles of the stores,
On her couch with the latest boy,
In the alleys drinking Starbucks,
On my bed with the wind blowing,
I didn't know..


I didn't know during the summer when New Mexico was so far away..
I never imagined you would be taken away...

But England is calling.
And you I know you'll be fine.

You will find a girl just like me.
Who looks up at you with scared eyes..
And you know what...?
She will see you as her everything.
I promise you that..

You'll take her in your arms..
And you'll make her feel so special; like she is the only person worthy of your heart and love.
You'll look at her with those eyes, and she'll melt.
She'll tell you all her secrets.
And her fears,
And all her dreams...

You were like my guardian angel.
And you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I can't imagine you gone.
I can't.
I won't.

Because I'm just going to keep you in my heart forever.
If that's alright with you..

You are my courage;
My courage to grow.

Stupid Really Stupid..

Please don't ask me to stay,

That would be very selfish of you.

 

That just leaves me drowning. 

Lay low.

And read in between the lines.

Chemistry on your right,

Plastic plant on your left.

I've never felt so small. 

Look around the room,

And see the paintings of your peers.

Could you ever create something so beautiful?

Listen to the conversations around you.

No one tries to include me.

Not like I could relate to anything they are saying.

I've become too distant..

Too...

Unreachable.

Close your eyes,

And try and find your own little world.

 

Stupid. Really. Stupid.

 

Walk into a teacher's room.

They are the authority figure right?

They are suppose to be there to help you.

Then why do I hear things like,

"I'm not here to be your friend. I'm here to be your teacher."

 

Good. At least we are on the same page. 

Why do you try and help me?

Hypocrite.

"Can you help me?"

"I can, but come back later."

So here I find myself. 

Wanting to get out of here...

If I disappeared,

Would you care?

Would anyone notice?

If I had a funeral what would you say?

 

Would you say I was happy?

Brilliant?

Lost?

 

I can't imagine my funeral.

I don't want to.

Would you come?

Would you cry?

How would you word your final goodbye?

 

Please don't ask me to stay,

That would be very selfish of you.

Somewhere Between Nowhere And Somewhere

Searching..

Searching for a soul. 

To a stranger, everything looks the same.

The faces just blend with the pavement.

Town after town, same story.

A mirage; gone with the wind.

Dust and faded weeds cover the ground;

This is all to alike to my heart.

This place is a place that seems to be forgotten even by time. 

There is this quote,

"Everything has beauty.

You just have to find it."

and I believe if you look hard enough it will be reveled. 

Who are you to pass judgment on me?

This is my world,

And it's all I've ever known..

Living in the middle of nowhere.